Thinking out loud
I sit here on a Sunday afternoon
An over 60’s man
Who has seen a lot
Done a lot
Accomplished a lot
I have a resume that would choke
Jabba the Hut
I have two masters
A doctorate
I have published two books
And have been
Variously
A minister
A fund raiser
An EMT
A person working in international disaster relief
An executive director of a non-profit
A therapist
But today as I sit here
I feel like I am in the desert
I am intrigued with desert symbolism
Charles Cummings, Trappist monk reflected on that symbolism
this way: "The physical desert, with its appearance of unlimited
godforsaken emptiness, is a symbol of the human experience of the absence of
God in our life, and the feeling of being abandoned by him and left to our own
resources . . . . In the spiritual life, a desert experience is the feeling of
inner emptiness that comes from being somehow cut off from the divine presence
that is our deepest satisfaction and fulfillment. The desert is not a place where we can expect
to dwell secure. It is a place in which to wander.
The desert is where you are alone
And perhaps, cut off
Abandoned
On this winters afternoon I am thinking out loud
About why I feel
Like one trudging through deep sand
In the emptiness of the desert
Why I feel essentially alone
I took an amazing walk
And fortunately God walked with me
But as I walked I reflected on my human connections
And the sand began to shift
In the wind
At work I may be appreciated, perhaps even valued
But there is also this sense
Of being alone
My sisters rarely connect with me (and I admittedly don’t
do any better back)
But brothers and sisters should feel connected
shouldn't they
Nephew and Nieces tolerate me, and are kind
But I feel like I could disappear
And they would not notice
My children I love.
But their mother makes me look like
A stranger, outside looking in
With her amazing efforts to engage
At church
In the community
I feel like a pool ball
Bouncing around the table
Casually bumping in to people
Glancing off
Sometimes having a little impact
But then moving on my way
I have been reading recently posts by high school friends
Stories of shared experiences
I remember watching from the sidelines of life
As my classmates, connected, played
Related
Were
Friends
And I was an observer
The resume
The jobs
The accomplishments
The degrees
Do not mean much
If you are alone
And so I am thinking out loud
About what it is
I can think about this a lot
And conjecture
Perhaps I am too busy
(yes, I am too busy)
And so don’t have time, or don’t seem to have time
Perhaps that old friend, not feeling like I am enough
Has me trying too hard
Trying to impress, trying to connect
And coming across arrogant, or selfish,
Coming across desperate
Or needy
Coming across as if I want something more
Than to just find a friend
We do use each other
It is a viable concern
Perhaps I am so tired
That I have nothing left to give
So all my attempts to give to others
Comes across as counterfeit, empty, shallow
Perhaps I really am not enough
At some basic level
Flawed
Incapable of connection
Perhaps I am so protective of my self
So trained to be “strong” and “perfect” (or close too)
That I have put up an impenetrable barrier
But it would be so nice
To have people to walk with
To have a drink with
Or dinner
To watch a game
To just talk and be
It would be so nice to feel as if
For somebody, somewhere
I was important
Really important
Important enough to write
To call
To invite to be in a fantasy football league
Or go fishing
Important enough to make a priority
Not because of what I can do
But just
Because
I know God loves me
Sometimes I even feel that
But I have never had
From the beginning of time
A person for whom
I was their best friend
There has been the moments of connection
Times I have reached out
Times where, for a moment I thought
Maybe….
But
No
you would think
A 60 year
Minister, counselor, director
You would think this person who has wandered the world
And done what I have done
Could figure it out
But right now I am just here
Alone
Thinking out loud
