Terrified

“I’m not strong (said the pastor).  Not where it counts. I’d rather be heaving a canoe over slush and ice than sitting one on one with a sick and dying parishioner.  That terrifies me.” Gamache leaned forward, his voice as soft as the light.  “What scares you about it?”  “That I won’t know what to say, that I’ll let them down.  That I won’t be enough”.

                                                                        Bury Your Dead,  Louise Penny

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Trump terrifies me

What the Congress is doing to our country, terrifies me.

At times cancer terrifies me

But I am terrified every day

I may seem in control

Confident

Even casual

I may not show much on the surface

But I am terrified

That I am not enough

And so I hide inside, behind the façade

Unable at times to connect

Unable to be real

Hiding behind knowledge and competence

Terrified

That I will found out

Not that I believe failure is fatal

Or that I need to be perfect

I know I am bright, and reasonably skilled at what I do

But I also know

I have been hiding my whole life

Creating distance not closeness

Feeling it all

Not just the fear

But the affection, the concern, the compassion

The acceptance

It is just that it can’t get out

And so I am, fundamentally alone

Doing what I can to help

And helping

But still terrified

And knowing that I could be so much more

That I could help so much more

Have so much more impact

If I weren’t

terrified