Catch the joy

This is what it feels like to yield:

to finally feel that place of tightness - your left shoulder,

the crick that has been in your neck for as long as you can remember,

the hard pint between your eyes – soften,

and all that is left is the overwhelming desire to dance,

 

to stop resisting the endless and aching grief over a  thousand small losses, and the one great loss of your own deepest dreams,

 

to fall into that ocean of tears and find yourself carried gently to shore,

to feel the soft and trembling belly of your aliveness turn upward toward

the wide sky…

 

What would it mean to walk away from

All the “to do” lists

And commit to only one thing:

to be.

          Christine Valters Paintner, Soul of a Pilgrim)

_____________________________________________________

 

There are times.

There are times.

 

I am not without brains.

Or education.

Or talent.

Or even privilege.

My face does not crack a mirror.

 

Life in many ways has been good.

Very good.

 

And yet.

I have been a human doing, not a human being.

I have given, a lot, but because of the facade of competence,

perhaps even a facade of arrogance,

I am not someone people feel much need to support.

I am, sometimes, not even liked.

 

I am loyal but have gotten little loyalty

I have invested deeply in people who do not invest back.

I have worked hard but wonder if I have accomplished anything.

I have also made huge mistakes,

and have had moments when my life was a wasteland,

when I wandered aimlessly, my life disrupted.

 

I have so much

and yet so little.

 

This is not a whine!

 

OK, maybe a little bit of a whine.

This is a look in the mirror that says,

I think I have done some things wrong.

 

Too much talking, not enough listening

Too much head to little heart.

Too much facade, not enough openness.

Too much work, not enough play.

Too much giving, not enough receiving.

 

I am successful, but not.

I am with others but alone.

I have power but am powerless.

 

There are some nights when all the pieces seem to be floating

like a jigsaw puzzle that has just been divebombed by a kitten.

 

I suspect we all have some moments from time to time

This is such a moment.

When I sense there is not one person

for whom I am the most important person in the world.

When I sense I am valued for what I can do not for who I am.

When I am not content, nor even hopeful.

 

And when I know this is all on me.

 

But it will pass.

Light will sneak through the cracks of emptiness and despair.

Sacred always works that way!

 

Using Lament to move us toward Joy and Hope.

 

And in the meantime, I will keep moving

left foot, right foot, left foot, breathe.

 

Blessing my friends, catch the joy as it flies (Blake)