Dread and peace

Dread is anxiety on steroids.”

                     Emily Nagoski

“I dread to think of a society devoid of love, compassion and humanity.”

                     Suman Pokhrel

_______________________________

 

I have always been anxious

Even as a child, wrapped in the cocoon of affluence,

and nestled in the bosom of a healthy family

 

Even in the relatively secure world of the 50’s and early 60’s

(there was the cold war of course, and atomic bomb drills)

 

Even in the relative isolation of Eastern Oregon

where homogeneity was rampant

and our world was relatively small

 

Even with my fair share of intelligence, and talent

I was anxious and insecure

 

I worry about everything, all the time

And was living on Titralac in grade school

my body carrying my anxiety poorly

 

as a pastor I worried (and worry) about whether I was saying anything useful

and about whether people like and respect me

 

as a mental health director I woke up each morning

worrying about the budget, and funding cuts

and about whether our clinic was truly serving the community

 

so these are difficult times

Covid-19!  I am old enough to be at risk

Racial unrest!  I worry that once again we won’t listen, and once again

Things won’t change

There is so much going on, and we near a significant election

 

And so after restless nights

I wake up each morning

Even on these fine mornings

When the sun shines brightly

And the air is clear

 

And as I get out of bed

I put on dread, along with my clothes

 

There is that sense of heaviness, of discontent

That is so difficult to shake

 

I find myself lurking around the data

Furtively scrolling through the news

 

and feeling my heart ache

and my soul grow heavy

 

I know the platitudes, the comforting phrases

“I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future”

But I do not find them compelling

 

Any quick review of history will show that

there is no clear (it seems to me) sense of true justice

those who do evil flourish, the righteous often perish

 

there is little sense that “God has this”

 

and yet

and yet

 

the words of Isaiah resonate still

in the echo chamber of my heart

 

those that wait upon the Lord

those that wait upon the Lord

those that wait upon the Lord

 

will renew their strength

they will rise up on wings like eagles

they will walk and not grow weary

they will run and not faint

 

the promises are there

 

God has poured love into our hearts …

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Love

Who are called and live by love (my paraphrase of Romans 8)

 

I have no foolproof antidote for dread

No magic bullet

 

All I can do is humbly share the belief

That while I do not see “God” directing history

And while I do see what can only be called “evil” flourish

 

that this Love, this Presence, which is woven into the fabric of my being

has the power

to make a difference

 

in how I think

and how I feel

and how I live

 

God gives me the power the do life a different way

 

And while that may not make much of a dent

In the dynamics that surround me

It matters

 

As Jesus told his disciples, right before he walked out the door to his death

(and resurrection)

 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

 

So we can have peace in our hearts

And we can be peacemakers

 

And I think I can say this too

While dread is contagious

So is peace