new Hearts

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" O Lord, give me a heart I can pour out in thanksgiving.

Give me Life So I can spend it Working for the salvation

of the World. "

Khwaja Abdullah Ansari

____________________________________

 

what drives me?

what are the desires, deep within my heart that move me into action

and shape the way I live?

 

it matters

it matters a lot

 

sometimes there is a foul jumble of feelings and thoughts

there at the center of who I am

controlling

 

patterned, perhaps even practiced thoughts

causing patterned, and often destructive actions

until like poor Paul

I am controlled by things that are not good

 

and my lament rises

I do not understand my own actions.

For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate (Romans 7)

 

greed bubbles up and I am no longer generous

fear oozes out of my soul and I become hateful and protective

anxiety rises and I withdraw

and desire to dominate and control lingers and I become controlling and manipulative

 

ah the sins

that emerge out of a sick heart

even though I believe in love

even though I understand that eventually, love will win

I become less

 

and I spend my energy working for my own salvation

it becomes all about me

 

alas!

this is not abundance

this is not even true power

 

this is a sickness unto death

and I look around me and see this sickness

everywhere

 

and my heart grieves

for those pushing this sickness like a foul drug

for those addicted to it

for those whose minds and hearts are altered by it

 

my heart grieves for the people

and for the beloved country

 

and so I lift my voice to the heavens

in lament and supplication

reaching as best I can for hope

 

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and put a new and right[b] spirit within me.

Do not cast me away from your presence,

and do not take your holy spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and sustain in me a willing spirit.”  (Psalm 51)