I am royally screwed!

I learned it as a child

That prayer so many pray

No, not “now I lay me down to sleep”

Although that too was daily staple

For my young spirit

Which delighted in things known

And familiar

“Thy Kingdom Come”

Really?

Is that what I meant to say?

I am not too sure Lord!

Your Kingdom is kind of scary

I mean with horsemen, and trumpets

And all that dark and violent

Kind of like Game of Thrones on steroids!

One thing I am sure of

If I have to earn my way into your kingdom

I am royally screwed

You love me,

And I love you God

And I know I have the responsibility to respond to your love

Love is a responsible thing

It means I do something

And I avoid others….

But Lord all too often I do the wrong things

And I don’t do the right things

Its almost like there are demons Lord

And they haunt me

They drive me

And so, mixed up, confused

And all too often in messes of my own making

I think of the Kingdom

And it seems

So far away

A place I will never find

A home I will never know

And yet, oh Lord

You are patient

You love me (and there is nothing I can do about that)

And you never give up on me

Never

And you use it all

My success, by strength

But also my failure and my hurt

My fear and my grief

To open my heart to you, and your power, and the Kingdom

Thank you that It is in those moments when I feel I don't belong

and can't fit in

and are no longer worthy of being included

that the kingdom is near  (thanks to Thomas Moore)

Remember, remember

I was thinking the other day about communion.

Not just the ritual

But about the whole concept of communion.

Communion is an amazingly rich word.  Of course there is the concept of “communion” as a sacred meal. When we use the word in the church we tend to go right to that place, and we think about the ritual.  But the word communion has all kinds of meanings – meanings that I think can really help us understand this meal, of which we are about to partake.

Indeed I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that the concept of communion can teach us an incredible amount about the life we as God’s people are called to lead.

So, what is communion?  According to the dictionary:

1. The act or an instance of sharing, as of thoughts or feelings.
2. Religious or spiritual fellowship
3. A fellowship, a close relation [ships] between two or more persons."
4. Intimate, heart-searching introspection.

As I began to think about those definitions, all kinds of things began to run through my head.  And then I started to think about other words related to the concept of communion.  Communication…..  Commune  (OK, I’ll give you a break, just in case you can’t get past Rashneespuram .. think community instead). . . .

The more I thought about the word, the more certain key concepts kept coming into my head.

o   The concept of being “in common”  Being tied together but ideas, values, beliefs… even love

o   The concept of sharing… of sharing ideas, resources, love, concern

o   The concept of depth.  So often communion is used to talk not just about interaction, about deep, profound interaction…. A deep intimate, honest, connection with other people

o   The concept of intimacy… being intimately connected…

So I had all these ideas rolling around in my head… and I wanted to figure out how I could apply these ideas to this meal we Christians call communion.  Because I have to tell you, I’ve always struggled a little bit with communion.  We participate in communion over and over again.  In our church, once a month, in some churches, 4 times a year; in other churches every Sunday, or more!  And frankly I’ve sometimes found it less than inspiring. 

But then there is that word, and it rich meanings….

When in doubt, explore the scriptures.  Kind of like reading the instructions.

One passage that profoundly informs our thinking about communion is the one we heard from Exodus.  There is no doubt that God’s great act of redemption, represented in the Passover meal is tied into another great act of redemption, the cross, the one represented in communion.

Another great passage about communion is I Corinthians, chapter 11… Here is a whole chapter in which Paul was talking to a church….talking to them about communion because they were totally missing the point.

Seems like these folk were getting together, celebrating a meal, an early version of communion -- and it was a disaster.  There was no community, every one was focused on him or her self, seeking approval, notice, spiritual status….”God likes me best!”

And they were grasping - some were grabbing all the food, all the drink (obviously they weren’t drinking grape juice and eating bread cubes), to the point that some were getting drunk and others were being left out….Reminds me of the old camp prayer  “Father and Son and Holy Ghost, who gets here first, gets the most”

So Paul decides it is time for a little lesson on communion.

What I’d like to do is share what jumped out at me.

First key verse….”And when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me." 1 Corinthians 11:24

In remembrance.  Remembrance of what?  Remembrance of Christ.  Of Christ’s life, Christ’s death, Christ’s resurrection.  Of Christ -- who he was -- but more what he had done.  And what had he done?  He had brought forgiveness, hope, power, vision, love -- above all he had brought communion.  On the cross he had destroyed the barriers that exists between people and God.  And people and people.  It was a mighty act.  One we should remember.

But God knows we have a memory problem.  Look at Exodus.  In Exodus the people of Israel had a memory problem.  As things got tough they forgot everything God had done.  All they wanted to do is go back to Egypt.

And so God, when he performs his first mighty action of liberation, an act in which the angel of death “passed over” the people of Israel, gave them a meal, the Passover.  The purpose of the meal?  To remind the all too forgetful people of what he had done.  He says to the people.  Remember… remember what I have done. Remember how the angel of death passed over .

Remember.  Remember, because it is so easy, in the midst of the world, to forget.

Same thing with the Lords Supper.  It is an act of remembrance.  It is a time to remember what god has done!  “What wondrous love God has for us, that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us”.  We remember that in Christ God showed his love in an unmistakable way.  In a way that should leave no questions no doubts….

So what else can we learn about this meal.

A man ought to examine himself before he eats of the bread and drinks of the cup. 1 Corinthians 11:28.  Communion is a time to connect with ourselves.  One of the definitions of communion is that it involves introspection, heart searches.

That’s scary!  But liberating.  It means communion is a time for people to be with God, as they are!!  No masks!  Remember that phrase.  While we were yet sinners!  No pretension, no “trying to show who has God’s approval.”  Nope, at this table we are all sinners… we can be who we are… mistakes, failures, weaknesses… because true communion involves a deep connection, at the level of the heart.

When I was in high school and had finally gotten the keys to the car… and I might say it was quite a car…. 1960 Willy’s Jeep Station wagon…Straight six with 3 on the floor….  When I was in HS with that wonderful freedom that comes from being 16, 17, with wheels, I would start to walk out the door toward my car, ready to go to a dance, be with friends…. And every time I left my mother would say these words… every time.  “Remember who you are”  Now this was meant to be a deterrent, no question.  Remember that you are Dr. Kliewer’s son.  You are a member of this family, and this  family ALWAYS behaves….

Communion is a time to remember who we are. And the great news is that in Christ we are children of God.  In Christ we are forgiven and loved.  In Christ we are new creations.  In Christ we are people set free

OK, I don’t want to go too long, so one more thought… and this is extremely critical.  Paul writes. ”Because there is one loaf, we, who are many, are one body, for we all partake of the one loaf” 1 Corinthians 10:16. 

Communion is about being together.  As those loved and forgiven by God… as those free to be who they really are.  This meal is about God.  But it is also about us… as those who are in God together.  As those who have been loved by God together. As those who can be real, together.

Any time you participate in communion, look around the room… look at the faces.  Every face you look at say,  “Christ died for that person.”  That young person, that older person, that man, that woman, that person who been so wonderful… that person who had made so many mistakes… As you see each face, remember Christ died for that person – and for you.

Communion is not an individualistic matter; it is a body of Christ matter. We commune as a body; we come to the Lord's table as a family. This truth is bound up in the biblical symbol of the one loaf and the one cup

One last important truth

It is not JUST a meal of remembrance.

Because God not only DID something, God DOES something

Yes, when we take communion we believe the sacred is present, and God makes something happen.  God is present --  working, giving us insight, binding us together.  Being truly present and working acts of restoration and love

Touching our hearts

Who Am I?

Who am I?

Really

Often I frankly have no idea!

It would take more than a map (is there such as thing as a spiritual GPS?)

To help me find my way

Someplace close to the truth

There is the self I present to the world

A relatively acceptable self

There is the self I see in my minds eye

What I brazenly think of as my "true" self

And there is little semblance between the two

confident, unsure

knowledgeable, confused

righteous, well lets just say I don't always like myself a lot

Paul and I have a lot in common here,

"wretched man that I am"

and in that abyss, 

that cavernous dark space between what I hope to be 

and what I fear I am

is the real me

I catch glimpses

once in a blue moon

(does the moon every really turn blue?)

 

But most of the time

I am simply trying to prop myself up

I try to help others

but I become so attached to my need to be needed, 

 

I try to be a person people like

but I try too hard

 

and everything turns

and tumbles into the abyss

 

what should have been healthy and good becomes unhealthy

I do things I do not want to do

I lose control

 

and then I slink

fearful through the day

fearing that someone might see

the one I so wish to hide

 

Why do I make it so hard God?

You would love me

and you would define me

if only I would let you

 

I am in there 

somewhere

 

 

 

___________________________________________

 

 Rom 7:21-25
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God — through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Its all about me, not!

It was an amazing morning the other day

the clouds broke

the sun filters through

dappling the forest floor with gold

a treasure scattered across the earth

It was all about me, such generosity from God!

A blessing due, I am sure

It is a miserable morning this day

gray meets gray

and heaven weeps

and all is heavy 

Why me?  What have I done to 

deserve such a

hollow day?

At times I catch myself

like a child with his hand in a cookie jar

holding fast to this 

odd and troublesome belief

that it is all about me

People seem to get better

Someone smiles

faith grows

It is all about me

A tortured mind continues to spew

its wounding thoughts

a person I cared for disappears

a note goes unanswered

the pews are empty

a suicide attempts occurs

and 

it is all about me

Its all arrogance Lord

thinking that the blessings of life are somehow linked

to my presence, my words, my work

But so is thinking that all the things that haunt me

and cause me to believe

that I personally am responsible for all that happens around me

I talk about low self esteem.  But believing it is "all my fault" is an odd sort of arrogance

 Lord, you and I both know it is not all about me

I will do some things right

I will make mistakes

I have strengths

and God, you know, I have my weaknesses

But in the end

all I can do is take one step at a time

do the best that I can do

The rest is really really out of my hands

The rest is really up to you

and grace

and love

Lost in the Desert

In our spiritual lives we are often seeking,

We are searching to get -  someplace

To a place that is richer, more meaningful, than what we have now

To find a connection with God that is somehow deeper, more powerful.

And that is why I like the book of Exodus.  Because I think the Exodus, the journey of the people of God from captivity in Egypt, to that land “flowing with milk and honey”, the promised land, is our story.  It reflects, it mirrors, our spiritual journeys, our journeys through life, in so many ways.

Often the first movement in this journey starts with moment of great turmoil.

Indeed very often the biggest movements in our spiritual lives begin with trauma, with really tough moments.

A tragedy

A failure

An illness

Something happens that shakes our complacency, makes us uncomfortable

We stumble, we fall, we go down… and paradoxically this movement down becomes the key to the way up…

And here is the thing that strikes me.

These moments of falling do something very necessary

They shake our world

And what they do is they force us out of the place where we have come to rest,

And onto the trail, the road

Of if you want to think about it in terms of the Exodus, out of Egypt and into the desert

To put it another way, these moments force us to leave home.

These moments help us realize that what we have, where we are, who we are needs to change.

Why?  It depends I suppose.  Because it is a place that is too limited, or narrow, or rigid?  Because it is not a good place for us?  It could be for many reasons.  Bottom line? The place we are just isn’t where we need to be…

So these moments come that force us to realize that we have to let go of what is and let God move us into the mystery, the unknown….Into the desert.

And this is difficult.  Because many of us are pretty settled.

We are in a place, that spiritually, morally, feels pretty comfortable.  Homey. 

But the problem is that even though the place we are, is not great.  We are comfortable there. 

It has become our place, just as Egypt had become the place of the people of Israel.

And so we are willing to just sit in this place.  And make do.  And frankly, it takes a lot to get us to move from this place of comfort.  We are, all too often, quite stuck.

And therein lies the problem.  Why?  Because God is always calling us to a new thing

One of my favorite passages is Isaiah 43:19:  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Bottom line.  God wants us to go.  We are rooted.  And this doesn’t work when it comes to God’s ‘new thing.  This of these words from Christ.  "No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. 17 Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."   Matt 9:16-17

To go with God sometime we have to let go

Pack up

Move out

Change skins

However you want to think about it.

And we not only have a lot of trouble getting going, we have a lot of trouble continuing to move away from the old place.  I keep thinking about the people of God in the desert

There they are, God has been amazing!!  So many incredible things have happened.

There have been the plagues, and then the Passover

The God took the people through the Red Sea.

Split the waters, and then closed them again

God has acted. 

But it took almost no time at all until the people wanted to do one thing

Go back to Eygpt.  ‘If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt”

Does that sound right?  Is that what we would expect from people who have experienced the power of God the people of Israel have?  And yet there they are. 

It is hard for us isn’t it, to let go of our constructs

Our dreams

Our agendas… priorities

Our fears, our hatreds

Our ideas of morality

But this is what the journey demands.

Jesus calls this losing our life….

To get back to the Exodus story.  Are we willing to leave home, to get home?

Which brings me to the word,  ‘homesick’

In a sense, we are like the Israelites, caught between two homes.  The old place, Egypt, and the new place, the Promised Land.  We are homesick for both.

We are homesick, drawn toward what was (the old legal system of black and white.. The old morality)

We are homesick, drawn toward what can be, will be (where God wants to take us, the promised land)

There we are, wanting to go back, afraid to go forward

Caught in the middle

What are we to do?

So there we are, wanting to go back, afraid to go forward

A little lost and confused….

But we are not left alone in that state.

Enter God.  In the story, in the Exodus, God is represented by the pillar of fire and the pillar of cloud.

When we are on the journey, when we have let go of what has been, the safe, the easy, the comfortable…

we are out on a limb

lost in the desert

and at that point all we have left is God…

And that is exactly the point.

We are in a place where we need God, and God is there.

In the Exodus story, we have the cloud, the fire

However we think of it, we have the presence of the sacred.

A presence, that pulls us along… that makes us “soul drawn”

We dare not try to find our own way, and make our way on our own power.  We can’t use external things (drugs , success)  We can’t stay surface, not even on the surface of holy things like the Bible.  We have to go deep.  We have to go into the mystery, into the wilderness….

And be a little lost.  And a little scared.  And very very dependent

And we will wander at times.  And at times feel like we are going in circles.  And at times go in circles.

But if we leave Egypt, and go with God…

If we are soul drawn….

We will see that new thing.  Find that new place.  Allow God’s amazing spirit to be poured into new wineskins…. And life will never be the same.

The dualistic mind

I was thinking this morning Lord,

about "them"

those people i really don't like

those people who do not believe the way I do

think the way I do

act the way I do

I struggle with those who are different Lord

I like to think I am open and generous

but then my world turns to black and white

right and wrong

good or bad,

Like it or not, I have a dualistic mind

"it compares, it competes, it conflicts, it conspires, it cancels out any contrary evidence,

and

then

it crucifies with impunity". (Rohr)

I don't think Jesus had a dualistic mind.

while I see things as I am, Jesus saw things as they are

 

That is why he didn't bother with adjectives

Conservative?  Liberal

Bad? Good?

Gay! Straight?

Meaningless

Jesus didn't see conservative or liberal people

(and yes, they were fighting that battle in Jesus' time)

he saw people.

He saw a person not a tax collector

A person, not a prostitute

A person not a robber

A person not a Roman

There is a lesson for me here Lord

even as I get angry at those I think guilty of rigid and hateful thinking

I am guilty of rigid and hateful thinking my self

help me Lord to see all I meet

all I disagree with

all whom I agree with

as simply "people

children of God

those created in the image of God

and in whom the spark of the divine 

is alive and well

The Gaze of God

Those eyes

that stare at me so balefully

what do they see?

they are eyes that

see me through the lens

of every fear, every failure
every expectation and hope

they look at me and see me 

not as I am

but as less

and perhaps, at times

as more than I am

they see every flaw

and wrinkle

those eyes in the mirror 

can haunt me sometimes

And what about those other eyes?

The eyes that see me each day

as boss

or pastor

or friend

what do they see

do they mirror me as I am

or is that image too distorted

by their fears, or hopes or expectations?

does anyone see the real me?

 Ah yes!

there are those eyes

that see me perfectly

it is in the gaze of God

that I can find

me

 ____________________________________________________

The gaze of God receives us exactly as we are, without judgment or
distortion, subtraction or addition. Such perfect receiving is what
transforms us. Being totally received as we truly are is what we wait
and long for all of all our lives. All we can do is receive and return
the loving gaze of God every day, and afterwards we will be internally
free and deeply happy at the same time. 

                                                                          Richard Rohr

God works in mysterious ways

The Exodus is truly a journey, and there are some basic things about this journey that can’t be avoided

A first lesson is this.

The way up is often the way down

Think about the first thing that happens when Moses finally gets back to Egypt

Moses and Aaron talk to the people, and they get everyone on the Exodus agenda.

They have the people of Israel behind them,

And then….

He and Aaron go to Pharaoh and say, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the desert.'"   And the Pharaoh says, “well if that is that God want, far be it from me to get in the way…. You’d better get going!!”

Right?  Wrong!

Pharaoh said, "Who is this God, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the Lord and I will not let Israel go."   Moses and Aaron don’t give up, they make a further plea.  In fact they make threats.  “Let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God, or he may strike us with plagues or with the sword."

But still Pharaoh is not impressed.  In fact he is so unimpressed that he makes the life of the people of Israel worse, much worse.   He gave an order to the slave drivers and foremen in charge of the people:  "You are no longer to supply the people with straw for making bricks; let them go and gather their own straw. But require them to make the same number of bricks as before; don't reduce the quota. They are lazy; that is why they are crying out, 'Let us go and sacrifice to our God.' Make the work harder for the men so that they keep working and pay no attention to lies."

Have you ever seen a brick, made the way they made them in Egypt?  Well let me tell what a key ingredient is, what kind of holds the brick together and gives it substance.  Straw. You take away straw, and it is way more work.  You have to have more clay, and the clay cracks.  Frankly it just doesn’t work.

So here we have the great start to the process

The beginning of the Exodus

And it is marked, by failure!

And the people are not happy.  They blame Moses.  They attack him.

Not a good start!

Isn’t it interesting, how often in the Scripture God hints at the fact that movement, growth, change, restoration, so many good things, involve a journey through struggle.  Even failure?

So often what we see in the Bible is not a straight line toward renewal, but a crooked line, often involving loss, that leads to renewal.

It is almost as if we have to lose something, something important, profound, before we can move further in our spiritual lives. 

A job, a fortune, a reputation has to be lost

A death has to be suffered

A disease has to be endured

They may sound weird, but I think the “always blessed” are at a disadvantage.

Because it looks to me as though some kind of falling, what Rohr calls necessary suffering is programmed into the spiritual journey we see presented in the Bible.

Think about Moses, and Aaron.

Would they have been the same leaders?

Would they ultimately have had the same relationship with God,

The same trust in God, and what God could do

A trust they would definitely need, time and time again in the desert,

If they had not had this first moment of loss?

Where they lost their voice?  Lost their influence? When Pharaoh made them look like abject failures?

But we are scared to death of these moments.  We think they are bad.  We think they are evidence that God is not with us, or that we don’t have enough faith.

We work so hard to avoid them.  In fact the spirituality of far too many people is essentially made up of a journey where the main task is to avoid bad things, avoid sin, avoid mistakes at any cost

How far do we get… tip toeing through life, scared to death, looking over our shoulders, spiritually speaking?  If the Israelites had done this, they would never have gotten out of Egypt, and in fact they barely did… for that very reason….It was more comfortable to stay safe, and stuck…

It was clear from the beginning that they, the people, would not be in charge of this journey

They were not going to be able to plan the itinerary

Oh no…. They had no control, they could not engineer their own safe passage…

They fact is, they learned more from the initial failure of Moses and Aaron

Then they would have learned if things had gone well.  If Pharaoh had just let them go.

Moses, when he essentially tried to do it his own way….”all we want to do Pharaoh is just go out for a little 3 day retreat” thought small.  How far a 3 day retreat gotten them?

Learning to trust God and depend on God, they learned to go all the way, to freedom.

They learned more, and grew more, by doing it wrong, than by doing it right

Rohr notes that some people have called this principle of going down to go up a “spirituality of imperfection” or the “way of the wound”.

I like that.  And where it takes me is to those words of Jesus we heard earlier.  Matt 10:34-39

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law— a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Here-in is the mystery of the Christian faith.

When we fall, we are raised

When we die to the old, we find a glorious new

When we fail we discover forgiveness

When we are lost in the dark, the light shines.

Rohr calls this “falling upward.”

What happens is we learn that the path is crooked

And we learn that bad things happen

And we learn we can fail

And we learn that God, in grace and love can turn everything around.

Salvation, being raised to new life, is not sin, or failure perfectly avoided (this is where we with our spiritual egos would like to go)

No salvation is sin and failure turned on its head and used in our favor.

God used the failure of Moses and Aaron

He used the stubbornness of Pharaoh

We would use the whining immaturity of the people of God

All, to get them wonderfully, beautifully, to the Promised Land

To keep them moving

To turn sin and failure on its head

There is only one constant in all of this

God

Present and acting

Through it all, the people of God are never alone.

And God’s primary job description, Jesus’ too, is one of constant renewal of bad deals.

This past week this all kind of hit me, so I wrote this little piece for my blog

I’d like to end with sharing it with you now.

The way up is the way down

It really bugs me God

that life doesn't come with a handbook

I always thought it would have been nice

if you would have given me a little tome

Tips for the Road

I spent so much time trying to do it right

I was taught

by well meaning parents

and well meaning pastors

that this was the way to go

strive

do it right

follow the rules

I learned a spirituality of perfection

and I was miserable

and frankly....

well frankly I became spiritually challenged

But you taught me a big lesson God

somewhere along the way

You taught me that it is OK to strive

and work to do and be my best

but you taught me it is also OK to fail

and forgive

and include imperfection

For God it has been from the depths

that I have been able to reach feebly for the heights

Thank you God for the spirituality of imperfection

For teaching me that I grow spiritually much more

by doing it wrong than by doing it right (thank you Richard Rohr)

it is when I fall apart

and my carefully engineered life collapses

it is in losing, failing, falling, in sin

that I find the mystery of grace

and you

the way down

my God

is often the way up

to grace

Homesick

I met a woman once

I thought she was kind of crazy

she took a picture of your "aura"

and then offered to tell you about yourself

It turns out that my profile could be summed up in one word

homesick

or to put it another way, 

I feel like I am never "at home"

what an awkward place to be

since i have always believed that the goal of any sacred story

is to come back home

is "home" the place I have constructed?

or is "home" something else

perhaps it is becoming what I always dreamed of being

perhaps it is returning to my original myth

but in a deeper day

maybe coming home

is doing it right this time

yet this call

which is both backwards and forwards at the same time

is puzzling to me

perhaps i am called to leave this place

this place I am

which is now home

to find a place that is more real

perhaps I am called to leave this self

that I have so carefully constructed

to "lose my life" as Jesus puts it,

to leave my "false self" in order to find my true self?

But how will I know my 'home' when I find it

and how will i know my true self?

Perhaps all I can say is that I seek

to be the one, who, from the beginning

I was

in the mind and heart of God