I am a wanderer. I would say that I am a seeker, but sometimes I have no idea what I might be seeking, so I will stick with wanderer. This blog is more a public journal than anything. I don't claim to have life figured out. I simply stumble from mystery to mystery, and share my reflections along the way. Sometimes I feel burdened, and trudge. Sometimes? Well sometimes grace breaks through, and its time to dance.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
And so I wait
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing
star.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
“I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a
tornado must feel, moving dully along in
the middle of the
surrounding hullabaloo.”
Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
“I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.”
Bob Dylan
“I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God,
convince a thousand cats to do the
same thing at the
same time.”
Neil Gaiman
____________________________________
Sometimes I am in the eye of the storm
Sometimes I am not
Sometimes, I am gone with the wind
Driven, whirled, tumbled, impelled
Helplessly carried by the urgent
the evolving
they say it is out of chaos
that amazing, wonderful newness comes
but I am not so sure
it feels at times as if I am unraveling
becoming so fragmented that the pieces may never reunite
it is partially all there is to do
sermons to write
a Presbytery to administer
people to visit
classes to teach
curriculums to revise
it is partially the storm within my brain
the fears
the memories of failure
those little bursts of PTSD that leave one sometimes
shaken
and sometimes ashamed,
and sometimes hopeless
it is partially a slowing body
and a slowing brain
it is too many things forgotten
too many balls dropped
too many conflicts
too many dreams just out of reach
too many ideas I can simply not implement
I feel like I am herding a million cats
And all the cats
Are facets of myself
And so I strive and strive
And plan and plan
And hope and hope
And I look down searching for the breadcrumbs of God
To lead me forward
But the trail disappears
Into the forest of confusion
as time
and people
and politicians (who might be people but…)
and circumstances
and demands
roll in like fog
and so I stand
and breathe
and wait
and wait
I wait upon the Lord
to renew my strength
to help me soar (on wings like eagles)
run and not grow weary,
to walk and not be faint.
I wait
And hope
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