Be a man!
Good people are strong!
Never let them see you sweat!
It is not OK to be needy!
The voices in my head are clear
They are the voices of my culture
My father
Perhaps they are voices I have made up
But they are there
It is ok to be a care giver
It is OK to offer advice
It is OK to be the one who helps and rescues
It is OK to be the person with the answers
and who has it all together
But.....
It is NOT OK to be needy.
And yet
People need each other
People need God
OK
I will dare to say it
outloud
where everyone can hear...
"I need other people"
"I need you"
I have lived my life as
the pastor,
the boss
the therapist
To the world I have presented a self that is
strong, competent
together
calm
a self contained universe
and yet inside
I have been fearful and lonely
a lost little boy
It has always been this way
since I was very young
Dr. Kliewer's son
The brainy little nerd
with the crew cut and black glasses
the skinny late bloomer in the back brace
I wanted other people
I needed them
but early forays into the world of other people
taught me that one could get rejected
and laughed at
one could be the kid who was not picked for the little
league team
The last one chosen at recess
The one excluded, hanging around the edges
Hearing about parties to which one was rarely invited
So I became the one who was "together"
smart, strong......
witty,
and isolated
Oh it leaked out once in a while
that loneliness, that fear
that dreaded need
It leaked out as I tried too hard to impress
As I tried to hard too prove that yes, a girl or woman might
like me
that i might be able to be "one of the guys'
that anyone might like me..
Me....
As I became a success-a-holic
It leaks out still
and some see and understand
some see and misunderstand
It doesn't work
One cannot be an isolated universe
One cannot make it alone
We need God,
We need each other
It is often when we come together in need
In hurt
In fear
That we actually find each other
That we finally find love
and that makes need sacred
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