Sitting on the Plane

In her book Pastrix Nadia Bolz-Weber shares about a time she planned a fall “rally” in order to help motivate her church.  She wanted to make something happen.  To move from 45 in worship to more.  And so she put together an event with food, and activities, and yes, cotton candy.

And 26 people showed up

Was the day a disaster?  Yes, at first.  She said as she hid, and knelt on the linoleum floor of the women’s room, “Dear God, I just hate everyone right now.”

In all honesty, some great things happened… the church members shared food with the homeless, and stopped passersby to give them cotton candy, but she didn’t see the good, at first

She just saw her expectations crushed.

But she woke in the middle of the night, and noted “( I hadn’t really noticed the joy people had in being together, and handing out cotton candy in the street.  I hadn’t noted that some hungry people in Triangle Park got to eat iron-rich burgers for dinner that night.  I hadn’t really noticed that Amy, Jim, and Stuart got to have the experience of caring for their pastor and that it was a blessing to them…..”

I read this chapter on a plane.  And I realized that it was a microcosm of my whole life.

I was taught to be strong

I was taught to be the one who leads

And fixes things

I have had expectations of myself that have been, to put it mildly, unrealistic

And so I have worked

Toiled

I have succeeded (by most people’s standards)

And also failed (massively at times)

But in the end I have found myself where Nadia was on that bathroom floor

Tired

Resentful

Crushed

And I have not accepted and appreciated the gifts that were there

I have not seen the people

I have not been open

To connect with others

As Nadia was in that moment, I have often been

Very much alone

And very much blinded to the amazing things

God does

Day in and day out

In this world

And in my life

_________________________________

Sitting on the plane

Book clutched in my hand

Finally seeing

my life

my blindness

my isolation

and knowing

that God has something better

something deeper and rich

for me

for you

for all the beloved (and we are all God’s beloved)

I imagine that a few people were surprised

to the grey haired guy

in the middle seat

crying