Musicians don’t retire; they stop when there’s no more music
in them.
Louis Armstrong
Friend to my son (5) after I got my doctorate.
Friend: Bryce, what
does it feel like to have a dad who is a doctor
Bryce: (thinking of his grandfather, who was a medical
doctor)
Oh, it's
OK, but he is not the kind of doctor who does anybody any good.
Me: …….
___________________________________________________________________________________
I sit and stare blankly at the screen
my mind is empty
my hands are still
I do not know how long I have been sitting this way
My mind,
My heart
My soul
An anaesthetized wound
I cannot find the energy to think
To write
To move
To act
I am frozen
Brought to a complete stop
By a sense of futility
I have always been a striver.
I have always worked hard.
Perhaps too hard
And I have always wanted,
In my striving
To make a difference.
I know I have “done things”
Sometimes well
Sometimes?
Well….
As a pastor, I had churches grow,
As a mental health director, the program flourished
I did cool things
Like redesigning a primary care delivery system in
Azerbaijan
But right now
When the world is stretched thin by hate and fear
And hopelessness abounds
I feel hopeless
A little useless
It is one blow after another.
A plethora of little losses
A church member disappears (we cannot afford any losses)
My country (IMHO) is assailed by forces that seek
Control and retribution.
And those forces seem to be winning.
Each day
I am diminished
Erased
Perhaps ministers don’t retire,
They simply run out of hope, love, peace, and joy
Sometimes nothing works
The mind shuts down
The words don’t come
The music dies
And you feel like you aren’t the kind of person
Who does anybody any good
And yet, and yet
For all this, hope remains.
There in the deep-down places
because we each have someplace within
in that place which makes us who we are
something sacred
something positive
something yes
It might not be very big
but as Jesus said,
if it is as big as a mustard seed, it will do
and if we can move to that place
live, even for a moment in that space
if we can tap into that love
that forgiveness
that hope
that peace
then we can be people who leak life energy
because then we are defined
by that love
by who and what we are for (not against)
In a world of “no”
We can live “yes”
It is Saturday night.
I will get up tomorrow and preach the good news, yes
And hopefully live it too, yes
And I will travel to a church with big questions
And try to be God’s yes
And I will look in the mirror
And say “yes”
I can do this
At least one more day
