There comes a moment in your life when you realize that
no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be fluent in Spanish. Or go
hike in Norway, or do so many things you have dreamed of. Or be as excited as you used to be about
catching fireflies in Nebraska and grandma’s house. You will not be famous. A big name in a big pulpit.
You are never going to be able to recapture the moments
with your kids and grandkids you failed to have because you were too busy,
trying to do “all of the above.”
While I believe I have done good things in my life. And while I have had some wonderful
adventures. I realize, here at 75, how
many times I made mistakes that kept me from having the influence I could have
had.
I look back at the paths that I've trod, at the things
that I regret, the mistakes that I've made, and at times they seem to overwhelm
the good.
Yes, I can call it regret, for all the things I could
have done, but never quite did, yet
And all the things I should have said, but held back in
fear
And all the chances that I missed, year after year
To be my best self.
I have been from my earliest days, an anxious, uncertain
soul
Needing to be liked and affirmed.
Needy people do not relate to others well
Even those who have skills, talents, and abilities find
those attributes
Dimmed by insecurity and need
I have tried too hard to prove myself, to myself and
others.
I have been a workaholic.
For a period of my life, I was terribly dysfunctional,
seeking to deal with my
Inner turmoil in unhealthy ways.
And at times all that comes rolling back.
My life narrative leans into my failures and not my
success.
My biggest regrets center around my relationships with
people.
To put it bluntly, I have been almost impossible to get
close to
I have had friends, but rarely were those friendships
deep or resilient, or persistent.
My ego fears got in the way
My need to impress
To be important
To be right
Caused me to seem arrogant and radically opinionated
When mostly I was just uncertain and longing to be valued
This may sound like low testosterone babble
Sorry
But I’ve thought about this a lot.
I am not going to blame anyone for where I landed
My parents did the best they could, and it was pretty
damn good
I landed here anyway.
I was thinking the other day about my greatest failure.
As a pastor, a therapist, a friend, a parent, and a spouse
It is this.
My inability to step out of my own brain and listen well
to others.
Kind of a big handicap for people in the roles I have
been in.
My brain goes 1000 miles a minute. It is like there are 100 TVs in my head.
And they are all on the same channel
My brain is nimble (mostly, still) and creative
And when people start to talk, it goes into hyper gear
And I, instead of listening with patience, knowing that I
might miss something important
If I don’t keep my mouth shut,
Jump in
Over-talking, ending other people’s sentences
I have no patience, because I need to get my thoughts and
MY ideas out there.
To all of you who read this, whom I have talked over the
top of…. Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa
To those who have felt me pushy and arrogant. I am sorry.
Please forgive me
To those whom I have made feel “less.” I am
sorry.
For those who wanted to get close but got tired of
talking to a wall,
Who found me unapproachable. I am sad.
You would think with all my education, training, and
experience I could have done
Better than this.
But, alas
This is my life, for better or worse.
But the God I believe in came and was available
And that God allowed the Empire to kill him
To remind me that out of even death, life can emerge
Out of failure, new beginnings.
I have no illusions.
I am 75. Change will be
hard. Is hard
But this day, and every day
I will try to let the God who wants to fill me with joy,
love, and hope
Do just that
And I will try to calm down
And listen
And shut up
And let God be with me, both in the Holy Spirit
And through the Spirit in the people around me
Who have wonderful wisdom to share and gifts to give.
The alternative is too grim to bear
Amen?
“So this is it ⎯ what cost me all that time. A man
who turned out to be old, a house that turned out to be empty.”
―
Jennifer Egan, A Visit from the Goon Squad
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