And so I wait

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”

                      Friedrich Nietzsche

“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in

 the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”

                      Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.”

                      Bob Dylan

“I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the

 same thing at the same time.”

                      Neil Gaiman

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Sometimes I am in the eye of the storm

Sometimes I am not

Sometimes, I am gone with the wind

Driven, whirled, tumbled, impelled

Helplessly carried by the urgent

the evolving

they say it is out of chaos

that amazing, wonderful newness comes

but I am not so sure

it feels at times as if I am unraveling

becoming so fragmented that the pieces may never reunite

it is partially all there is to do

sermons to write

a Presbytery to administer

people to visit

classes to teach

curriculums to revise

it is partially the storm within my brain

the fears

the memories of failure

those little bursts of PTSD that leave one sometimes shaken

and sometimes ashamed,

and sometimes hopeless

it is partially a slowing body

and a slowing brain

it is too many things forgotten

too many balls dropped

too many conflicts

too many dreams just out of reach

too many ideas I can simply not implement

I feel like I am herding a million cats

And all the cats

Are facets of myself

And so I strive and strive

And plan and plan

And hope and hope

And I look down searching for the breadcrumbs of God

To lead me forward

But the trail disappears

Into the forest of confusion

as time

and people

and politicians (who might be people but…)

and circumstances

and demands

roll in like fog

and so I stand

and breathe

and wait

and wait

I wait upon the Lord

to renew my strength

to help me soar (on wings like eagles)

run and not grow weary,

to walk and not be faint.

I wait

And hope