Being afraid

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… the only Absolute ever promised us in the Bible is Yahweh… No institution - not Israel itself, no priesthood, no kingship, no military might, no conceptual school of thought, and no legal system - was ever allowed to displace Yahweh as the “rock and only fortress” of Israel… Although each of those institutions tried, and often did replace Yahweh as the central reference point, it was always called idolatry by the prophets.

          Richard Rohr,  in Things Hidden

 

… some will seek after stability by building a different kind of certainty, a story: that person over there is at fault.  We’ll populate our story with victims, villains, and scapegoats, forgetting that they too are living in a system that isn’t working, scaffolded by ramshackle certainties of their own.  Instability breeds anxiety, and the more anxious we are, the more rigid we become in our thinking.  Anxiety decreases flexibility and our ability to learn.  And these anxieties are easy to exploit by leaders with an agenda.

          MaryAnn McKibben Dana in Better Than Normal

___________________________

 

Be afraid

Be very afraid

 

So say the politicians.

Be afraid

Of Communists, Socialists

Be afraid

Of immigrants

People of Color

 

MUSLIMS!!!

Trans people!

 

Ignore the fact that there really aren’t any politicians in America

who are actually Communists

Forget the fact that Muslims make up 1.5% of the American population

They are going to impose Sharia Law (whatever people think that is)

Forget the fact that there are more flat-earthers than there are trans people

 

THEY are going to destroy us

 

Uncertainty has its place.

But the problem is that when we are uncertain

We seek certainty

We embrace it

Cling to it

Depend on it

And we weaponize it

 

We find things we think we can trust

And those things become our center

 

People think they can trust Trump (only God knows why)

And Trump becomes their center

And MAGA becomes a cult of certainty

 

People lean into the law.

Whether that law be the law of the land

Or what they believe to be Sacred law

 

And fall into the idolatry of the law

Making the law, or at least the laws they choose as important

To be the Center, the Absolute

The one thing they can trust

 

We can abuse, dehumanize, and deport immigrants

Because we are simply upholding the law passed by Congress

(How many laws do those same people not uphold?)

 

“The Bible says, LGBTQI+ people are bad”

People say

“Of that I am certain”

And those Bible verses become God to them

Blinding them to a God who is love and forgiveness

 

We have so many gods we trust that are not God

We replace Yahweh with so many pathetic human things

Our military

A political party

MAGA

Guns

 

But there is only one certainty, Yahweh,

that can help us embrace the uncertainty which surrounds us

and which we cannot escape

 

One certainty that

When we do not understand

When we are afraid

When we are confused

When we are bombarded by lies and hate

 

Can help us keep that uncertainty

From making us

Deplorable

 

People who are rigid, hate-filled,

Angry,

Fearful,

And cruel 

 

I am tired of being anxious.

Here on Jesus Christ I will stand

He’s the solid rock of my life

The one Absolute

Who can deliver me

From my anxious self

The fondness of God

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I’ve made a habit of rephrasing the line “God loves you,” and instead of making it about God, I make it about the object of God’s relentless affection – us.  So, throughout “The Shack,” Papa would say, “I am especially fond of her or him.”  There is a world of difference between saying “I love you,” which is about me, and saying “I am especially fond of you,” which is about you.  Both are correct, but the latter somehow pierces the disquiet of our souls and says, “Yes, I know you love me, but do you know me and do you like me?  You love because that is the way you are, but is there anything about  me that is worth loving?”  Do you ‘see’ me, and do you like what you ‘see’?”

          Wm. Paul Young

____________________________

 

We constantly say God is love.

And we believe it,

Kind of,

Mostly.

 

But we struggle to believe that God’s love

Trickles down

To us

 

Personally

I can believe God loves humankind

But I have more trouble believing God loves

This particular human

Stephen

 

There is that nagging doubt.

And that insidious belief that God loves me

If

 

If I am good enough

If I accomplish enough

 

I might believe God loves me for what I can do

Or have done

“Have I been good enough”

 

But I struggle to embrace the reality

that God just, simply, loves me

With all my flaws,

With my history of bad choices

 

If God really knows me

God can’t really love me

Love me abstractly perhaps, because

The Sacred has no choice, right?

But like me?

 

If I met God face to face, would God say,

“I am particularly fond of you?  You are my favorite child?”

(We are ALL ‘God’s favorite child’, just as my children are ALL my favorites)

 

And what does it mean,

If I cannot accept the compassionate, grace-filled embrace of God

 

For me, it makes me insecure.  It makes me feel less.

Empty

Unloved

 

And it causes me

To hide behind certainty and competence

Behind answers that I sow like seeds.

 

It causes me to create a wall that keeps people at a distance

It forces me to prove myself (which makes me appear arrogant, when really I struggle to believe I am really OK)

 

It can be worse.

It can force people to make others less so they can be more.

It can cause people to inflict pain on others to numb their own pain,

It causes people to believe that enough is never enough and become bloated with power and wealth.

 

The more power, the more influence we have

The more damaging it is to fail to believe that God is fond of us.

 

Poor Donald Trump.  And Pete Hegseth.

If we look at their behavior, we must see it as a sign

That they are terrified

That they feel unloved.  And unlovable.

 

So they must force those around them to respect and admire them.

Look at my arch!

Watch me do pull-ups!

 

And they end up walking through life spreading pain and hate

Division and destruction.

 

My friends, God loves you.

More, God is especially fond of you.

And me

And, yeah, Donald Trump

 

We can hate, perhaps despise what people do

We can hate ideologies of hate

But we can’t hate people (OK, we do, but we probably shouldn’t)

 

Because hate will not solve anything.

Hate engenders hate

That is why Jesus on the cross refused, even then,

To hate the people who had put him there.

 

Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.

Honestly, I couldn’t have done that

Or if I could have uttered the words, “Father, forgive them,”

I would have ended with, “because they are idiots, stupid.”

 

Thank you, God

That you were especially fond of Pilate, and those men at the foot of the cross;

And that you are especially fond of those I think are spectacularly dangerous and wrong;

And that you are especially fond of me.

The inevitability of self reflection

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There comes a moment in your life when you realize that no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be fluent in Spanish. Or go hike in Norway, or do so many things you have dreamed of.  Or be as excited as you used to be about catching fireflies in Nebraska and grandma’s house.  You will not be famous.  A big name in a big pulpit.

 

You are never going to be able to recapture the moments with your kids and grandkids you failed to have because you were too busy, trying to do “all of the above.”

 

While I believe I have done good things in my life.  And while I have had some wonderful adventures.  I realize, here at 75, how many times I made mistakes that kept me from having the influence I could have had.

 

I look back at the paths that I've trod, at the things that I regret, the mistakes that I've made, and at times they seem to overwhelm the good.

 

Yes, I can call it regret, for all the things I could have done, but never quite did, yet

And all the things I should have said, but held back in fear

And all the chances that I missed, year after year

To be my best self.

 

I have been from my earliest days, an anxious, uncertain soul

Needing to be liked and affirmed.

Needy people do not relate to others well

Even those who have skills, talents, and abilities find those attributes

Dimmed by insecurity and need

 

I have tried too hard to prove myself, to myself and others.

I have been a workaholic.

For a period of my life, I was terribly dysfunctional, seeking to deal with my

Inner turmoil in unhealthy ways.

 

And at times all that comes rolling back.

My life narrative leans into my failures and not my success.

 

My biggest regrets center around my relationships with people.

To put it bluntly, I have been almost impossible to get close to

I have had friends, but rarely were those friendships deep or resilient, or persistent.

 

My ego fears got in the way

My need to impress

To be important

To be right

Caused me to seem arrogant and radically opinionated

When mostly I was just uncertain and longing to be valued

 

This may sound like low testosterone babble

Sorry

But I’ve thought about this a lot.

I am not going to blame anyone for where I landed

My parents did the best they could, and it was pretty damn good

I landed here anyway.

 

I was thinking the other day about my greatest failure.

As a pastor, a therapist, a friend, a parent, and a spouse

 

It is this.

My inability to step out of my own brain and listen well to others.

Kind of a big handicap for people in the roles I have been in.

 

My brain goes 1000 miles a minute.  It is like there are 100 TVs in my head.

And they are all on the same channel

My brain is nimble (mostly, still) and creative

And when people start to talk, it goes into hyper gear

 

And I, instead of listening with patience, knowing that I might miss something important

If I don’t keep my mouth shut,

 

Jump in

 

Over-talking, ending other people’s sentences

I have no patience, because I need to get my thoughts and MY ideas out there.

To all of you who read this, whom I have talked over the top of….  Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa

 

To those who have felt me pushy and arrogant.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me

To those whom I have made feel “less.”   I  am sorry.

 

For those who wanted to get close but got tired of talking to a wall,

Who found me unapproachable.  I am sad.

 

You would think with all my education, training, and experience I could have done

Better than this.

 

But, alas

 

This is my life, for better or worse.

 

But the God I believe in came and was available

And that God allowed the Empire to kill him

To remind me that out of even death, life can emerge

Out of failure, new beginnings.

 

I have no illusions.  I am 75.  Change will be hard.  Is hard

But this day, and every day

I will try to let the God who wants to fill me with joy, love, and hope

Do just that

 

And I will try to calm down

And listen

And shut up

And let God be with me, both in the Holy Spirit

And through the Spirit in the people around me

Who have wonderful wisdom to share and gifts to give.

 

The alternative is too grim to bear

 

Amen?

 

“So this is it ⎯ what cost me all that time. A man who turned out to be old, a house that turned out to be empty.”

― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad