That Best Shitty Feeling

Receiving grace is basically the best shitty feeling in the world.  I don’t want to need it.

Preferably I could just do it all and be it all and never mess up.  That may be what I prefer, but it is never what I need.  I need to be broken apart and put back into a different shape by that merging of human and divine….

                                                                                                                Nadia Bolz-Weber, Accidental Saints, p. 180

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I am a minister

I am a counselor

I am a Kliewer (by God)

and it has been ordained

and proclaimed

that I shall be strong

and self reliant

and I shall not

I SHALL NOT

need help

I shall be the helper

I shall be the one with answers

I shall…..

Oh the hell with it

who am I fooling?

not even myself

there are so many times

that I need

love

support

help

there are so many times that I need grace

so many times I need to be taken apart

re-created

born again

oddly enough it does not take weakness

to let God

remake you

it is the most difficult thing in the world

it hurts

and it is

the greatest gift

ever

the best shitty feeling in the world