it is dark
too dark, too early
there are a plethora of things
"not working"
a today I got a look in the mirror
one of those moments when someone special and honest
laid it on the line
and what i know is that I don't like what I have become
it is not just the age
and the chronic pain
and the mind that no longer remembers appointments
its not just the voice that is no longer clear
or the house, which after 20 years, is showing its age
it is not vendors who don't come through
it is me
it is what those forces that I see as negative
are doing to my soul
I have to admit
A lot of what is going on in American hits me hard
And I am confused and pained by trends I see as
wrong
But those movements I disagree with
those people I find difficult
are winning
they are winning because they change me
they make me fearful
harsh
negative
angry, yes angry
and all of that seeps out of my soul
it is not that i think I am wrong about what values and priorities
we need to hold
it is that I think my response is wrong
There needs to be challenge.
Honesty.
A calling out
But it is the “how”
and i have allowed those things that are problematic
those people I think are problematic
to change me
and make me, fundamentally
the same as them
In all faith I say, we have to fight hate with love
but functionally I slip into hate myself
I lament judgementalism and exclusion
and I get sucked into judgementalism and exclusion
We can overcome
Love can overcome
I believe that
But that will not happen
if we become what we resist
There is plenty of room for mea culpas here
maybe maxima mea culpa
But all one can do is look in the mirror
do some repairs
say, "I was wrong"
and keep walking
trying to be the change
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