Endings

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

                                                                                                                   ― Ellen Goodman

___________________________________________

My life has been full of  endings

The end of gestation,

Which is really a beginning, sending me squalling early born and small

into the world

“not even good fish bait”, according to an Irish rancher

the end of infancy, as I learned to run on skinny legs

and raced into kindergarten

now on my way

beginnings followed by endings

which were beginnings

and on and on life went

endings after endings

which were beginnings after beginnings

the end of grade school

the beginning of junior high

which came to ignominious end and became the beginning of high school

on and on

college, seminary, first church, second church, third church

no church

disgrace and the death of a journey

but in that death a new beginning

working international disaster relief

teaching at a medical school, international projects in places like Azerbaijan

being the executive director of a mental health program

and now another ending

an ending that began 2 years ago,

and still limps along

an end that began when my board basically said

you are not enough

and “suggested” it was time to step down

and continued for two years as I took on new roles

and tried to stay out of the way of the new  (which by the way is amazing)

Now another step away from what was

Tomorrow a picnic, a “retirement”

A stepping away from the program I worked to build

And into which I put so much of myself, for almost 14 years.

A program where I was at the “center” for so many years

And now am hanging around on the fringe

It feels good to know the program is amazing, and I played a small role in that

It feels a bit sad to know I didn’t quite measure up, ultimately

It is a bit difficult, knowing that my successor, who is amazing

Now “owns” much of what I started

And the final stages of what I began will be her success

Not mine (at least in the eyes of many)

And it feels weird

To now be so “outside” the circle

Of activity, planning, friendship

And to know I will soon be an “after thought”

Yes a new adventure awaits

An new program is there to be birthed

But still

This is big

This ending is perhaps the most profound I have experienced

For over 20 years

And may be the biggest ending before the end

And yet it is time

For a graceful exit

A time to say goodbye

And let it

To let go of what was done

And not done

The failures

And the successes too

To let go of the need to be “important”

And noticed

And just

Walk gently

Into whatever is next

And hope

Perhaps hope against hope

That I will be remembered

And when remembered

That memory

Will bring

A

smile