alone

Every once in while I pause

And take a breath

And lift my head up and look around

Released for the moment from all the busyness

I have woven around myself like protective armor

And in that brief moment I know

We are all alone, born alone, die alone

Perhaps not we, just me

I can look back on my life and realize

That in spite of co workers, and more, and

In spite of being surrounded

By fellow therapists,

And by the saints in my little church

And at times by family

That in spite of the company, I have been alone the whole way

I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—

but essentially, and finally, alone.

Oh there is human contact

And moments of grudging respect

For what I can do….

But there is something that keeps people from “sticking”

I am the Teflon man…

Perhaps I am too arrogant?

Too greedy?

Not kind?

Too insecure, and thus too self-promoting

Too opinionated?

Definitely too opinionated!

It matters not the flaw

It is just that

In the dark

When my self-esteem falters

And I realize I am too tired, too old, too whatever

To really do and be what I want to do and be

That I am marking time

I am alone

And not respecting myself I must look in the hearts and minds of others for my happiness

But there is no one really there

Or perhaps I can’t see him, or her

There is no one really there

Except happy dog

Which is something

Which is something indeed