who do you need to forgive

"Now here's a good one:

You're lying on your deathbed.

You have one hour to live.

Who is it, exactly, you have needed

all these years to forgive?"

              Fictional Poet Ruth Zardo (via Louise Penny)

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Where does forgiveness come from,

When we are in the corner

With no place to go?

When we have reach the end

Emotionally

Mentally

Spiritually

And know, just know

That we cannot take another step

With all that weight

Bearing down on us

The burden of anger and resentment

The fury of victimhood

how do we let go

how do we sort through all the garbage

dive into the dumpster of our soul

and find that one person

we need to

forgive

there are so many options

the person who ridiculed you as a child

or bullied you

the parent who neglected or abused

the one who lied

or used

or abandoned

or cheated

where to start

And once started

How to proceed

I’ve thought long and hard about who, on my death bed

I would forgive.

For me it is quite simply

It would not be my father, for whom I was never

(or so it seemed) quite enough

Or my mother who struggled to show affection

It would not be the boys who threatened to beat me

(the privileged doctors son) up

It would not be all those who over the years

Did not help me enter the circle of friendship

(perhaps it was my own fault)

I suspect that the person I most need to forgive is myself

for not meeting expectations

for not being more loving

more giving

more selfless

but how do I do this?

for I have carried this judgment for lifetime

perhaps it is not that difficult

perhaps it is simply a matter of hearing

at the center of who I am

the words echo

Child of God

Child of God

Perhaps it simply a matter of hearing

“you are my beloved son”