perhaps someday

“I should be happy, but instead I feel nothing. I feel a lot of nothing these days. I've cried a few times, but mostly I'm empty, as if whatever makes me feel and hurt and laugh and love has been surgically removed, leaving me hollowed out like a shell.”

 Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places

________________________________________________

I feel a lot of nothing these days

Its an odd feeling

To look at a sunrise, and not feel awe

To look at a child, and not feel wonder

I live such a blessed life

Great, meaningful jobs

People who seem to appreciate me

A fair amount of affluence

An amazing place in which to live

But often, there is hardly a flicker of joy

I live in a world that demands passion

People in power who are evil

War and death

Children starving

Refugees excluded and scorned

But often it seems as though I am oddly removed from it all

I remember when my parents died

Perhaps it started then

When I sealed off

And, because there was no minister present

Took on the role of comforting a community in grief

While setting aside my own

Perhaps it started when my marriage disintegrated

And I sealed myself off

And drifted into solitude

Distant from my wife

And, sadly, my children

Sometimes I wonder what it takes to become “woke”

I know it seems odd to some

As passionate as I can be

On paper

But there is this strange disengagement

That leaves me

Cold

Stiff

I feel it

People feel it

And I am tired

So tired

That it is difficult

To get out of bed

To put on foot in front of the other

To find the spark of the divine within…

But the spark is there

The light does shine in the darkness

It may flicker

And at times it may seem to almost disappear….

But it is there

And perhaps

Perhaps

Some day

With better choices

And more sleep

Perhaps someday

The Sacred will ignite

And I will

Smile

And love

And truly live