Let yourself fall ill

“If you desire healing,

let yourself fall ill

let yourself fall ill.”

                               Rumi

_______________________________

I don’t know about you,

but I have had moments I regret

there have been times in my life

when all has not been well

And yet, Julian of Norwich had it right

 ‘It was necessary that there should be sin; but all shall be well,

  and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.'

there are times when my days of dysfunction

come back an haunt me

something will cue me, will dreg up a memory

a mental video tape

that strikes my soul opening old wounds

someone from my past will show up

someone who experienced me in one of those moments

when my soul was in chaos

and I was a danger to myself and others

it is like spiritual PTSD at times

and I am forced to ask whether I really believe in grace

for myself, for others (for if I can’t access grace for myself,

I probably can’t access it for others as well)

And I realize that even though I believe in

And have experienced, the transformative power of God

I have to believe it for myself

And I have to believe it for others, all others

I have to believe that no one, not even me

can “drift beyond the redemptive hand of God” (W. Wink)

It is difficult at times to become “a new creation”

Especially when we, or others, are not able to let ourselves be new

For in the end, our newness is only limited by our own ability

To accept that we can be (and hopefully are) new

Someone asked me recently, someone who knew me in different times

Who I am “now” (versus who I was then)

My quick response was “older and wiser”

But upon reflection I think what is different now from then

Is that then I lived from the outside in

And now I live (at least most of the time) from the inside out

Then I got my value from external things

From titles and positions, from the respect and adoration of others

I sought to suck value and happiness into myself from what I did

From the people I was in relationship with

That is dysfunction

Now, it is more true than not

That I find my value from that journey inward

To the center of who I am

To that place where the Sacred lives and moves

It that connection with the Sacred

And a subsequent connection with my own self

That “Child of God” self

That gives me joy, and peace

That quiets the need power, or money, success, or adoration

It is when I am living from that place

From my core

That I can then move out into the world

That I can work, and relate

Functioning from a place of fullness rather than emptiness

And that makes all the difference

In the world.