No Part Left Out

I cannot 

she said

bent in the chair

a question mark in the flesh

do this 'stupid affirmation thing"

I can't reframe

and find a way to make myself

powerful

ok

I simply am not

am not

I try to think about the positive 

I try to say things

that would give me a sense of value and power

but 

it seems a lie

sometimes we are trapped

in the world of either / or

I am either bad or good

weak or strong

crazy or sane

and so we try to leave the parts behind

we do not like

I can't be bad if i am good

or weak if I am strong

but we can leave no part behind

we are who we are

all of use

we are good and bad

strong and weak

moral and

well, not so moral

we must embrace

take care of

have compassion on that part of us we do not like

so that we might truly embrace

the rest of us

"Watching the moon

at midnight

solitary, mid-sky

I knew myself completely

no part left out": (Izumi Shikibu)

I Am

I am.....

 

How we finish that sentence matters

When Moses encountered God at the burning bush

Moses really needed a name

 

Who sends me?

and God

who cannot really be named replied

as that bush crackled and roared

and the sand grew hot beneath Moses feet

replied

 

I am

I am who I am

 

Who am I?
Who are you?
How do we label
How do we name ourselves?

I am a child of God?
I am the light of the world?
I am a therapist?
A father?

People come to me
bearing their diagnosis as a name
I am abused
I am depressed
I am the child of alcoholics

We must be careful how we name ourselves
how we name ourselves colors how we see the world
and shapes how we live

If I have named myself "therapist"
I might feel caring, or grateful
overwhelmed or humble

If I have named myself a dreamer
I might feel free to dream
but condemn myself for not being practical

We must also be careful how we label others

Because beneath the labels
alcoholic
bi-polar
schizophrenic
sinner
drunk
stupid
slime

behind the labels we give others
and the names we place on ourselves
is a child of the Spirit
a child of God

fully equiped
with wisdom and strength
grace and light

waiting to be found
and named

awake oh children of God
for that is what we are

Community is key

Another person

hurting and vulnerable

the pain he is carrying etched in

crooked lines across his face

and swirling deeply in the darkness of his eyes

hands clasped

he sits bent

as if the weight of all the world

is slowly crushing him into

the emptiness of himself

collapsing him like a used soda can

no longer of any use

as we talk I gently unravel

the threads of his life

seeking to understanding

seeking to add a touch of compassion 

into a life leavened by too much anger and fear

"who can you turn to, when life goes bad"

"no one'

comes the reply

"I have no one"

we need each other

if we would not be bent and twisted by the world

tortured into images of pain

and emptiness

we need each other

a drop of water

by itself

will never make it to the sea

the heat of life will destroy it long

before it ever arrives

but when we make the journey together

if we go as a river

if we go together

if we go as a community

we are sure to arrive

we need each other

It is who we are!

It seems so simple really

when you see it

when the light bulb finally comes on 

in a brain dimly lit

It is who we are

not what we do

It is who we are inside

it is that inner solidity that keeps us 

from being crush

when the world seeks to crush us

crumpling us

like an empty can

but if we are not empty?

and it is who are

inside

it is being full of peace and joy

love and compassion

that makes us a force

that makes us people who can

combat 

the anger and fear

the violence

that rages

around us

and in those around us

its not what we do

it is not our words

our attempts to contribute

or accomplish

it is who we are

as we sit

and listen

and care

Can we believe?

Based on the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18)

Oh Lord, says the proud man

I am your person

I follow the rules

I more than follow the rules.....

unlike those irresponsible ones

those people who are addicted,

and poor

those liars and cheats

I am thankful I am not like "them"

Oh Lord, says the hurting one

There is not much I can say

I am really a mess

Please have mercy

 

And then, here I am,

looking on….

I can tell you when I look at this story I find myself judging the judger.

Look at that arrogant person, that Westboro Baptist type person

Who has no compassion for those weaker than him.

Who thinks he can categorize others as outsiders… those outside of God’s love.

Here I am

Judging the judger

Here I am

looking at the Tax Collector… Still judging a little

Or perhaps identifying a little

but not ready… yet, to go full in on this grace thing

I mean after all.  Does this miserable piece of humanity….

Ooops, I mean does this poor repentant man really mean it?

Is he going to change?  Is he going to stop being a tax collector?  Stop doing bad things?

Here I am… judging still

 

Knowing he, and I are both sinners, but not really sure about God’s grace as it relates to his sins

Finding myself, in some ways, as judgmental as the Pharisee

Here we are

The super righteous , the unrighteous, and even those of us who are semi righteous

We all have the same issue…….

We don’t quite trust,  don’t quite believe in God’s grace

God’s scandalous love

Mr Righteous didn’t… he thought he had to do it himself

And sadly thought he could, that is where the judgment came from

Mr Unrighteous hoped in that grace… but I wonder if he really believed it

I wonder if he really knew, without a doubt, that as bad as he was

He was forgiven, loved, accepted

He was, Jesus told us that didn’t he?  But did the tax collector really get it?

Or was he just engaging in wishful thinking?

And what about us?

Can we believe in God’s love?

That it is big enough for that hateful, angry judging person we see on TV

Or have met in our own lives?

Can we believe in God’s love?

That it is big enough for the person who hurt us

Robbed us?

That it is big enough for the young man who killed those children?

Can we believe in God’s love

That it is big enough for us

Who mostly, but perhaps not quite, believe in the love and forgiveness

And in God’s acceptance of us?

The way out is in

The world I see

The world I experience

Is the world I create

 

Whether it is full of love and companionship

Or full of hate and danger 

is to an almost scary degree

up to me

 

Whether I see the soaring mountains

thrusting sharply into brilliant blue

or refuse to be amazed at this grandeur 

is up to me

 

whether that person I am struggling with

who is unhappy with me

and criticizes and says hurtful things about me

is a person who is unreasonable and wrong

or a person who is frightened and hurting

is up to me

 

When a love or friendship fractures

how I see the person who has 

broken our bond

is up to me

 

The world I see

The world I experience 

Is the world I create

through my own values

beliefs

and perceptions

 

my heart is the lens of my soul

so what is in my heart

matters

 

Which spiritual seeds have I watered?

Joy?  Hope? Love? Acceptance?

or

Fear?  Hate? Need?

 

what is in my heart matters

 

what is in my heart

the health of my heart determines

how I walk through my day

 

so I must constantly return to myself

I must connect with the sacred within

I must nurture the garden of my heart

 

and so the way out is in

 

 

Original Fear

Original fear

so I step
onto the thin ice of acceptance

gently, slow
waiting breathlessly for a sound
a brittle snapping
as beneath my feet

that upon which I stand
fractures
cracks running wildly
like spiderwebs gone mad
dancing gleefully

and leaving me with no place

almost silently
tipping sliding
into the cold

rejected, alone
plunging into the icy cold
with no hand to reach out
and with with warm touch
rescue

and so deeper I go
alone with myself

original fear

Eyes that see

sometimes

I seems like I have very small eyes

I remember as a child that green chalkboard

looming large and dark in the front of the classroom

while my teacher

chalk in hand

scribbled things that looked like nothing more

than vague white lines

waving their slow way across the empty expanse

then one day

with spectacles propped

on my then button nose

I looked to that same board and saw

miracle

letters and numbers galore

 

I remember going home and looking 

upon the familiar juniper laden hills behind my home

and seeing, for the first time

from afar

fences, and rocks

and yes

trees

 

clarity

 

perhaps I need a new set of glasses

perhaps at my age I need trifocals

to bring into crisper image

those things I cannot see

 

I see vaguely

this world

and what is see is confusing

and often dark and frightening

I see the hate and fear

I see emptiness where,

in my minds eye love and companionship should be

 

I walk through life stumbling and falling

groping blindly

and missing

miracles

 

God

give me eyes that see

 

everything

Running on - running on empty

Running on-running on empty
Running on-running blind
Running on-running into the sun
But I'm running behind
Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive 

                                                     From a song by Jackson Browne

__________________________

early morning angst 

pulls me awake

what did I forget to do

what must I do

this day

numbly I crunch through

frigid snow

stepping on glass

going through motions

now familiar

barely noticing the 

beautiful animals who gather

round me

icicle whiskers glistening in the early morning light

 

looking in the mirror

tosseled and worn

bent around the edges

blurred by fatigue

another morning

another day

running

running on empty

running blind

 

what am I missing

what am i leaving behind?

Forgetting who I am

Sometimes I need to remember

to remember a saturday morning

a smile

the gentle touch of the breeze

the warmth of early love

the time when God was really present

Sometimes I forget

hard words
bad choices
failures to love
blur my vision
and I can no longer remember
what is sacred
I forget, myself
I forget the Divine

Sometimes I forget
because I am simply moving too fast
rushing through life
barely tasting
the sweet nectar

Lord teach me to know

what to remember

thank you for reminding me

to take time for the Sacred on the sabbath

for the meal of remembrance

the bread and the wine

thank for days that blossom new

with gentle breezes

and blue skies

new choices

new chances

thank you for people

and rivers 

and mountains

and moments of love

that startle me into remembrance

and slow me down

so I might savor

you

 

and remember who

in you 

I am

The Key to Joy

A wise sage once said

"The key to joy is being easily pleased"

I have so many expectations

I want this

I want that

I am taught to want

by the ads who tell me

I don't have what I want

and need

I don't have enough

enough stuff

enough money

enough love

enough of anything

I am taught that I don't have enough

by my ego (not in the bad sense, just this "self" I have constructed)

that tells me 

I am not enough

that I must have more ability

more talent

more power

more influence

more 

more

more

and yet

there is so much

right there

in front of my eyes

if I will just see

there is the love of a friend 

the silly smile of my granddaughter

a walk at the zoo with my daughter

and her wonderful husband

there is a little black girl

with a mom with stage four cancer

who calls me Grampa  Steve

there are new friends

and old friends

there is the brilliance of the sky

there is Mount Joseph 

soaring into that brilliant blue

there is Kramer (my cat)

snuggling against me,

glad that I am home

if I just accept the life

as it comes my way

if I am just easily pleased

I can have so much joy

 

This does not means there are not hurts, and disappointments

This does not mean challenges need to be denied

life is what it is

 

but 

God is everywhere

and gifts 

are waiting

quietly

 

Abiding in Love

Abiding

is accepting

it is allowing something

to be

Jesus says abide in my love

which is another way to say

abide in me

just let me be

in your heart

your mind

your life

let yourself 

enter my love

and rest there

But don't just rest

for abiding is also acting

acting in accordance with

to abide in Jesus

means to "enter into his act of loving

and abiding there."  (Beateau)

but more

it means that

because we are in the heart of Christ

joining Christ in the activity of loving

We abide in Christ by loving each other

do we get that?

we do not honor Christ 

by talking hate

or promoting fear

by attacking

and minimizing others

it doesn't matter where we are on the issues

libertard

or repuglican 

(yes that was an attempt at humor)

how we present our faith

how we honor our faith

how we stand up for our values

how we do it counts

We abide in Christ

by loving each other 

do we get that?

Why Does God Love Me?

This is the thing

the core thing

that I think I have the most trouble with in my relationship with the Sacred

God does not love me because I am worthy, because I am lovable

Nor does God love me because I am unlovable, unworthy.

When it comes to love God doesn't seem to work in the realm of 

"deserving" 

at all.

God loves because God is love

that is what God does

that is who God IS

Oh, I know, there are consequences to actions

and we can deny love

I get all that

But, I have no grounds for believing God doesn't LOVEme

because I am unworthy

Jesus makes that very clear

But I struggle with this.

Beatrice Bruteau makes this startling comment....

"sometimes we want to be loveable more than we want to be loved"

Wow!  That is SO me!

I want to be loveable

I want to deserve love, earn love

I want the other person to "have to" love me

I think this gives me power, and control of a sort
if I am wonderful
amazing
beautiful
whatever
then I have the power to make the other person love me

and this gives me, so I think, a security of love
of course they must continue to love me
how could they not?

I have been this...

done that....

but to just accept love
and to accept that this love
coming to me may just be
may just emerge out of the heart of the  other person
who may be able to love me
because they have accepted love
that comes out of the heart of God...

Honestly, that is difficult

I have trouble going there

It has to be about me

How can there be a love that is

not earned
not deserved?

And yet

that is how God works

I am not there yet
I am not yet ready to let go of my need to be deserving
and just accept
love

when it comes

We need a new God

"We get the kind of world

we ourselves create by our faith.

Change the faith, change the assumptions and the perceptions will change

Change the perceptions and the attitudes will change

Change the attitudes and the actions will change

Change your faith, and your get a new world."

                                                    Beatrice Bruteau

What kind of world

am I creating God?

Is my faith in a God who is distant and uncaring?

Is my faith in a God who is threatening

or rewarding, or punishing?

Is my faith all about fear

and measuring up

being judged

being "in" or "out"

due to my own deservedness?

Then my world will be one

where people judge who is in

and who is out

where we see people as friends or enemies

superior or inferior

it will be a world of fear

and hate

and anger

of posturing 

it will be 

the world we have

If my God is a God of generosity

and unconditional love

of hope 

and acceptance

of grace.

then fear will be cast out

love will win

and I will be free

to love myself

to love and accept others

to feel safe

in the everlasting arms

and in safety

give

I think I

I think we

need a new God

not really a new God

just a newly found God

who has been here

from all eternity

Settling into the Divine

The journey

Through the peaks and valleys of our existence

Is twisted and full of pitfalls

and we

 in our fragility

 often get broken

and

Like bottles tossed carelessly to the side of the road.

we lie

 shattered, in pieces,

irregular fragments glistening in the sun

Raw edges, sharp and tortured,

There are pieces of us scattered along the roads we have traveled,

                                                                SK

distracted

scattered

fragmented

is often how I feel

I do it to my self

mental health program

church

home

animals

emails

blog

internet

phone

meetings 

clients

more meetings

run 

rush

plugged in

unplugged

it doesn't really matter

my head is roaring

and I am pulled a thousand directions

do this 

do that

don't forget

I forgot

Oh My God!

and that is why

there is a need in my life

as in every life to find a point of focus

a place to be

where the spinning world 

can settle

I love the story about the murky pool of water

which when tossed by wind

or swirled by a hand is cloudy

but

which when calm

when all the pieces of dirt and rock have settled

become clear

our minds, our souls, our hearts are like that 

we need to settle 

to stop

to let all the debris gently drift down 

leaving us able to see

the point of focus

the center on which

I wish to rest

the place I want to come to with a 

kind of wholeness,

integrally

with all my energy

is the Sacred, the Divine One

I want to learn how to 

get my entire soul involved, my entire mind, my entire heart

I believe

that in my scattered existance

this kind of love toward God

is the greatest thing

I 

can

do 

Close to the Heart

I sometimes imagine

walking with Jesus

its difficult sometimes

to put myself in the picture

how would it have been

how would I have been

I think about those who met him

the eager ones, rushing toward him

wanting to establish

a place

right there

next to him!

at the right hand!

me

of those confrontive ones

who found he violated

all that the stood for

who hated who he was

and wanted to twist

his words

his teachings

to make him in their image

 

or destroy him

 

I think about those who lurked

around the edges of the crowd

almost daring

almost

to speak, to reach out

to look him in the eye

 

of those who quietly listened

 

but mostly I remember John

beloved

at that last meal

leaning back

melting into the

embrace of Christ

looking up

asking

questioning 

seeking

becoming one

 

melting

getting closer to the heart of Jesus

and coming closer

to his own heart

allowing Jesus heart to become

the heart of his heart

Prayer. Do we have it backwards?

I sometimes think we have it backwards when it comes to prayer.

We think it is about us getting through to God.  But perhaps, it is more about God getting through to us.

I like what Søren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher, wrote in his journals,

“One kind of person thinks and imagines that when he prays, the important thing—

the thing he must concentrate upon is that God should hear what he is praying for.

And yet in the true, eternal sense it is just the reverse.

The true relationship in prayer is not when God hears what is prayed for,

but when the person praying continues to pray until he is the one who hears,

who knows, what God wills.”

Beatrice Bruteau, in the book “Radical Optimism says something  similar.  God, she assumes, is always attentive toward us…. Unlike that nasty judge  - and so what is needed is for us to turn all our attention toward God.  This can be just thinking about God, reading scripture, prayer, meditation… there are so many ways to be “persistent” in our approach to God.  Be we just keep focusing on God.  Approaching God.  Seeking God.  Listening to God.

We are like spiritual stalkers….. And that is when it happens….Bruteau writes, ”We hold steadily on the realization of Jesus’ personal being turned toward us, and we ourselves are responding with a whole mind that has no other thought than what we are answering to him.  Our attentions, his and ours are locked together, each pouring itself fully and strongly into the other.”

Persistence opens the flow.  With persistent pray, persistent focus, little by little the power of God begins to trickle through and penetrate our hearts so that we don’t lose heart.

Persistence creates connection

Constant connection causes us to be locked together with the Divine

And our sense of the divine presence

The divine love

And then it flows

That love that passes our understanding

The love flows, presence flows, guidance flows, spirit flows, God flows,

And that changes everything. 

So take whatever it is that is in your heart

Take that hurt

That problem

That situation

Take whatever it is, that seems unsolvable, unresolvable

Hopeless

Whatever it is that makes you feel helpless

Take it

And give it to God…

Again

And again

And again

And at the very least, God will happen

In God's loving eyes

Know the true nature of your Beloved

In His loving eyes your every thought

word, and movement is always, always

beautiful

                                        Hafiz

I have critical eyes

it is not so much that they are critical of others

I often am unhappy

very with what I

see in that 

damnable mirror

sometimes it seems

like every little flaw

leaps out at me

becoming

alas

my point of focus

and all I can see

 

but what a waste of energy

it can be

to look in that mirror

judging

adjusting

seeking to hide

or compensate

or deny

 

I am who I am

You are who you are

 

and if we can 

in this moment 

celebrate who we are

in God's eyes

if we can see ourselves

 

as those in the image of the sacred

as those who carry the diving in us

as those who are

the children of God

 

if we can see ourselves

and in each moment

just be

that person

that created to be

one

 

joy

the tired place

That vague place

where mind complains

loudly

at the idea

the very idea

of one more decision to be made

one more option to be explored

that place where

eyes

unfocused

gaze at the screen

at little letters 

that some how fail to arrange themselves

into something meaningful

that place where a cloud

hangs over one's head

hazy

fuzzy

making the world seem

just one step away, behind the mist

that place where

arms and legs

are heavy

but not warm

and the ears 

echo with a faint roaring

and its only 8am

tired

Aching Hearts

In the Jewish mystical tradition, a great rabbi taught his disciples to memorize and contemplate the teachings and to place the prayers and holy words on their hearts.  One day a student asked the rabbi why he always used the phrase "on your heart" and not "in your heart".  the mast replied.  "Only time and grace can put the essence of these stories in your heart.  Here we recite them and put them on our hearts hoping that some day when our hearts break they will fall in."

                                                                                Jack Kornfield

____________________________________________________________

Sometimes Lord

it seems like my heart breaks

Sometimes it is just too much

There is just so much sufferening

such a sense of

being

alone

rejected

abandoned

lonely

hopeless

powerless

a spectator watching 

people, lives

everything 

just fall apart.

and yet

sometimes 

in those moments

words unheeded

not understood

work their way down 

through all the layers of confusion

and distraction

and hear 

 

as if for the first time

the Sacred One 

say

 

I am love

I love you

Take heart oh little one

 

and in that moment

I can take my broken heart

and hold it

with the love and dignity and appeciation

it deserves.

The Compass of My Heart

The voices are many

they clamor

and shout

the compete

for what little attention I can offer

Do this!

Worry about that!

What if?

Do your think?

How are you going to solve this?

What if? (again)

Each voice in side me

whether it is

the lions roar

or the still small voice

the voice of hope

or the voice of fear

rises up from

the deep reaches of my heart

mixed into the cacophony

is one voice

that speaks my highest intention

the thing I vow

to do and be

from the deepest spot of my heart

that spot where

God dwells

 

may that be 

in the in the midst of the noise

the voice that sets

the compass of my heart

We Make the World

PEBBLE
You are not a drop in the ocean;
you are the entire ocean, in a drop.-Rumi
 
BOULDER
The world was made
with a you-shaped hole in it.
In that way
you are important.
In that way
you are here to make the world.
In that way
you are called.-Tara Sophia Mohr

 

 

Up in the mountains

it is easy to feel small

mountains soar

trees reach to the sky

the canyons open to the center of the eart

 

Down in the valley

it is easy to feel small

so much to do

so little time

so much complication

so few answers

 

and yet    

we are sacred

or rather the sacred is in us

and we are led

moment by moment

choice by choice

down a path that is ours alone

 

and every action

every word

every smile

that we  offer along the way

 

shapes the world

 

along the way

we who are small

and yet are all

heal hearts

and souls 

and minds

 

and fill the space

the place 

created just for us