Relationships

Relationships

can't live with them

can't live without them

as an introvert I find relationships a challenge

I can be friendly

and articulate about things that matter to me

I can smile

and even attend

and honestly

if we are being honest

I care a lot about people

I will do almost anything for someone I care about

I can't get very invested

even over invested

in another

wanting all the best for them

often behind the scenes I am supporting

protecting

helping

but often I am a stealth friend

because when it comes to

just being with another person?

that is scary

tiring

confusing

and I feel more like

the 13 year old Stephen

a little awkward

ears sticking out

buzz cut

ugly glasses

and lets not forget that back brace

I am an introvert

pure and simple

so I care

and people don't really know 

I think about others

but I often don't let them know

I work for others

and

well

they don't know

 

and then

ah yes, this is the fun part

I find myself frustrated

by the isolation which I myself have created

 

so at work

at church

even at home

certainly in the community

I become a human doing

using what I accomplish as the measure of my existence

and

I long for what I seem to struggle most to build

 

friendship

 

 

Divine Discontent

God like a flea may bite you somewhere

                  Rumi

_________________________________________________________________

the chair is comfortable

the morning

is cool

and misty

sitting on my deck 

my eyes wander

to the vague mountain hidden in the clouds

the coffee is hot

and strong

the birds come and go

singing

deer silently wander through the trees

it would so easy

to 

stay

here 

all 

day

 

but sometimes

you have to move

sometimes we need

divine discontent

Kiss the Joy? or "What me worry?"

this morning I woke

not early

not late

I seem to be a creature of habit lately

and in the dull grey

of an overcast morning

my mind

thought about though things past

things present

but mostly about things future

I thought about this morning

do I get up now

or later

feed the horses early, or wait till its light

and what about worship

what time do I want to drive down to that

quaint place

where our little outpost of the kingdom 

sometimes meets

and what will I do this afternoon?

and so my mind wandered

through the day 

the week

the months

the years ahead

and so I speculated

ruminated

and so plotted and worried

until

I was wound up in the tendrils of 

so many

thoughts 

and so many "what ifs"

that I could barely breathe

and my future

closed in around me

smothering

leaving me feeling empty

hopeless

and in that moment I knew

that it was time to

be

in this moment

in this day

it was time to breathe

it was time to 

smell, and feel and taste

this moment

to live it fully

it was time to 

"kiss the joy" (Blake)

as 

it 

flies

______________________________________________

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

William Blake

The Divine Original

self esteem

how we see ourselves

how we are defined

we have a choice it seems

as to who defines us

Mostly I allow myself to be defined

by those around me

I listen to the voices

oh do I listen to the voices

you are smart

you are an idiot

you are talented

you are really not very good at what you do

you are kind

you are negligent

you are handsome, or not

you are a good person

you are not

so bit by bit

opinion by opinion

voice by voice

we are domesticated

 modified

and we try to pretend to be what we are not

and we are not happy

it doesn't work

to dance someone else's dance

we try to please everyone

but we cannot please ourselves

no wonder Jesus suggested we be more

like children

who are freer and wilder

who spin and dance with abandon

who skip and hope

laugh and

giggle

whose attention in is the moment

who are comfortable

in their own skin

On a 40th reunion

here we gather

 

it has been a long journey

for all of us

 

we have wandered through

this thing called life

and we wear the journey

 

 

no life journey is ultimately easy

along the way

life happens

 

all our gifts and abilities

all our planning cannot protect us from everything

from failure

loss

from wanderings into the wasteland

friends and spouses die

marriages fail

sickness comes

we make mistakes

 

but here we are

not the same

and yet the same

faces that seem not to have changed at all

faces that seem to be merely

a vague memory 

of that young student 40 years past

we are wider, mostly

shorter (yes we do shrink with age)

 

some of us are pretty much what we had planned to be

when we walked away from this special place

so long ago

some of us have wandered far

from those original dreams

 

but here we are

and the bonds forged during those brief years

so many years ago

and the lessons learned

and the wounds endured

in the 40 years since

draw us together into a place

that cannot be described

but only experienced

 

as we greet each other

exchange hugs, and stories

exchange ourselves

and find solace

in each other 

 

reunion

 

A prayer for this day

It is the beginning

black turning to gray

faint shapes 

emerging 

as day dawns

 

an owl hoots

spring birds

returned at last

sing in the darkness

 

this is a new day

I can enter it many ways

tired

fearful

hands gripped tightly

ready to protect and resist and control

 

or I can enter it gently

hands

and mind

and heart

and soul open

 

ready to embrace

the gifts you have to offer

 ready to really see

and hear those you place in my path

ready to feel the breeze

and the warmth of the sun

this day Lord

I am too tired to be tired

too anxious to be anxious

to hopeless

to carry the burden of hopelessness 

on more step

this day

I am going to lay all that down

and walk with the Spirit

and travel light

Help!

Thanks :)

Wow*

______________________________________________

*Thanks of course, to Anne Lamott for

her wonderful little book

What is important?

"Beneath the many choices we have to make, love like water, flows back into 

the world through us.  It is the one great secret available to all"

Mark Nepo. "The Book of Awakening"   p. 136

_____________________________________________________

water

flowing, bubbling

penetrating

invasive

nourishing, life giving

once loose

water rushes

rolls

it covers all

it finds any little space

and fills it

moves through it

once loose

it is an irresistible power

a tsunami

like force

so too love

love should not

can not 

must not

be hugged to ourselves

hidden

contained

The Sacred

who is Love insists that 

what is important

is for us to loosen our hearts

and cover our world

with love

To allow the penetrating

power to flow

to fill the wounds

to soothe the raw spaces 

 we are

Love's conduits

this is what is important

When Good Religions go BAD

Those Muslims!

They are all hateful 

They are killers

They are evil

 

so the voices cry out

 

Those Christians!

They are hateful

They oppress and judge people

they are killers

 

so the voices cry out

 

how do great faiths

become

the sources

of judgmentalism

anger

hate

and yes, death

 

It seems that the hateful visages we see on TV

the hateful and 

deadly actions come from those

who think it is all about them

 

they must protect the faith

they must keep others in line

they must be the keepers of the TRUTH

(whatever that is)

they must be 

yes

warriors for God

their God

the one they have created in their own image

 

 

 if I understand anything

about God

not saying that I understand much

but if I understand anything about 

the Sacred 

the Divine

it is that God

is self sufficient

to be spiritual

to follow God

is not to take things into our own hands

it is not

no it is not

to decide what is right and what is wrong

who is in and who is out

on our own

and then live hate

legislate hate

share hate

to be spiritual is to go deep into our self

to that deepest place where

the sacred dwells

and listen carefully

to the voice of the divine

to feel the stirring of the Spirit

and grab hold of

however tenuously 

what it is God wants

and has

in love begun to do

and "second the motion!"  (Rohr)

___________________________________________

We are always and forever the conduits, the instruments,

the tuning forks, the receiver stations (Romans8:22-27).  We slowly learn

the right frequencies that pick up the signal.

The core task of all spirituality is to teach us to "cooperate' with what 

God wants to do and has already begun to do (Romans 8:28).  

In fact nothing good could even enter our minds unless the previous moment God

had not already 'moved' within us.   We are always and forever  Merely seconding the motion.

Richard Rohr, "The Naked Now"  p.23

The Power of God's Love

slowly dawn breaks

the meteor laden night

vanquished

the world emerges

as 

light slashes through the trees

razor edged

 

sharp and insistent

revealing fresh snow

defining the trees

drawing forth

color out of grayness

 

ah the power of light

which shreds the darkness

so too

 

the power of 

God's 

love

 

as it penetrates 

the sometimes dark reaches

of our souls

Where is God

I am a man of constant sorrows

some times I feel like I

resemble that remark

and I would guess that I am not alone in my affliction

the pain of the world

is just too hard to get away from

it shouts at us from our televisions

as we see pictures of mangled limbs

and anguished parents

as we hear the wails of villagers in

Afghanistan

where a wedding became a funeral 

and watch the deadly chaos of Syria

But often pain is closer to home

we see it

all around

as people struggle with cancer

as young children get diabetes

as young women are raped and humiliated

and die at their own hand

we see it in poverty

and addiction

in mental illness

and emotional chaos

we see it in bad choices made

and consequences endured

sometimes in our pain

we cry

 "Where is God!"

Our minds race

to a myriad of questions?

Is there a God, a Sacred, a Something Greater

at all

at all?

Does that "something" engage with this reality

at all?

Does this power care?

Is that power out there, or in here?

Is the sacred merely a spectator?

call it faith

call it naivety

call it supidity

for me the only answer that works

the answer I come to

when I look long enough at the cross

is this 

God is here!

right here

in the midst of the pain

feeling it

participating in it 

going through it with me

making it bearable

not taking it away

but reminding me

that in the midst of it

I have all that I need.

It is within me

Spirit

yes

God

God's other name

Was thinking today

about two men

almost boys

who grew up in chaos and violence

created chaos and violence

and may well die, in chaos and violence

having worked in the Caucasus

I felt no surprise

 

indeed my first thought

was

the culture of violence in Chechnya

created these men

shaped them 

formed them

 

as inexorably as here in our country

family dynamics

ineffective parenting

cultures of hate

and prejudice

anger and violence

shape some of our young men and women

 

doom them?

 

ah this is the question that haunts me

 

can we escape our paths?

can we move away from

bad programming?

 

Someone once said

God's other name is surprise

 

surprise

out of death life

surprise

out of hate..... love?

 

out of chaos..... peace?

can lives battered by places of hate

and violence

by ideologies of hate and violence

be redeemed?

I struggle to say yes

but I cannot bear the idea 

of 

no

God, rescue us

rescue all your broken children

On the other side of the cloud

the bud in half bloom

outwaits the cloud

             Mark Nepo

___________________________________________________________

some days

there is a cloud around my heart

a deep ache

a dullness

I think of children dead

of lives shattered

by acts of hate

by people damaged by 

ideologies that nurture

distain

and anger

I see the pictures on the news

read the comments on articles

listen to

the fear soaked

rants of people who trust only in guns

I think of those who have fed that fear

those who lie

or manipulate facts

to perpetuate a culture

where bright young lives are cut short

and women are oppressed

and young girls are molested and victimized

and in despair die

and the cloud descends

and yet, if I give into that heaviness

if I let the cloud

make me believe that I there is no light

no love

no hope

then I become

like those fearful, hateful, power hungry ones

who seem

at times

to have won the day

on the other side of the cloud

the sun shines fiecely

on the other side of hate, love

on the other side of fear, compassion

on the other side of death, life

on the other side of the cross

resurrection

"no cloud lasts forever

the earth knows this well, and all that grows from it

so does the heart

and everything that grows from it" (Nepo)

________________________________________________________

 

Thanks to Mark Nepo and is wonderful "Book of Awakening"  

Short thoughts and meditations that

help me start my day

 

Highly recommend

 

The necessity of Sorrow

It is not possible 

to complete yourself without sorrow

Sorrow is a vital ingredient that shapes the heart 

and enriches it (Hafiz)

________________________________________________

fresh snow

sunlight shining through the trees

makes me happy

so does a smile of greeting

on a beloveds face

or the nudge of a cat's nose

the nicker of a horse

as it walks across the pasture to greet me

so does the grandeur of the mountain

the freshness of rural air

on an early spring morn

these thing enrich my life

and bring me closer to God

and to myself

as well

but so too does sorrow

the sorrow of failure

of things said and done that have

pushed me

off the path and into

the wilderness of confusion and despair

so too relationship

fractured and shredded

by my own foolishness

so too the sorrow 

of the hatred and anger

the fear

seen in acts and words of violence

that hideous violence

of bomb

and the equally hideous 

violence

of people on the internet

spewing

their blind anger

 

 life is joy and sorrow

peace and violence

order and chaos

as am I

 

in sorrow I am watered

and plant myself firmly in the sacred

and in joy

I blossom

and emerge

and become

 

a tree, planted by the water

(Psalm 1:3)

thoughts on the Boston bombing

sunny skies

dreams fulfilled

arms raised in triumphed

loved ones greeting

kissing

and then

hate

personified

blood

legs gone

children dead

terror

and in the shadows 

of the shadow

hateful voices 

alex jones

pointing the finger at our government

many

screaming out Muslims

others suggesting

that the radical right found a new way 

to celebrate patriot day

each word of hate

conspiracy intolerance

feeding the fury

and the hate

each word
a new act of terrorism

making it ever more certain

that more children will die

more people will be maimed

more will weep

many years ago a man faced

these same forces of evil

there was blood

there was a broken body

and there were the

words of the man

Father forgive them

and there was the voice of God

hate

and violence

ends

here!

love is the only
to

win

The Soul is Drowning

sometimes

it 

feels

like the soul is drowning

as if my whole being

is flooded

with 

thoughts

and feelings

fears and hopes

  

how do I regain

the wonder of life?

how do I keep my heart from sinking?

there is that place

deep within

that clear and honest place

which hears the

deepest cry

there is that place

deeper still

where God is

that place where

we understand and accept

and are healed

where the 

soul

finds

rest

The Immortal Self

And now
for the emotional weather report
cloudy with chance of storm
perhaps a tornado or two
perhaps
even a hurricane

sometimes
emotionally
I become a mess

at the center of the storm
the eye
a sudden low

powered by negative
self-centeredness

the most powerful kind of self-centeredness
is not greed or arrogance

it is insecurity
self depreciation
it is focusing on yourself
and blaming yourself
for
everything

its being overwhelmed with what you have not done
or what you have done
or what you should have done
or should have been

in that place
things are dark
stormy
and we feel separated
and utterly alone

everything that comes our way
is a sign
of impending doom
a indicator
that worse is yet to come


but somewhere
underneath it all
is the immortal self
the self that is created by God
touched by God
inhabited by God
perhaps is God (the Spirit)


somewhere deep inside
is a sacred center
 a place
where we can find God
and yes
find ourselves
and find ourselves as connected to others


and in that place we can find our feet
once again on solid ground
we can find shelter from the storm
we can find
peace

____________________________________________________

peace

The Soft Heart

Tilled ground the soft heart

and words like these the seeds

and words like these the water,

and words like these a sun

                                        Hafiz

________________________________________________________

spring comes

and spring goes

one day the promise of green

the next

white and gray

with wind and snow

the ground is hard

still frozen

from the travails of winter

nothing can penetrate

not even 

the life giving water of spring

so the seeds

hiding beneath the surface

the blooms that will brighten the world

are held

tightly 

as by a vice

by dry frozen hardness

ah for soft earth

where the gifts from heaven can enter in

and the promise

of life and joy can emerge

ah 

for a soft heart

The Spiritual Life

The spiritual life is about becoming more

at home 

in your own skin

                                             Parker J Palmer

Anything that removes what grows between our hearts 

and the day

is spiritual

                                         Mark Nepo 

__________________________________________________________

Good grief

there is so much to do!

I have to work on my sermon, and do the bulletin, and call the community 

center, and look at the budget, and prepare the worship for

Presbytery, and work up a little meditation time for Presbytery, and check in with

that shut-in couple, and call "the State", and do the implementation plan

and feed the cats and clean the pasture, and deal with that upset

community member and, oops,we never did get that strategic plan done,

and that medical record system is still screwed up and

and 

and

and

and

And I am wondering about how my sister is doing, darn, I forgot to call

and then there is that issue when I got upset with my staff,

downright cranky I was!  I wonder if any of my staff even like me?  I remember when 

I really goofed up with a staff so many years ago.  And what about the church people.

I way too busy and I am sure I never give them quite enough time

but even more, perhaps, not quite enough of myself. 

and

and 

and

At times I wonder about myself.  Why is it that I still can't feel good about myself.

Why do I have so much on my mind?  Why do I feel so insecure? Why do I

feel like I have to protect myself and can't be as open as I want?

Why am I not the person I want to be?

I wonder what people say about me?  I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

I wonder

"Oh!  Hi!"

How long have you been standing there?

You have been waiting

to talk

to connect

and there was so much between my heart

and you

and I did not

see

Isn't it odd

Isn't it odd
God
How we spend so much time with ourselves
And know ourselves so little

I sit in the terminal
Waiting for a departure
That seems like it may never come

Watching
People walk by
I know so little about them.
Where they are from. Where they are going.
What joys and hurts
Lurk within them
What fears and hopes live
At the core

Perhaps he is headed to bury his mother
Perhaps she is headed home
From bleak hotel rooms
To the warmth of a man who
Loves her
And children eager for her return
Perhaps
Perhaps

And then I think of lessons learned
Of revelations that come
Sometimes in ways that exite and bless
Sometimes in ways painful and scary
And I realize that I am often a stranger to myself
Until I see myself clearly in the words of another
Or meet myself
In what I am doings
Or saying

It takes time
And friends
Perhaps those who are not friends
It takes fellow workers and fellow seekers
To help us begin to learn
Who this person is

Today I know myself better than I did
I like some of what I have learned
And some I hate
But it is
There is work to do.
And things to celebrate

end of the row

Its a room that seat 1000 people

there are a hundred people

early

making sure

they get a place they like

every 

single

one

is

seated on the end of a row

everyone who comes in after

will have to crawl over them

to fill in the 

middle

that person could be me

easily

what is it about us

that in a desire

to find our place

to get what we need

we

sit on the end of the row

we block others

from getting what they want

what they need?

It is a wonder

God has 

any hair

left

Its Vegas, baby!

There are people everywhere

walking 

sitting

talking 

dancing

staggering

gazing at the fountains

staring at the artificial opulence

some with wonderment

some with skepticism

etched on their faces

there are wide people

thin people

clean people

dirty people

people with clothes

people who don't have much left to disclose

some are sober

and sane

some?

well let' just say the jury is out

some seem happy

joyful even

some in love

some in lust

some have faces that are alight

with life

others have faces that 

seem to  reflect

a profound sort of deadness

as this sea of humanity flows through

the palaces of glass

I try to look at them

with eyes

that see the spark of the divine

in each one

somewhere in there

God lives

and rules

somewhere in even the most shattered of vessels

God loves

each of these person is a divine original

and each of them is seen

through the eyes of God

as a prince

or princess

as a precious child

as part of that in which we all participate

may they be respected

and treated kindly and blessed

those dancing women

those laughing men

those silent ones

asleep on the side walk

those bleary ones

staggering to what every is next

those hopeful 

happy ones

each one of them

is part of God

and part of me

Vegas

here I am
in Vegas
baby

sitting on the roof of my hotel
watching people in the pool
at the bar

shit
its weird

this is not rural Oregon
where people are so well known
they have no choice
but to be who they are

this is Vegas, baby
where the clothes are few
the drinks are many
and people are trying to be

well
I am not sure

walking down the sidewalks
it feels
artificial
like no one
is real.... just a made of version of themselves

I have to admit
I couldn't live here

give me Mt Joseph
and Sadie
and tiger Lilly
Tres
Lady

and 38 degrees and raining
any
day
 

When was the last time you sang?

When was the last time time you sang?

Question put to the sick by a Native American Medicine Man

Quoted by Mark Nepo in the Book of Awakening

_________________________

When was the last time you sang?

not a hymn

or a song for a chorale

or choir

but sang

joyously, freely

just for the hell of it

because your soul was so full

of the joy of the Sacred

that you could not be silent?

When was the last time you laughed?

laughed at the absurdity of life

laughed for no reason

laughed until the tears ran down you face

and you snorted

ungracefully?

when was the last time you gave voice

to whatever was deep within you

when did you cry 

from

the 

heart?

there is healing

in that giving voice

in the laughter

the song

the cry

the whisper

so

sing

even if it feels

that no one hears

for no song

no cry

no laugh

goes unheard

Let it rain

In the early dawn
with sky steely blue
and trees
still black

I walk in the rain

It is a different world after the rain

the rain spatters against
the trees and rocks
and makes
wonderful patterns of sound
against the fall leaves
still comforting the earth

its is like a gentle massage of
ear
and soul

the earth smells
richer
deeper
and fresher

rocks and branches
gleam
freshly washed of the dust

the earth gives
underneath my feet
opening to me and taking me in

I may grumble at times
when it rains
for I usually prefer the sunny days
when colors abound
and one can see forever

but sometimes
these wet days
of darkness and clouds
and rain
where I can only peer into the mist
and remember what is beyond

bring freshness to both the earth
and my soul

Let it rain

No need to speak

Live loud enough in your heart

and there is no need to speak

                 Mark Nepo

____________________________________________________

I like to read

I like to learn

I like to share what I have learned

why?

ideally it is because I think what I have to say

will help the other

this person in front of me

who has come

hurting

in some way deep 

and perhaps unfathomable

even to them

they often know as little about

their inner hurt as I do

but there they are

and too often

I talk

words flowing out of me

why?

who am I talking to really?

why am I talking?

to teach?

to impress?

do i believe that if I do not 

keep putting myself out there

i will be irrelevant?

ignored?

alone?

 

but of course I have i backwards

I need to be porous

and let others pour in

more than I need to pour out

 

I am a healer

as 

I listen

 

as I let others discover themselves

and their hearts

as I let others find their voice

and pour the gifts of their 

journey

their hurt

their discoveries

into my open and soft heart

 

where they may rest

safely

Who can forgive?

Who can fully renounce a day?  Who can conceive of forgiving a whole life,

granting all in it pardon?  (Hafiz)

________________________________________________________

God

Oh God you are the one

who sees us perfectly

who sees us as we really are

you know our days

our hours

our weeks

our years

you know our lives

looking back along our life

journey

must bring you to tears

for the hurt we have created

the mistakes we have made

the ways we have

violated

love

and yet

you came

your entered with us into

the depths of humanity

experienced us at our worst

 

you descended to earth

to the depths of sheol

only

to ascend

rising to that place

where you

see us fully

and wonderfully forgive

and love

Who can conceive of forgiving a whole life, granting all in it pardon?

 

The risen Christ

and so 

Easter

continues

Resurrection Day

Wine is like the Lord Jesus, it can bring 

the dead to life (Hafiz)

__________________________________________________

it is a thankless task

rooting around in my flower beds

early spring

here high in the mountains

there are few signs

that my yard

will once again

find resurrection

all looks brown

and dead

deer eaten

and ragged

and yet the power

of God

to bring the dead back to life

dead plants

dead hope

dead hearts

dead souls

 

is ever evident

Easter is not the only resurrection day

 

my soul

my heart

finds new life

in the beauty of the sunrise

the beauty of my grandaughter

the gentle nudge of a friendly mare

the warmth of the sun on my shoulders

the warm embrace of a friend

 

Every day

is 

resurrection day