I don't want to care, but I do

If there’s a way forward, it isn’t in knowing less—and so I’ll keep reading and learning, and dealing with how much turmoil that creates within me. The challenging part, will be convincing those blissfully unaware right now, to allow real life to inconvenience them enough to care too; to let true information disrupt their carefully curated happiness.

Knowledge may indeed be a pain in the rear end—but it is still one of the most powerful weapons we have in the fight to stay human in inhumane times.

I don’t want to know how bad it is anymore, but I do.

I don’t want to grieve the horrible reality anymore, but I do.

I don’t want to care anymore, but I do.

                                                                        John Pavlovitz

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There are times I just want to close my eyes

But like those ghoulish spectators on the edge of a tragedy

I am drawn

Moth like

Into the fire

And sometimes I get singed

The lies are overwhelming

The hate palpable

The greed depressing

But mostly it is the selfishness

The lack of insight

The privilege

That batter my soul

Not just from those who perpetrate evil

From high places

But from those who

Because it feels safe

Because it feeds their own worst persons

Because they think they will gain

Thoughtlessly affirm and applaud.

And I don’t like seeing that collusion

Oozing from people I live with, work with, even worship with

And so the news feed

And the responses to it

Sear my very being

I am discomforted

And I am  even more disturbed when the words of one whose life

shapes (I hope) my life

reveal our spiritual paucity

when those words condemn our attitudes

our words

our behaviors

and I do not know how to respond

without becoming a part of the mess

I want to “post” the truth as I see it

And I do

Then I delete

And repost

And delete

Because ??

Because I do not want to become what I resist

Hateful and angry, a person who name calls and diminishes

Because I do not believe that those who have chosen to believe lies will listen

Because I do not believe my words will make any difference

At all

It would be easier

Much easier

Not to read the news

Not to comment

Not to try and bring the way of Love into the mix

It would be easy to just “let it go”

As so many often advise

To “get over it”

But I can’t

And so I walk

And so I write

And so I challenge, hoping I am not part of the problem

And so I share what I believe to be the truth, hoping I am at least close

So I risk sounding like a fool

Being seen as a fool

So I risk being disliked, and rejected

So I risk people avoiding my little congregation

“I don’t want to know how bad it is anymore, but I do.

I don’t want to grieve the horrible reality anymore, but I do.

I don’t want to care anymore, but I do.”  (John Pavlovitz)

And so I stand

And speak

And pray

And hope