The Suffering Gap

Thinking is a dangerous thing

And as I wander down the road

Assailed by the beauty of your creation Lord,

My thoughts besiege me

And I find myself in a place of sorrows

In that suffering gap

between what is

and what I want to be

Oh I am not talking about possessions Lord

it goes far deeper than that

There is so much I want to be true

about me

about my life

I want to be generous and not greedy

I want to be kind and not indifferent

I want to be attentive and not scattered

I want to be disciplined not impulsive

I want to be attentive and not scattered

I want

I want

And as I wander 

this profound sense is there

that I can’t do this

I can’t make it through the next day

I can’t deal with the gap of suffering

Between what I want, and what I have

between who I want to be

and who I am

I know I should believe

I a minister, of sorts

Certainly a flawed and vulnerable sort

I want to believe

But mostly I’m just confused

And maybe Lord

That is just where I am meant to be

Confused

Flawed

Vulnerable

With a profound sense that I can’t do this

Can’t make it through the next day
next hour

Without you

for in the suffering Gap
I search
I seek
I am open and willing

and in that gap
if find myself
and I find
you

help me to accept Lord
who I am
all of me
help me to learn Lord
that you are
part of me

no matter what

help me to believe
in myself
in You
in love
 

Lord I believe

Help my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)