Disposable

With blurry eyes

I stare at the visage in the steamed mirror

freshly shaven

that dreaded task done (i hate to shave)

the stubble gone

but only partly so

another blade worn down, not worth the keeping

I push the button, ejecting it, and watch it fall

useless into the trashcan

rattling as is makes its way to the bottom

disposable

and then

there I am

falling

into that place where the worn down go,

where those are cast who no longer have use

the disposable

right now 

I feel disposable

as if in so many ways

in so many relationships

I have given what I have to give

given, loved

helped

counseled

ministered

pour myself out

sought to connect

sought to be there for the other

only to find that I am

disposable.

Someone else comes alone

other interests invade

things get difficult....

 

it seems inevitable

at some point I will be expendable

and the other will go,

taking what they have gained, what I have given

and move on

I rejoice in their joy

that they have found what they need 

and can move

into new places, new relationships,

on to new journeys

but sometimes i admit

I feel like that blade, tumbling into the trash can...

I know it may well be me

perhaps my giving is really taking

born out of need

 

so many things can go wrong

and things change

Perhaps I hold too tightly

and it is really time to let go...

but still.....

it is an empty feeling

 

Then I thought Lord

isn't  this what I often do to you?

I turn to you when I am needy

I look to you for your love

and help

comfort and guidance

 

I rejoice in our connection, and

celebrate what you bring to my life

I embrace it,

 

and then comfortable, 

my eye is caught by someone else

something else,

I am off

treating you like a disposable God.

 

At least Lord, you know how I feel!

Forgive me Lord

help me to always value, and celebrate, and hold fast to

you

and your love.