forgiveness

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Forgiveness

I heard somewhere that there are three types of forgiveness

exoneration,

forbearance and release

 

when we exonerate another we wipe the slate clean

and start over

perhaps we see the person truly just made a mistake,

or perhaps was too young to understand

or, perhaps, we sense true repentance

 

and so we wipe the slate clean and start over

 

with forbearance, there is still caution

we “forgive” but don’t “forget”

we don’t quite trust?

 

Perhaps the other hasn’t really acknowledged the pain they have created

or excuses it

we stay in the relationship, and we function “normally” with this person

but…

 

and then there is release

Release does not exonerate the offender.

Nor does it require forbearance.

It doesn’t even

demand that we continue the relationship.

But it does ask that we stop defining our life in terms of the hurt done

We let go of our preoccupation with the hurt, with the event, the person

 

Release does something is that is critically important:

it allows us to let go of a painful, heavy burden

that keeps us from joy, hope, that keeps us from moving forward

 

It is a refusal to let those who have hurt us live rent-free in our minds

 

I struggle with forgiveness

I struggle to forgive those I think are truly (for lack of a better word) evil

To forgive those who abuse, and harm others

To forgive those who are predators, and abusers

 

What do I do with those people who beat up their children?

Or pack a gun into a school and kill innocent people, including little ones?

Or fly a plane into a building?

Or lie about elections and destroy our democracy?             

(I struggle to forgive myself too, but that is another story for another day)

 

It doesn’t matter if the harm is to one or many

I struggle to forgive such people

In part because forgiveness of such people feels like enabling

Like I am simply say, treat us like $hit and we’ll totally forgive you…

 

So keep doing it!

I don’t really want to be a holy doormat

 

and yet there it is

in this faith system I embrace

forgive

forgive 70 X 7

turn the other cheek

love your enemy pray for those who persecute you

 

and then there are those haunting words from the cross

Father forgive them

 

the problem is that retaliation doesn’t work

not really 

you attack me, I attack you

you hurt me, I hurt you

 

there might be a certain satisfaction in retaliation and retribution

but the sad reality is there

hate leads to hate, violence to violence

and in the end, if we can’t really harm those who harmed us

we harm ourselves, and those we love

 

in the end, without forgiveness

we become what we hate, we become like the one who harmed us

 

Jesus went around cutting people loose from their pasts

Their sins

In doing so he offered them the freedom to step away from whatever it was

That was hurting them and others

He was giving them a chance to live life a new way.

 

We can’t bind people to their pasts with unforgiveness

We can’t bind ourselves to evil with unforgiveness

Or hate and bitterness will metastasize in our souls

 

we have to let go

how we do that without enabling?

 

that is when it gets complicated

Jesus did it by putting himself, his body, his life on the line

he stood between us and evil

between us and hell

and he stands between us and the hells of our own making

 

what does it mean to offer forgiveness

and yet stand in the gap between evil and those evil would harm?

 

it means, I suspect to protect

perhaps to help the abused spouse to leave and find safety

and to face the abuser with firmness (you will not do this again)

but also with love (I believe you can be better than this)

 

I have no complete answer

Some will think these words mere drivel

Some will see them as foolish accommodation

Some will be affronted and will quickly point out that one has “do something”

 

Ah, the foolishness of the cross

 

Jesus has given us a model of how to combat evil

It is a rough road, asking us to stand up against evil

While at the same time not giving evil power within ourselves

Asking us to reject harm, without rejecting the “other”

 

I can’t do it (at least not well)

Perhaps I can only echo the words of Jesus

“God, Sacred One, you forgive them”

(and I’ll do my best to follow along)