Prophet or Pastor

“All men are Prophets or else God does not exist.”

― Jean-Paul Sartre

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It is tough to be a pastor these day

It doesn’t help that

I never wanted to be a minister

I’ve always gotten a little itch when I am  that role

Like I am slightly allergic to the task

One should only be a pastor if they have not choice

Really I mean it.

I don’t often see myself as a pastor

In my minds eye I just don’t fit the mold

Too impulsive, rebellious, outspoken, sexual, impulsive, needy, crazy (yes really) undisciplined

Not to mention slightly addictive

Don’t put a bag of chips near me, It will not survive.

I will eat it all, all six helpings!

I have no shame

But beyond all that, it is difficult being pastor

Because if keep getting pulled into the role of being a prophet

It would be nice to just pastor.

To visit, to comfort, to tell people nice uplifting things

To leave the comfortable, comfortable

It would be nice to just listen

And love

But sadly I cannot just relax into the sacred

I see so much wrong

I see the multitude of ways we oppress and repress

I see the hate and the greed

I see us ignoring the priorities of Jesus

I see us calling good evil and evil good (gaslighting)

I wander through the prophets and look at the beatitudes and I know

I know

We are so far off

And I feel driven to speak up

And speak out

And challenge

And question

And I wonder sometimes

Can I be both pastor and prophet

Can I offer comfort for the hurting

Support for the confused

Can I lift people up when I suspect

They (and I) needs so badly to be challenged

And perhaps

Even rebuked

I suspect I am more prophet than pastor

But I want to be more pastor than prophet

I make my resolutions

To keep quiet about touchy subjects

I promise myself I won’t challenge

But I cannot be quiet

I seem driven

I hope it is God
I fear it is not

I want to be a catalyst for change

I want people to like me

I want the church to grow

I want the church to be true

But if I speak what I see to be the truth?

Ouch

If I really dwell on the touchy stuff

I see things in people I don’t want to see

Lord, I want to be liked

I want to make people feel good

I want to hear “good sermon”

I want so much

What do you want!?

Ah you want me to be true to the gospel

To preach it as you bring it to me

Left foot, right foot,

Left foot breathe

What if they don’t like me

What if it makes my church smaller

WHAT IF I’m WRONG?

Oh Sacred one, forgive me if I’m wrong

Its always an option

But always lead me onward

Filling my heart, my mind with you

Filing my mouth with words that do what they must do

Challenge or uplift

Express love

Offer hope

Help me be what you need me to be