Who Am I?

Who am I?

Really

Often I frankly have no idea!

It would take more than a map (is there such as thing as a spiritual GPS?)

To help me find my way

Someplace close to the truth

There is the self I present to the world

A relatively acceptable self

There is the self I see in my minds eye

What I brazenly think of as my "true" self

And there is little semblance between the two

confident, unsure

knowledgeable, confused

righteous, well lets just say I don't always like myself a lot

Paul and I have a lot in common here,

"wretched man that I am"

and in that abyss, 

that cavernous dark space between what I hope to be 

and what I fear I am

is the real me

I catch glimpses

once in a blue moon

(does the moon every really turn blue?)

 

But most of the time

I am simply trying to prop myself up

I try to help others

but I become so attached to my need to be needed, 

 

I try to be a person people like

but I try too hard

 

and everything turns

and tumbles into the abyss

 

what should have been healthy and good becomes unhealthy

I do things I do not want to do

I lose control

 

and then I slink

fearful through the day

fearing that someone might see

the one I so wish to hide

 

Why do I make it so hard God?

You would love me

and you would define me

if only I would let you

 

I am in there 

somewhere

 

 

 

___________________________________________

 

 Rom 7:21-25
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God — through Jesus Christ our Lord!