transmitting pain, or transmuting pain

“Relationships must be fostered as far as possible and maintained, and thus a morbid transference can be avoided.”

                                                               Carl Jung, Cornwall Seminar, Pages 1-5.

All of us experience the absurd, the tragic, the nonsensical, the unjust… if we cannot find some way to transmute our wounds into sacred wounds, we invariably become cynical, negative or bitter… if we do not transform this pain we will most assuredly transmit it, usually to those closest to us…

                                                              Richard Rohr

____________________________________

We are so focused on the transmission

of a virus

it has a name, Covid-19

we have some idea of what it can do

this enemy

that passes from person to person

state to state

nation to nation

we see the damage

we feel the damage

and yet there is a lot more floating around out there

than a virus

I had an exchange the other day

I will simply say, it did not go well

It ended with fragmentation,

and perhaps, the termination of some friendships

I was not the hero in this exchange

nor was the villain

neither were the others

there was just so much in the air

anger perhaps

or fear

and it struck me

afterward, just how much we carry, unawares

and how must we transmit, unawares

and the degree to which we project, unawares

chastened by that exchange I have found myself

focusing on awareness

and I have started to ask myself some critical questions

at least they seem important to me

Where did this come from?

This feeling, this thought?

Did it come from some place healthy, and valid

Or did it come from some place inside me where demons

Lurk and whisper?

Do I really need to say anything at all?

Really!

Is what I am about to say, or write,

Is this comment something that will actually help?

Will it actually contribute?

If need to say something,

how can I say it in a way that is not “loaded”?

Even if what I am saying is valid, and appropriate,

have I attached other things to that statement?

Anger, fear, ego?

If I were to hear or read my comment,

how would I take it?

What we be my “take home”?

What is happening is that I am learning a lot

I am talking/writing less

And I have having to make a lot of amends

What I hope, is that with all these “bugs” flying around

The one I catch, and the one I transmit

Is kindness

be kind

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

                                                    Plato

_______________________________________________

I managed to do it, somehow

In fighting for kindness, I became unkind

and in the end

nothing good happened

I acted like a jerk

and relationships were broken

and we need our relationships

we need each other

these are going to be difficult times

but this all brought home to me

how often intensity, and passion

even when that intensity and passion needed

and even when the cause is good

can cause us to stop being kind to one another

and sometimes

even cruel

I think of the pro-life movement

I get wanting to save babies

But I don’t get throwing living children

And the environment

Under the bus in the process

I think of my passion for taking care of the vulnerable

And about how

at times

perhaps often

I am unkind to others when talking about that issues

About the times my desire for kindness and generosity

Make me unkind and ungenerous

I keep thinking of the quote attribute to Henry James:

“Three things in human life are important:

the first is to be kind;

the second is to be kind;

and the third is to be kind”

for while it is important stand up for what is right

and it is necessary, at times, to enter into those

tough conversation

and while there may be room for debate,

challenge

even confrontation

there is also a need

a deep seated, profound need

for kindness

for when we are not kind

even though we may have the best of intentions

damage is done

the fabric of community is torn

relationships are destroyed

and sometimes

in the name of good

we become cruel

today I resolve

to be kind

to listen well

to answer softly

to seek understanding

and to act gently and with grace

there is enough cruelty in this world

we need a little kindness

mother love

Look how the Creator in the form of a mother

or a father can love the created, the child,

even more than themselves…

Could God care for the created more than God

cares for the Sacred self?

                                                   Hafiz

See what great love God has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

                                                   I John

____________________________________________

As I wake on this Sunday morning

Nothing is normal

There is no gathering of my “beloved community” ahead

There no smiles to share

Or hugs to be given

The news is dire

The numbers of deaths accelerating

The economy staggering

The articles, grabbing hold of worst case stories

Are terrifying

And people are afraid… if not for themselves

Than for others

Those who are beloved

Those who are vulnerable

In this time of great uncertainty,

in this time of loss, and grief,

for the losses and grief are real,

in this time when nothing is normal

these words

of all words in the scriptures

echo in my head

BE NOT AFRAID

my soul rebels at those words

for they seem so irrational

like empty piety

what do you mean, be not afraid?

this is frightening!

and I am tired,

and helpless

and yet still they come

those words

“be not afraid”

not because the threat is not real

not because the pain is not real

not because the loss is not, and will not be real

not because we have this under control, and it will just

disappear

but because that which created

that which sustains

that which is woven not only into creation

but into us

into these frail bodies, so vulnerable

that power

is Love

and we are loved

by Love

by our Sacred Mother/Father

even more than they love themselves

in a way we cannot even imagine

and so

even in our helplessness and confusion

even as we struggle with the unreality of this moment

which is so painfully real

let us rest in that love

and let us offer that love

and let us keep loving, no matter what

and above us

let us be not afraid

l

Living Inside Out

When you can’t control what’s happening

Challenge yourself to control

The way you respond to what’s happening.

That’s where the power is.

                                         Unknown

____________________________

Good things happen

Bad things happen

We wish it weren’t so

If we had our way there would be no tornadoes

ripping through the night

There would be no cancer

And Covid-19 would be a thing relegated to

A novel by Stephen King, or maybe Camus

But good things happen

And Bad things happen

People fall in love

Children are born

Joy wings it’s way through our lives

And then is gone

as harsher realities

are woven into the fabric of our days

the lost of a job

an illness

addiction

and even pandemics

we would like to think

that the reality

in whom we live and breathe, and have our being

would protect us from all of that

that if we love Sacred enough

live Sacred enough

pray to Sacred enough

all the power of the Universe

would be channeled to work in our favor

That God would intervene

And we would be spared

Alas

That does not seem to be how God works

We can’t send and extra gift to Paula White or Kenneth Copeland

And be spared

How many prayers have been sent

into the heavens

never to return?

And yet

We are not powerless

In the upper room, with the terror of the cross ahead

Jesus talked to his people

These were powerless people

Horrible things were unfolding, and there was nothing

Nothing, they could do

And yet he told them

Be not afraid

You have the Spirit

The comforter

Guide

Teacher

Helper

You have in you, planted, there,

at the center of who you are

everything you need

And if you stay connected to that truth

(I am the vine, you are the branches)

You will overcome

It is not so much that life will change

It is not that Pilate will become suddenly benign

Or that the Sanhedrin will magically remember whose they are

It is not that the brutality of Friday will go away

It simply that you will be powered from within

And you will have the capacity

To react differently

To live in hope rather than fear

To live generously rather meanly

To live with compassion rather than with protective apathy

To live forgiveness rather than retribution

To live love rather hate

Turn to God

Turn to me

Turn inside

Pray, pray, pray

But what will be changed

Is you

It took a while

It didn’t happen that night

It didn’t happen that Friday

It didn’t happen until Pentecost

But eventually they got it!

And the world changed

It didn’t become less terrible

Less fearful

But it the world changed

Because wandering around the world

were people

filled with, and open to

Sacred Presence

People who were not afraid

(OK, maybe a little)

But hoped anyway

Had joy, anyway

Were generous, anyway

Were kind, anyway

Were forgiving, anyway

And loved

Anyway

In this time

As it would be so easy to live in fear

We can be people who live in hope

We can be people who filled with God

Don’t hoard

Don’t isolate emotionally

Don’t sink into the darkness of depression

Don’t quit

We can be people who leave that package of toilet paper on the shelf

Who make that phone call to a friend

Who spread calm and hope

And who do what we can

For others

As Frederick Buechner says

“Here is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen

 Don’t be afraid!”

Be love

love endures

It is strangely silent O Lord

Our gathering places are empty

And the sound of commerce is gone from our streets

We watch helpless

as an unseen contagion stalks the land

and watch fearfully as pundits report the latest death toll

and report the latest numbers from Wall Street

our cars sit idle

our planes are grounded

our office buildings are empty

and we are assailed

by the dark weight of fear and loneliness

by the specter of poverty

and illness

Bewildered we rail against the injustice of it all

Angry we seek enemies to blame

Anxious we become fearful hoarders

But we can do so little

We are humbled by this adversary

Who has brought us to this place

Of silence

But we are not alone, O Lord

We are never alone

For you are with us, woven into the fabric

Of these frail and vulnerable bodies

Present in our aching hearts

And fearful souls

You, Love

Are incarnate in us

and we are lifted up

from this time of death and darkness

We know O Sacred One

that with you, new life starts in the dark…

that you will come to us in this our time of darkness

and birth us from above

with the power of your Presence

This is what you do, this is who you are

You place a song in our hearts

And words of kindness and comfort on our lips

You calm our minds

And warm our hearts

You fill our souls with your peace

And move us to acts of compassion and kindness

And so even as the darkness creeps

And fear tugs at our hearts

We trust, O Lord, in your unfailing love;

Even in this time of contagion our hearts rejoice

and we sing your praise

for your love endures

forever

it will be faith

Catholic theologian James Allison describes faith not as intellectually ascending to a set of theological propositions, but he describes faith as relaxing. Relaxing in the love and presence of God in the way we relax in the presence of someone we are certain is fond of us.  When we are in the presence of someone we are certain is fond of us, we are funnier, more spontaneous, softer and less defended.  If I know for sure someone likes and loves me there is no reason to pretend anything. Allison says faith is relaxing.

                                                                        Nadia Bolz-Weber

__________________

These are anxious times

Covid-19 makes it inexorable march 

Across the globe

it is, in some ways

the end of the world as we know it

for we will be forever changed

by this event

not because of how many will get sick

or die

but because of what we will learn about ourselves

for good, or for ill

we have learned so much already

we have learned how fragile we are

we have learned that no matter how much money we have

no matter how sophisticated our technology

everything can be brought to full stop

by a virus

we have learned the impotence of power and wealth

and we have learned that you can’t gaslight or bullshit a virus

We have learned that fear and anxiety cause us to do

Crazy things

Like horde toilet paper

And kind things

Like watching after elderly neighbors

We have learned that some will panic

And some will deny

We have learned that some get shitty fast

And others get kind, fast

We have learned about social distancing

And live streaming

We have learned that we get sick together

When we deny and gather and infect

And we get well together

When as a community we do the needed things

The right things

And protect one another

I don’t know what the next months will bring

But what I do know is this

Faith will be important

for it will be faith that will allow me to sleep at night

(obviously something I did not do this night)

For faith will allow me to relax

to settle into the Sacred

and into love

It will be faith that will calm my heart

It will be faith that will keep me soft

And loving

And kind

And generous

It will be faith

That will get me through this time

With my empathy and compassion intact

With my mind and heart

And hands

Open

Spread Calm

We can all get really shitty really fast when we’re afraid. I get it. I’m using deep breaths along with my personal mantra: ” Try to be scared without being scary.” Feel free to borrow both - they can help….

Stay awkward, brave, and kind. Love each other. Spread calm.

                                                                        Brene Brown

___________________________________

I sit here

on a snowy March morning

contemplating

ruminating

the snow is a bit like a blanket

covering

isolating

even protecting

because it is an angry world out there

it seems so beautiful and calm here

in the high country of northeast Oregon

where high valleys nestling under

the brooding gaze of high peaks

where stoplights

McDonalds

And Walmarts don’t exist

and yet even here

where we often see people at their best

we sometimes see people at their worst

yesterday noon

after a morning of connecting with

special folk

I was headed home with Sirius on the radio

And the sound of the Troggs echoing

When I was met along the way

by one of those aging, jacked up

little 4X pickups (Toyota)

of nondescript color

and out of the window stuck a

bare, wiry arm

rigid and emphatic

raised in a one fingered salute

I didn’t know the car

Perhaps they knew mine

Perhaps this person really didn’t like me

(I am a public figure, and outspoken

 and I suspect there are people who don’t like me,

 and I suspect I have done things at times to earn disdain,

 I am sadly human)

Or perhaps this was just a random

Act of hostility

But it seemed

Somehow

like both a violation, and a symbol

It kind of felt like that one act

symbolizes America today

We are all just kind of roaring down the road

angry

flipping off the world

as we pass by

we all get shitty really fast

when we are afraid

or angry

when events and leaders

stir the pot of enmity

that exists in all our souls

but it is in these times

as we fear Corvid-19

as we are told to distance

as events were cherish are cancelled

as we are forced into tough choices

as schools and churches close

it is in these time

that we need to find within ourselves

that spark of the divine

that Sacred Presence that transforms

and gives us the capacity

for kindness and generosity

for forgiveness and calm

That presence that allows us to do life

A different way

And enables us to look past ourselves

To others

And do the right thing

The healing thing

The protective thing

So as Brene Brown so beautifully says,

“Stay awkward, brave, and kind. Love each other. Spread calm.”

Peace to all of you!

Stephen

anxiety on steroids

“What we all dread most is a maze with no centre.”

                                G.K. Chesterton

“Dread is anxiety on steroids.”

                                Emily Nagoski, Burnout:

________________________________________________

It was hard to get up this morning

Perhaps it was the darkness outside

Unrelieved

At the hour of 5am

But I think it was

Rather

The darkness inside

That kept me momentarily frozen to the mattress

Perhaps it was dread

The air has been heavy lately

Permeated with all kinds

Of threats and disappointments

Vacations cancelled

Stock markets crashing

Schools closing

Viruses making our very society ill

Relationships stretched thin by political differences

All those anxieties

Morphing into dread

Transforming into anger

And even cruelty

It does indeed feel as if we are in

A maze with no center

On a journey with no end

I suspect it must have been much the same

For the people of Israel

Out there in the Sinai

Out there in that dry and barren land

Where there was no water

I suspect the constant dread wore at them

Until they were raw

Distrusting

Reactive

Railing at their leaders

Eyeing each other with distrust

Splintering, fragmenting

Murmuring

“we want to go back to Egypt”

It gives me a glimmer of hope

That they found their way out of the mess

It gives me caution that they continually made new ones

The secret

To that slow journey out of the wilderness

Was not their own strength or brilliance

The secret was simply this

They learned to look toward the Sacred

They learned to trust that Sacred Presence

That dwelt among them

And led them forward

Pillar of fire

Pillar of cloud

I believe

left to their own devices they would have perished in that desert

They would ended up

Stuck in the desert, at best

Destroyed by their own fear and infighting

At the worst

But they learned to keep their eyes on the Sacred

And found their way home

Perhaps there is a lesson here for us

As we wander in this wasteland

Of greed, and strife

Of alienation and fear

In this time of dread

It is too easy

To slip into despair

And shut down

To go to anger

And look for someone to blame

And attack

It is too easy to be lured

By those who would lead us

To wrong solutions

To our own golden calves

I do believe

The maze has a center

But we only get there

If we keep our eyes on

Love/Sacred/Love

We only get there through

Compassion not calculation

Through generosity, not greed and inequity

Through kindness, not cruelty

Through welcome, not exclusion

It comes down to this

We find our way out of dread

By focusing on all that is Sacred

By being spiritual

And then

As has often been said

Walking each other home

In it together

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.”

                                                               John Donne

_________________________________

Whenever there is chaos

Whenever there is crisis

We learn something about ourselves

Right now the Covid-19 is our great teacher

First it was “not a problem”

Then it was “their problem’

And now it is “our problem”

And so as the stock market crashes

As trips we dreamed of

And events we treasured

Are cancelled or postponed

As governments announce bans

And implement responses

However ineffective

We are challenged not only

by a virus

but by our own nature

there is not doubt about it

this pandemic

for that is what it is

has (and will) caused a lot of grief

It has caused disappointment too

and anger

it has brought out the best in us

and it has brought out the worst

we are seeing it all

from people hording toilet paper

to people railing because a music concert has been cancelled

to people quietly doing what is right

some people are responding with fear and resentment

and some are responding with grace, and compassion

and what can only be called community ethics

let us make no mistake about this

this crisis

while personal

is not merely personal

it is not “all about me”

yes, I had to cancel a trip to visit cherished

but vulnerable cousins

Yes, a meeting I was looking forward to

is not happening

Yes, I may end up cancelling

(at some level)

Lent

But beyond my personal frustration and pain

There is a greater pain

The pain of people without insurance

The pain of people who will no longer have a job

The pain of people who, living pay check to pay check won’t have a pay check

The pain of older people

Forced to “socially distance”

All of this is about

The community that is my church

The community that is my small rural county

The community that is my friends and neighbors

The community that is my nation

The community that is the world

Can I feel the pain of my community

And

Can I set aside my individual wants and needs

For the sake of my community?

Can I mourn the loss of March Madness

And Spring Training

And my visits

And the value of my 401Ks

And possibly the loss of a traditional lent and Easter

But feel a deeper pain for the loss of livelihood

suffered by the minimum wage works on the edges

of pro sports

and the hospitality industry

and the entertainment and travel industry

Can I think of those older people

Who may not get that cherished visit from their family

Or pastor?

And can I embrace the small things I can do

To keep my family safe

My church members safe

My friends safe

My community

If not safe

A little safer?

Remembering

This is not “all about me”

Or my investments

It is about people

Vulnerable

Valuable

Loved

people

Whatever became of sin?

Whatever Became of Sin?

          Karl Menninger

“The Seven Social Sins are:

Wealth without work.

Pleasure without conscience.

Knowledge without character.

Commerce without morality.

Science without humanity.

Worship without sacrifice.

Politics without principle.

                     From a sermon given by Frederick Lewis Donaldson

                     in Westminster Abbey, London, on March 20, 1925.”

___________________________________

SIN

It is funny how so often those shouting about

what they consider the evils of the world

capitalize the word

its not

sin, or

Sin, its

SIN!!!!!!!

I can almost see them foaming at the mouth

I am certainly not going to suggest

that things are not “right with this world”

and I am not going to suggest that the image of God

is not “blurred” in most of us

blurred almost beyond recognition.

sin is certainly a powerful topic

it is so powerful in fact, that many people actually act,

in practical terms, as if the Bible begins in Genesis 3 (the fall)

rather than in Genesis 1 (the creation)

For some everything hinges around the choice made by

Adam and Eve to eat that damn apple

in their search to “be like God”

(which reflects, if nothing else, a lust for power)

People seem to forget that in the first two chapters

God creates

And IT IS GOOD

and men and women are created

“in the image of God”

Yeah!

We may be a mess folk

Be we carry divine DNA
We are created as Sacred Children

How can we forget that before there was

what many call “original sin”

there was “original blessing”

But let’s get back to sin

The Bible certainly talks about

And gets pretty specific about it (in some cases)

There are sins of commission, where people do

things they perhaps ought not do.

There are sins of omission, where people don’t do

what they really ought to do.

Sins come in all kinds of shapes and sizes

From getting a tattoo

To mixing fabric

To lying,

To murder

Some prohibitions are clearly meant

Simply to keep people safe

(don’t eat shellfish)

And some are clearly more profound

getting to the heart of what it means to be

in the image

ad imaginem

Its complicated

So let me make just a couple of observations

1.  We tend to focus on sins of commission not omission.  We get all excited about someone lying (for example), but don’t have the same passion over a lack of compassion.

2.  We define the sins of commission differently, depending.  What does it mean to steal?  To take someone’s wallet or purse?  Sometimes we see little thefts as huge, while ignoring corporate corruption, tax evasions by the very rich, which is where the big thefts are likely to be found. 

3.   Often we just choose to close our eyes to sins, failing to call out sin, and thus enabling it.  This is rank denial.  We choose to believe lies that are convenient, and sometimes not only excuse but idolize evil. 

3.  We are very subjective about sin.  The sins we yell about are the sins we don’t think we have.  They involve things we don’t understand or fear (often the same thing).  And we are subjective about the weight of sin.  There are some very profound sins, a greed for example, which we simply excuse.

4.  The people who are most adamant about the idea that “the Bible tells us what is a sin, and a sin is a sin” are often the most likely to have a small stable of sins they focus on, and a huge number of so called “sins” they totally ignore.

5.  We use sin not as a diagnostic but as a weapon

6.  We claim that “all are sinners”, even ourselves, but at some level we don’t really believe that.  Our own awareness of sin pales in comparison to our awareness of the sins of those we disagree with or fear.

This of course, could go on, and on, and on, and on.

But it is interesting to me that when asked about the Law, and the Commandments,

Jesus kept it pretty simply

Love God

And Love your neighbor as your self.

In the two passages where he talks about what we call “hell”,

the only thing he talks about is how we treat the vulnerable

Did we at least share crumbs of our wealth

Did we feed the hungry, clothe the poor, fight for justice?

So I guess it comes down to this

We have Divine DNA

We are designed to be people who loves as God loves

How God loves was revealed in Jesus

God loves all

God welcomes all

So sin is a failure to live the image

Which is a failure to love

Whatever that looks like

Whatever that means

“love one another

 for love comes from God”  (I John 4)

So quit screaming about SIN!

So quit counting the rules

So quit pointing fingers

And love

(OK, this is profoundly incomplete, but at least it starts the conversation)

together

It seems to be an ever repeated cycle

Something comes along that feels like a threat

Something that we do not fully understand

And we scramble and clamor for an answer

Not just an answer, be a cause

Not just a cause, but a cause outside ourselves

Not just a cause outside ourselves

But something or someone we can blame

We seek

an enemy

Someone we can blame

Someone one we can had

Someone on whom we can

Release the weight of our ignorance and insecurity

like the threatened animals we are

we huddle together

heads in

asses out

eyes closed

minds shut

ready to kick and repel

it happens every time there is a perceived threat

to our safety

to our way of life

to our norms

9/11

Economic recessions

Immigration

The mere growth of diversity

The emergence of the LGBTQI community

AIDS

And now COVID-19

Just this day a member of congress called it

The “Chinese virus”

Not just COVID-19

But a CHINESE virus

Because how handy it is to create blame

How lovely it is

as the virus threatens the stock market (the golden idol of America)

to be able to point a finger and say

“they did this”

Even though “they” took radical steps to contain the virus

And even though we in the US have not done nearly enough

To contain the virus

But now the enemies have been identified

And people of Asian descent her in America are being bullied

And minimized

And threatened

“go back to China”

In my own little corner of the world

Relatively unscathed as of yet

a white employee of a tribal casino is identified

with Covid-19

now story after story emerges

of tribal members being bullied

called names

treated with disrespect

told to “go back to the reservation”

I don’t think it is just a White thing,

But white Americans seem to have it down to an art

This delusion of superiority

The sad fact is it comes not from knowledge, but ignorance

And not from strength, but insecurity

And it makes us unkind

Sometimes cruel (think immigration camps and the separation of children from their parents)

It brings out our inner racist

Our inner bully

And it causes us to huddle closely together

Heads in

Ears closed

Eyes closed

Mouth open

Backs turned

there is an antidote

Spirituality

Hearts open

And filled with the lively presence of the Sacred

Which casts out fear

And drives us to people in need

Filled with the Spirit

Which opens our minds

Our ears

Our eyes

And our arms

No

This is not always safe

No

It is not always easy

No

It does not always turn out the way we think it should

(but what do we know?)

But it is the way

The truth

And the Life

Remember that guy named Jesus?

That guy that much of Christianity seems to have forgotten

As they wander in the retributive wilderness of some of the OT,

And pick up and cherish the worst parts of Paul?

Remember that one we have reburied

So that he can barely be seen

Underneath the religion we have created?

The one who said

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed..”

Yeah, that one

That one who welcomes all to the table

That one who came to touch all with love

That one who was about rescue, and restoration, and reconciliation

Not blame and shame

That one who did not think in terms of adjectives

Asian

Black

White

Poor

Rich

Religious

Apostate

Powerful

Weak

But looked the person in front of him and saw

Child of God

Child of God

Child of God

Even in times of trial, we do not have to be enemies

Indeed in times of trial we cannot be enemies

We are brothers and sisters

Together

And we must face the ills of the world

Together

Whether the ill be

Corvid -19

Or poverty

Or greedy

Or authoritarianism

No matter what comes our way

We must work together

to feed the hungry

Clothe the need

Free the oppressed

Heal the sick

Because that is

The Jesus way

Were all come

From east and west

And north and south

And sit at the table, together

The heart has reasons

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.”

                                         Blaise Pascal

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”

                                         Mahatma Gandhi (attributed to)

_____________________________________

What is on my heart today?

Not my brain

which chatters without ceasing

like a demented monkey

but my heart

if I stay in my head I will be overcome

with thoughts about the stock market

and my shrinking retirement accounts

if I stay in my head I will spend my day

analyzing polls

trying to figure out which wrinkled old white guy

is going to sit

in the seat of power

In my head are thoughts about tasks mundane

trips to the store

bills to be paid

emails to be send

but what do I find

if I still my mind

breath in

breath out

breath in

breath out

ah

they are much different

these things that tug at my heart

they have faces

I see my old friend

now in a care center

fearful that her friends will not be allowed to visit (Covid-19)

I see an anxious father

hoping that his daughter’s transplanted kidney

continues to work well

I see a LGBTQI friend

whose face carries her fears

about lost protections

and increased hostility

I see the single mother

scrambling to make ends meet

as yet another support program is cut

I see the tired, resigned face of the immigrant

The empty eyes of a young black person

The twisted face of one governed by hate and prejudice

I also see my children

And my grandchildren

And friends I care deeply about

And I am glad, sometimes

And sad

Joyful, and concerned

At the heart level

There are only people

That is what I carry there

Those I love

Those for whom the Sacred has given me

Empathy, and compassion

So much of what I worry about this day

Does not

In the end

Count for much (in the final equation)

But those things that are on my heart

Those people

Those precious souls

They are what matters

They are what count

And so

I pray

Hanging in the Garden

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.”

― Elizabeth Elliot

“...sitting and waiting is one of the most miserable occupations known to man - not that it usually is known to men; women do it much more often.”

― Diana Gabaldon

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it was a day of waiting

that Sabbath Saturday

the day after the day

the death after the death

men and women who loved

and had seen the beloved

beaten and killed,

waiting

unable to visit the tomb

unable to pour out the oil of their grief

on the body that lay

cold and alone

men and women waiting

that long dark day

for the moment when the sun would rise

on their grief

and they could make the journey

to the garden

how did they wait?

did the men pace, and find thing to fix?

did the women gather together

comforting each other

through word, or touch?

Did they all grieve together

or were they separated

by distance

or fear

or social norms

we know nothing of that Sabbath

except that it must have been full of pain

the pain of loss

the pain of separation

that same pain felt by those who cannot be

with their dying one’s their dead ones

in this time of pandemic

we know only of the first day of the week

when they found their way

to that fresh tomb

sealed and guarded

why was it that the men found only an empty tomb

and the women

at least one woman

found Jesus?

was it because the men came,

and quickly left, troubled and confused,

while Mary (and perhaps other women too)

waited

long enough to see

is this why the first Easter Sermon

was given by Mary Magdalene?

Ah, blessed are those

who mourn for they shall be comforted

Ah, blessed are those who wait upon the Lord

Ah, blessed are those who are willing to sit with the pain

And be broken open

Women and men alike

For theirs is the kingdom of God