Creating space

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Recently I’ve been wondering: if, when Jesus says deny yourself and follow me, that maybe it’s not about ensuring his followers are doormats. Maybe he’s inviting us to deny the part of us that wants to see itself as separate from God and others. 

Deny the self that believes that spirituality should be a suffering avoidance program.

Deny the self that always creates a list of demands.

Deny the self that is so turned in on itself that it cannot see much of anything beyond itself…

Because in the end, one aspect of the whole death and resurrection thing that Jesus promised us is the death of the false self.

But the death of the false self doesn’t feel good. In fact, Richard Rohr once wrote that “holiness never feels like holiness; it just feels like you’re dying.”…

But no matter how painful, when the unhealthy ideas and habits and identities we rely on are taken away from us, it just makes space for that which is actually real and actually holy….

Nadia Bolz-Weber. Daily Meditation, CAC, August 31, 2026

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Those who follow Jesus

Have signed on to something weird,

A path that leads not to ascent

To what is normally seen as victory and success

But to descent.

To what is normally seen as renunciation, 

Perhaps even failure and defeat.

Those who will be first must be last.

If you want to live, you have to die.

Give, if you want to receive.

Weird.

Or not.

Honestly, if I want to grow,

If I want to become a better human creature,

If I want to “move on,”

I must be continually letting go,

Continually dying.

Beginnings often can only come after endings.

If I am full of ego, for example,

Full of “me,”

(like someone we all know)

Then there is no room for other people,

No room for God.

And if there is no room for God,

Then I must become my own god

If I am too full of “victim,”

Then there is no room in my soul for self-examination;

“What about this mess I am in, is really about me, not them?”

If I can’t let go of my fear, I can’t be open to

Other people.

Change.

God’s new thing.

Maybe Jesus was on to something.

Deny the self,

Let it all go

Hand it all over.

And God will keep much of it.

But God will also hand back that which is worth keeping

And much more besides.

Know the job

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Thomas Howells, my beloved English Professor in College

Once opined

That you ought to know the job requirements before you take a job

 

Sounds right!

 

But I think, looking back, that I have

More often than not

Taken jobs, and then tried to make them fit my expectations

 

I don’t think I really thought it through

When I decided to take on the job of “minister” or “pastor”

 

Even after four years of seminary and an M.Div.

I am not sure I had really thought about what it meant to take on that role.

 

If I had, I would have understood that I did not have the skill set

I had some of the skills

But not all

Perhaps not most

 

So I remade the job to fit my natural skills

Which meant parts of the job got neglected

Perhaps worse

 

I got away with it, mostly

But underneath some real successes

Was some real poverty

 

It gets even worse if we start thinking about the whole idea

Of being a follower of Jesus

OMG

Seriously!

 

It is one thing to go through the motions of

Memorizing scriptures

Showing up on Sunday morning and being pious

Thinking it looks cool to wear a cross

 

It is quite another to die to one’s self

To embrace radical love

Which means embracing

Radical generosity

Radical forgiveness

Radical compassion

Radical acceptance and welcome

 

Which means being willing to let go of much that we prize

And be a servant

And perhaps

Stand against the powers of this world

And resist abusers of power

And haters

And the greedy

 

To go against the core values

Of a nation gone wrong

Of a religion gone off the tracks

 

To try and be a follower who is also a “minister,” a “leader?”

Way beyond me

 

All I can do is echo the words of Paul (Romans 7,  JB Phillips)

In my mind I am God’s willing servant, but in my own nature I am bound fast, as I say, to the law of sin and death. It is an agonizing situation, and who on earth can set me free from the clutches of my sinful nature? I thank God there is a way out through Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

Thank God for the Spirit

Thank God for grace and forgiveness

 

Thank God for the ways God can use us

Despite ourselves

 

May we, in these difficult times

Be honest about what the “way” looks like

About who we follow

What we embrace

 

May we, as best we can

“take on the job”

Of being God’s people

what do you expect?

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“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.”

Eric Hoffer

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Wow!

That is incredible!

I love the way it is all coming together, finally!

Ah, those spikes of hope

A person who has been struggling seems to be getting it all together

Yay!

A new family shows up in worship

The church finally seems to be gaining some momentum

You leave a worship service going “Wow, that worked!  That was powerful”

You go online to find a good person has won an election

And then

The old patterns emerge

The new family disappears

The church feels mired in “old stuff”

The Senate confirms a corrupt creep into a key role

And you end up feeling

Bankrupt

Empty

Tired

Hopeless

Perhaps it was easier when I was younger

35, 45, not 75

Perhaps it was easier when I wasn’t fighting chronic pain,

Two shoulders full of torn tendons that don’t work

An energy level that never faltered

A mind that was sharp

But now?

Can these dry bones live?

Can this nation recover?

Can the church not just survive but flourish?

Can I continue to live a life of productivity and meaning?

No, I am not a pessimist (am I?)

Leland Val Van de Wall once said 

“The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional

To the amount of truth he can accept about himself without running away”

The same might be said for nations and churches

I believe there is always hope

The Kingdom of God is near

It lingers around our hearts

And we see glimpses of glory

Near but not yet

So close, but yet so far

I don’t think

Those moments of “Wow”

Will ever be more than fleeting

They will be followed, too quickly by “Ugh”

But they come, and come, and come again

And for that I give thanks