Stumbling

W.H. Auden once wrote, "We would rather be ruined than changed.  We would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the present and let our illusions die."

Soon or later, as we walk down the path of life,

We hit a stumbling stone

I have stumbled more than my fair share.

a stumbling block is some event

some hurt

some disappointment

some loss

that you simply can't deal with....

at least not with the resources you have available

her

now

not enough love

or strength

or hope

no tools for doing the job

such moments can freeze us,

cause us to shut down

or anguish us

bringing tears that we simply cannot deny

they can anger us

generating hate, or merely a violence in the soul

this week I have faced

personal loss

I have lived in the shadow of death with people I love

I have seen fear and confusion in the presence of an illness

I have struggled with my own limitations

as a man

a person who is in leadership

a person who wants to be, but so often is not, what he wants to be

I have hard decisions to make

and fears about decisions already made

I am stumbling

and what I want most to do is fall

and stay

there in the dust of the road

I want to quit, and let the tears roll

but is suspect

that this falling

that all the losing, failing, fearing

are part of the process

of growth

they are part of the journey

home

it is when we are lead to the limits of our current game plan

our current resources

and find them to be

not enough

that we reach out and seek

that we become open to

the real source

the deep well

the constantly flowing stream

Lord

Help me to pick myself up

Out of the dust

And drink

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Isa 35:5-7:  Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

6 Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy.

Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.

7 The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs.