the gift of not knowing

“The older I grow,

the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”

                                                                        H.L. Mencken

___________________________

I swear

The older I get, the less I know

I thought

That at some point

I would know who I am

What I’m good

I thought I would figure out

Friendship and love

At this point in life

I thought I would be sitting

Content on my porch

At peace with my self

But the older I get

The less sure I am

I did it right

The less sure I have something to offer

The less sure that I even know

What friendship and love are

My kids are doing well

But I doubt very much it’s my fault

and they live rich lives

far away

looking back I realize

I have always been an old soul

Always that odd combination of immature

And ahead of my age

The awkward kid

Gifted and successful

But not quite sure how to fit in

Still awkward

Still not sure how to fit in

Still trying to catch what cannot be caught

Still trying to earn what only comes as a gift

Still striving for that which must simply arrive,

(through openness and quietness, through an invitation of the soul)

Still outside the circle

So I sit on the porch

In an amazing place

Mountain rising, sun setting

Snow white, azure blue

Young buck wandering

Quail skittering

and yet the questions linger.

age has not brought wisdom,

just more questions

and some how,

it seems

that is just the way

it is supposed to be!