The inevitability of self reflection

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There comes a moment in your life when you realize that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be fluent in Spanish. Or go hike in Norway, or do so many things you have dreamed of.  Or be as excited as you used to be about catching fireflies in Nebraska and grandma’s house.  You will not be famous.  A big name in a big pulpit.

 

You are never going to be able to recapture the moments with your kids and grandkids you failed to have because you were too busy, trying to do “all of the above.”

 

While I believe I have done good things in my life.  And while I have had some wonderful adventures.  I realize, here at 75, how many times I made mistakes that kept me from having the influence I could have had.

 

I look back at the paths that I've trod, at the things that I regret, the mistakes that I've made, and at times they seem to overwhelm the good.

 

Yes, I can call it regret, for all the things I could have done, but never quite did, yet

And all the things I should have said, but held back in fear

And all the chances that I missed, year after year

To be my best self.

 

I have been from my earliest days, an anxious, uncertain soul

Needing to be liked and affirmed.

Needy people do not relate to others well

Even those who have skills, talents, and abilities find those attributes

Dimmed by insecurity and need

 

I have tried too hard to prove myself, to myself and others.

I have been a workaholic.

For a period of my life, I was terribly dysfunctional, seeking to deal with my

Inner turmoil in unhealthy ways.

 

And at times all that comes rolling back.

My life narrative leans into my failures and not my success.

 

My biggest regrets center around my relationships with people.

To put it bluntly, I have been almost impossible to get close to

I have had friends, but rarely were those friendships deep or resilient, or persistent.

 

My ego fears got in the way

My need to impress

To be important

To be right

Caused me to seem arrogant and radically opinionated

When mostly I was just uncertain and longing to be valued

 

This may sound like low testosterone babble

Sorry

But I’ve thought about this a lot.

I am not going to blame anyone for where I landed

My parents did the best they could, and it was pretty damn good

I landed here anyway.

 

I was thinking the other day about my greatest failure.

As a pastor, a therapist, a friend, a parent, and a spouse

 

It is this.

My inability to step out of my own brain and listen well to others.

Kind of a big handicap for people in the roles I have been in.

 

My brain goes 1000 miles a minute.  It is like there are 100 TVs in my head.

And they are all on the same channel

My brain is nimble (mostly, still) and creative

And when people start to talk, it goes into hyper gear

 

And I, instead of listening with patience, knowing that I might miss something important

If I don’t keep my mouth shut,

 

Jump in

 

Over-talking, ending other people’s sentences

I have no patience, because I need to get my thoughts and MY ideas out there.

To all of you who read this, whom I have talked over the top of….  Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa

 

To those who have felt me pushy and arrogant.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me

To those whom I have made feel “less.”   I  am sorry.

 

For those who wanted to get close but got tired of talking to a wall,

Who found me unapproachable.  I am sad.

 

You would think with all my education, training, and experience I could have done

Better than this.

 

But, alas

 

This is my life, for better or worse.

 

But the God I believe in came and was available

And that God allowed the Empire to kill him

To remind me that out of even death, life can emerge

Out of failure, new beginnings.

 

I have no illusions.  I am 75.  Change will be hard.  Is hard

But this day, and every day

I will try to let the God who wants to fill me with joy, love, and hope

Do just that

 

And I will try to calm down

And listen

And shut up

And let God be with me, both in the Holy Spirit

And through the Spirit in the people around me

Who have wonderful wisdom to share and gifts to give.

 

The alternative is too grim to bear

 

Amen?

 

“So this is it ⎯ what cost me all that time. A man who turned out to be old, a house that turned out to be empty.”

― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad

Dealing with things that cannot be cured

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I have done what was mine to do.  May Christ teach you what is yours.

St Francis of Assisi

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.

Friedrich Nietzsche

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.

Kurt Vonnegut, Palm Sunday

______________________________________

Old bones creak

The pain is moderate, but unremitting

The lilac on the porch

Nursed through many a summer’s drought

Looks dead

My country is gone, washed away by a flash flood 

of abused power, corruption, hate, racism, and greed

destroyed

the pain in the world is no moderate, but is unremitting

the grief in Nepal and Tibet, where over 6000 souls

are dead or missing

and communities lie buried in mud

destroyed

while the world moves on, already forgetting

forgetting as they also forget Gaza

and the tens of thousands killed

as they forget the 20,000 children gone

As they forget the children killed by the US

In Iran

And the children in Ukraine

My pathetic sufferings are nothing.

Nothing

Nothing

Compared to the pain caused by those

Addicted to wealth and power

As the devastation created by those empty shells

Who cannot figure out

That more money and more power will not ease their soul pain

Which is unremitting

Trump, Hegseth, Putin, Netanyahu, Kim

And there are others.

Smaller tyrants

Abusive spouses, rapers, 

The corrupt rich like Russel Vought, Peter Thiel, Howard Lutnick

I suspect their pain too, if they allow themselves to feel it

Is greater than mine

And pain, untransformed

Is transmitted

Passed on

So what do I now do

With this life

What is mine to do?

Do I shrivel up, like my lilac

Do I let the hate defeat me, and make me small?

Trump small?

Hegseth small?

Or do I believe in spring?

In resurrection?

In love?

What is my job?

Perhaps, perhaps,

It is to create a free and friendly space

To be a person who passes on

Not the hate and the need for domination of MAGA

But the love of Jesus (the Christ)

A love that extends to all

A love that transforms

That seems foolish and puny.

Even as I write it

But then Jesus on the cross

Seemed foolish and weak too

God’s ways are truly not our ways.

So let me live this day,

Not angry, not cruel

Not filled with hate

Not retributive

Not hopeless

Let me live hope

For hope is only truly hope

When it is lived (thank you, Mitri Rahib)

For that is what

That is perhaps all

I can do

Hope is lived

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“Hope is living the reality and yet investing in a different one.”

          Mitri Raheb

 

I’m tired

Madeline Kahn

“I'm tired, Tired of playing the game

Ain't it a crying shame, I'm so tired, God dammit I'm exhausted!” tired.

 

Tired of waking up every morning, wondering what a narcissistic President has done this time to draw attention to himself or deflect attention away from his sins and his failures.

 

I am tired of hate

Tired of lies

Tired of greed

Tired of racism

Tired of corruption

Tired of ICE abusing people

Tired of regulations being ended, ensuring the end of the planet

 

I am tired of Trump, Hegseth, Rubio, and Huckabee

Tired of Netanyahu

And genocide (because that is what it is)

 

I am tired of people saying Trump has done more good than bad

Really?

By what standards!?

 

Ah, there we have it.

 

I have been wondering lately what the problem is.

Why do the GOP faithful just keep plodding along, supporting

Trump, Tuberville, in Oregon, Drazan and Bentz

Abbot and Paxton

 

And what I now believe is that the reason is this.

The starting point

 

What is the starting point for the policies and behaviors

Of MAGA GOP?  The President, the Congress, the SCOTUS (that right-wing majority is bought and sold), the supermajorities in Red States

 

What is it that shapes their thinking and drives their behaviors?

 

Their starting point is money and power

Everything is about money and power.

Will it make us money? Will it help us make more money

Will it help us keep our money? Will it make it so we don’t have to share our wealth?

(After all, we earned it!  Or daddy or granddaddy did)

 

Will it give us power, the ability to shape the world the way we want it?

Will it give us the ability to make America White?

Will it give us the power to get retribution on those we don’t like?

Or the power to imprison them in concentration camps, or expel them?

Or kill them?

 

Will it give us the power to make all the rules?

To impose our will on a diverse world, on diverse and unique people?

 

The starting point should be

Love and service

 

How do we love all the people

How do we serve people

How do we make sure everyone has enough to eat

A roof over their head?

Healthcare.

Water

Safety

 

How do we find ways to welcome people into our country

Who are coming from danger and terrible, deadly poverty?

How do we welcome them?

 

It is not that the Democrats are stellar

They too have a relationship with money and power that taints

 

But they also have a clue about love and service.

And of the two parties, they are more likely to actually design and enact policies.

That help the people, not just the GDP

 

You start in the wrong place.

You have the wrong goals.

You have the wrong goals

You have the wrong strategies

You have the wrong strategies, and you have the power to implement them

 

And people, real people

Old people,  young people

People who have physical health issues

People whose bodies and minds don’t work quite right

People who are strangers

People who are poor

People whose skin is not white

 

Get abandoned.  Ignored.  Left behind

Worse, they get demonized

Minimized

Marginalized

 

You have the wrong goals, and you think ICE is a good idea

You cheer when mining companies tear apart what used to be a national monument

You turn a blind eye to the needs of real people

You rejoice in domination, and control, and YES

Cruelty

 

Jesus could have started from the wrong place

The tempter certainly wanted him to.

But he rejected the starting point of power and wealth

And embraced the starting point of love and servanthood

 

That is what drove his ministry.

And if we want to be followers,

We too must embrace the way of love and servanthood

 

The Jesus path is not easy.

But we see, with people like Putin, Kim, Netanyahu, and Trump

What it looks like when we choose the way of power and wealth

 

It is not great

Not even close

 

So think about what your starting point is

Why do you support whom you support

Why do you admire whom you admire

Why do you vote for whom you vote?

 

In my book, right now, if we want to be faithful to the Gospel

The people like Trump, Drazan, Bentz, and all the rest

Abbott and Paxton

Are not viable options

 

But that is just me

With my understanding of the starting place

That God would have us choose.