“I should be happy, but instead I feel nothing. I feel a
lot of nothing these days. I've cried a few times, but mostly I'm empty, as if
whatever makes me feel and hurt and laugh and love has been surgically removed,
leaving me hollowed out like a shell.”
Jennifer
Niven,
As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for
you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and behold the face of God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while people
say to me continually,
“Where is your God?”
Palm 42
Happy are the pushers, for they get on in the world
Happy are the hard-boiled, for they never let life hurt
them
Happy are those who complain, for they get their own way
in the end
Happy are the blasé, for they never worry about their sin
Happy are the knowledgeable, for they know their way
around
Happy are the troublemakers, for they make people take
notice of them
J.B.
Phillips
___________________________________________________
I am tired
Physically, it can be a challenge
To drag this almost 75-year-old body out of bed
Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
Mentally, I’m tired
The complexities of life, which once were fun to juggle
Now seem to crash down upon me
Spiritually, I am exhausted
Exhausted
In the “Dead Poets Society,” the teacher tells his
students
Don’t use “avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy.
A man is not very tired; he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose.
OK then, I am exhausted and morose.
It is debilitating
The spiritual BS that flows like a stream of foul water
From Erica Kirk and Franklin Graham
From Paula White and JD Vance
And sometimes, I suspect, from me too
Me too
Because I am exhausted and perplexed
And I do not always handle it well
Too often, too often, Lord, I become what I abhor and
protest
Impatient, angry, strident, empty, and confused
But I am tired of the Gospel that is not Gospel
The good news that is truly bad
I am tired of the Christian nation that violates Christ
I am tired of those who have doubled down on arrogance
rather than humility
Power rather than servanthood
Lies rather than the truth
Violence and killing rather than peacemaking and healing
Hate rather than love
I would love to feel as if my soul is watered by flowing
streams
But instead, I am soaked
By salty tears
I do not know how to move out of my perplexity
Out of my sense that everything is going wrong
And there is nothing I can do.
But perhaps perplexity is the point.
Yes, there is nothing I can do
But is there something the Sacred can do?
Sometimes I doubt it.
I have every reason to doubt.
Trump is president.
Netanyahu rages uncontrolled.
My head and heart tell me to quit
To hide
To be silent
Why bother?
Why?
Because
God
Because of the sunrise over the mountain
The smile of a child
The random act of kindness
God lives
Love lives
Goodness Lives
Call it what you will
(if you can’t call it God, call it something else)
But there is something
Dancing in the morning sunlight
Something lingering in my soul
That changes my Lament (at least from time to time)
To praise
I am not naïve
Haters will hate
Innocents will still die
Bad people will still flourish
Good-hearted people will still be led astray
By liars
But I do believe
Even in the midst of my unbelief
That hate will never be
The end of the story
I believe
That someday, the Kingdom will come
And it is my job
Every day, every single day
To live as though it were already here.
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