I can do this

Presbyterian Bloggers

Powered By Ringsurf

Musicians don’t retire; they stop when there’s no more music in them.

                     Louis Armstrong

 

Friend to my son (5) after I got my doctorate.

Friend:  Bryce, what does it feel like to have a dad who is a doctor

Bryce: (thinking of his grandfather, who was a medical doctor)

           Oh, it's OK, but he is not the kind of doctor who does anybody any good.

Me:   …….

___________________________________________________________________________________

 

I sit and stare blankly at the screen

my mind is empty

my hands are still

 

I do not know how long I have been sitting this way

My mind,

My heart

My soul

An anaesthetized wound

 

I cannot find the energy to think

To write

To move

To act

 

I am frozen

Brought to a complete stop

By a sense of futility

 

I have always been a striver.

I have always worked hard.

Perhaps too hard

 

And I have always wanted,

In my striving

To make a difference.

 

I know I have “done things”

Sometimes well

Sometimes?

Well….

 

As a pastor, I had churches grow,

As a mental health director, the program flourished

I did cool things

Like redesigning a primary care delivery system in Azerbaijan

 

But right now

When the world is stretched thin by hate and fear

And hopelessness abounds

 

I feel hopeless

A little useless

 

It is one blow after another.

A plethora of little losses

A church member disappears (we cannot afford any losses)

My country (IMHO) is assailed by forces that seek

Control and retribution.  And those forces seem to be winning.

 

Each day

I am diminished

Erased

 

Perhaps ministers don’t retire,

They simply run out of hope, love, peace, and joy

 

Sometimes nothing works

The mind shuts down

The words don’t come

The music dies

 

And you feel like you aren’t the kind of person

Who does anybody any good

 

And yet, and yet

 

For all this, hope remains.

There in the deep-down places

 

because we each have someplace within

in that place which makes us who we are

 

something sacred

something positive

something yes

 

It might not be very big

but as Jesus said,

if it is as big as a mustard seed, it will do

 

and if we can move to that place

live, even for a moment in that space

if we can tap into that love

that forgiveness

that hope

that peace

 

then we can be people who leak life energy

because then we are defined

by that love

by who and what we are for (not against)

 

In a world of “no”

We can live “yes”

 

It is Saturday night.

I will get up tomorrow and preach the good news, yes

And hopefully live it too, yes

And I will travel to a church with big questions

And try to be God’s yes

 

And I will look in the mirror

And say “yes”

I can do this

At least one more day