Looking in the Mirror

Sometimes I look in the mirror

and look at a stranger staring back at me

Who is this person

this man

I see reflected back at me?

 

In the perceptions

The words

the responses of others

 

to what I think

and say

and do

 

to what I write

I see things about myself

I did not know or understand

 

Sometimes I see fear

Sometimes I see arrogance

or perhaps not true arrogance

but arrogance as a response to fear

of irrelevance

or inadequacy

 

Somtimes

I see lonliness

or a hunger 

for connection

perhaps love

 

i see need

 

Sometimes that look in the mirror

is like an assault

hammering my heart

leaving me queasy 

unsettled

even sad

 

and I wonder

is this really me

this person I see and don't really like very well

this flawed and twisted image?

 

I am in a place right now

where I feel like I must apologise

 

for all of the things I have said 

and done

all the ways I have been

that when reflected back to me

take me to shame

 

I can say to myself

(all i want)

that I didn't know

that I didn't understand

 

but it doesn't change

the me

that i present to the world

the me that others see

 

I am old enough that I wonder sometimes

if there is really any hope....

and then I remember

God

 

God

whose eyes

reciving me, delighting in me

enjoying me and looking at me

 

remind me

of me

of who  I am

or at least who I can be

as one accepted and love

 

Thank you

 God