Thinking Outloud

Thinking out loud

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon

An over 60’s man

Who has seen a lot

Done a lot

Accomplished a lot

I have a resume that would choke

Jabba the Hut

I have two masters

A doctorate

I have published two books

And have been

Variously

A minister

A fund raiser

An EMT

A person working in international disaster relief

An executive director of a non-profit

A therapist

But today as I sit here

I feel like I am in the desert

I am intrigued with desert symbolism

Charles Cummings, Trappist monk reflected on that symbolism this way: "The physical desert, with its appearance of unlimited godforsaken emptiness, is a symbol of the human experience of the absence of God in our life, and the feeling of being abandoned by him and left to our own resources . . . . In the spiritual life, a desert experience is the feeling of inner emptiness that comes from being somehow cut off from the divine presence that is our deepest satisfaction and fulfillment.  The desert is not a place where we can expect to dwell secure. It is a place in which to wander.

The desert is where you are alone

And perhaps, cut off

Abandoned

On this winters afternoon I am thinking out loud

About why I feel

Like one trudging through deep sand

In the emptiness of the desert

Why I feel essentially alone

I took an amazing walk

And fortunately God walked with me

But as I walked I reflected on my human connections

And the sand began to shift

In the wind

At work I may be appreciated, perhaps even valued

But there is also this sense

Of being alone

My sisters rarely connect with me (and I admittedly don’t do any better back)

But brothers and sisters should feel connected

shouldn't they

Nephew and Nieces tolerate me, and are kind

But I feel like I could disappear

And they would not notice

My children I love.  But their mother makes me look like

A stranger, outside looking in

With her amazing efforts to engage

At church

In the community

I feel like a pool ball

Bouncing around the table

Casually bumping in to people

Glancing off

Sometimes having a little impact

But then moving on my way

I have been reading recently posts by high school friends

Stories of shared experiences

I remember watching from the sidelines of life

As my classmates, connected, played

Related

Were

Friends

And I was an observer

The resume

The jobs

The accomplishments

The degrees

Do not mean much

If you are alone

And so I am thinking out loud

About what it is

I can think about this a lot

And conjecture

Perhaps I am too busy

(yes, I am too busy)

And so don’t have time, or don’t seem to have time

Perhaps that old friend, not feeling like I am enough

Has me trying too hard

Trying to impress, trying to connect

And coming across arrogant, or selfish,

Coming across desperate

Or needy

Coming across as if I want something more

Than to just find a friend

We do use each other

It is a viable concern

Perhaps I am so tired

That I have nothing left to give

So all my attempts to give to others

Comes across as counterfeit, empty, shallow

Perhaps I really am not enough

At some basic level

Flawed

Incapable of connection

Perhaps I am so protective of my self

So trained to be “strong” and “perfect” (or close too)

That I have put up an impenetrable barrier

But it would be so nice

To have people to walk with

To have a drink with

Or dinner

To watch a game

To just talk and be

It would be so nice to feel as if

For somebody, somewhere

I was important

Really important

Important enough to write

To call

To invite to be in a fantasy football league

Or go fishing

Important enough to make a priority

Not because of what I can do

But just

Because

I know God loves me

Sometimes I even feel that

But I have never had

From the beginning of time

A person for whom

I was their best friend

There has been the moments of connection

Times I have reached out

Times where, for a moment I thought

Maybe….

But

No

you would think

A 60 year

Minister, counselor, director

You would think this person who has wandered the world

And done what I have done

Could figure it out

But right now I am just here

Alone

Thinking out loud