Alone

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The desire to be noticed has always been an essential part of the human condition.

          Charlotte Fox Weber

 

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.  Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 

          Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

 

And a second is like it.  You shall love your neighbor as yourself

          Jesus

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I grew up a loner

 

Oh I had a good family, maybe even a great one

Parents who loved me in their own unique ways

Sisters who protected and tolerated

A wonderful small neighborhood nestled in the country

Casual friends at school

 

But I was fundamentally a loner

A loner who loved being alone

Who hated being alone

 

I spent most of my time alone

Reading

Dreaming

Playing games of the imagination

 

Because when I was with people

I struggled

I wanted to be known

I feared being known

 

I wanted to be liked

Included

Valued

Respected

Loved even

 

But being a late bloomer

Skinny little geek

I wasn’t sure that the truly me

Would ever be included, valued

Respected

Love

 

So I tried too hard

And then ran

Because it all felt so clumsy and awkward

I was truly an artificial self

 

The problem was that I had so little self-love

I looked like I had too much self-love

As I promoted myself

Seeking to be found

 

But in truth, I was a cipher

I had “skills”

I was musical, bright, witty

I could draw

And (although I was a good 2 years behind physically) mostly hold my own in sports

 

The problem is, as Jesus and others have pointed out

“Love is not something we give or get;

it is something that we nurture and grow,

a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”  (Brené Brown),

 

And so I was alone

A highly functional dysfunctional

Stumbling through high school, college, and seminary

And a myriad of careers

 

And so I am alone still

Not truly alone

I have people who care about me

People who want to love me

People I want to love

 

But still, a distance remains

Between myself and those who are part of my life

 

My lack of self-love

Has caused no end of grief

It has caused me to seek connection in unhealthy ways

It has caused me to hide my true self

 

Because of my fundamental struggle to be noticed and valued

I have alienated people

I have been rightly and wrongly vilified

I have people who love me, I suspect

People who value me

And people who despise me

 

But it all comes down to not letting love in.

Not trusting enough in God’s love

And my own self-worth

To just “be”

 

I believe that God is love

And I believe that God loves me

I know that if I let that love fill me

I will leak love, and the world will be a better place

And I will not be alone

Never alone

 

I believe

Lord, help my unbelief