And with every step I took it became more impossible for me
to turn back. And my mind was empty—or it was as though my mind had become one
enormous, anaesthetized wound. I thought only, One day I'll weep for this. One
of these days I'll start to cry.
James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room
___________________________________________
I sit and stare blankly at the screen
my mind is empty, my hands are still
I do not know how long I have been sitting this way
My mind, heart, soul
An anaesthetized wound
I am preoccupied with the chaos
love is losing
Empire, replete with its trappings of fear, control, and
cruelty
Is winning
My soul is assailed by evil and greed
By the callous disregard for people
That tears at the very fabric of who I am
I move from anger to disgust
From fear to (yes, I admit it) hate
From shock to sadness to profound grief
It is bad enough that people in power abuse it
That people with privilege exploit it
It is bad enough that people do ungodly things
In the name of God
But what shatters me is that so many do not care
I wonder if this is how the disciples felt that Saturday
morning
After it was all over
after the political and religious systems
did their thing
and killed love
hung compassion on a cross
what must it have been like to sit there in that upper
room
where only days before
the space had echoed with laughter
and bread was broken
and a cup passed round, again and again
what must it have been like to sit there
your heart ripped from your body
while outside
the Roman soldiers prowl and harass
and the people of Jerusalem
simply open their shops
buy their groceries
and go about their day
as if nothing has happened?
As the people walk the street, cowed and silenced by the
soldiers
a conquered people who have capitulated to power
and live in fear
it feels so hopeless
I feel so helpless
As if there is nothing I can do
But I cannot just sit here
hoping it will all go away
hoping that people will wake up to the Sacred
hoping against hope
I know there are no easy answers
I know that Sacred seems distant and unconcerned
and lament is now a way of life
But still, I must stand
And I must go through each day
Left foot,
Right foot
Left foot breathe
Trusting in the Sacred,
Trusting God, GodWithUs, GodInUs
Trusting enough to leave those places of safety
to stand in the street, facing the fierce gusts of hate
and speak about justice, as justice is denied
and when those with power us it hatefully
live love
I must stand, because I know, on this Saturday
Something the disciples did not know, yet
I know about the resurrection
I know what God did
And I know
What God can do
And so I sit
But not for long
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