Do not be afraid

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

                                                   Corrie Ten Boom

“I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go.”

                                                    Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

“A psychiatrist once told me early in treatment, “Stop trying to make me like you,” and what a sobering and welcome smack in the face that statement was. Yet somehow, every day of my life is still a campaign for popularity, or better yet, a crowded funeral.”

                                                    John Waters

__________________________________________________

I don’t know when it started

this endless litany in my skull

you are not enough

you are not enough

no matter what you do it will not be enough

but I cannot remember a time when my stomach did not hurt

and each day

as life assailed me

I chewed an anti-acid

Even my grade school body

Revealing my anxiety

I know I wanted to please

I know I wanted to be liked

And the judges were out there

Real and imagined

My father

My classmates

That cute girl in 7^th grade math

And soon my life became

A test

Of value

Of worth

An examination in worthiness

And all too often

I failed

Not perhaps in other’s eyes

But always in my one

Do they like me?

Am I “in”?

Will she admire me?

Will he respect me?

And life was shaped

by my attempts to be

what I thought others wanted me to be…

and the voice in the head

that bully brain

continued the refrain…

“how am I doing?”

And still today

As I write my blog

Or give a sermon

Or work with a Mental Health client

I worry

And I want to make everyone happy

Everyone

Just try that these days !!!

I suspect there is plenty of evidence I do just fine

but then that comment comes

and it all floods in

the doubt,

the anxiety,

the pain

that I carry, carry, carry

in the aging body

and still at 68

as at 8

my stomach hurts

and my heart hurts

and I am haunted

by failures real and imagined

and then there is nothing to do

but to turn to the One

who always loves

always accepts

always sees me as a precious soul

there is nothing to do but to breathe

and sink into the depths

where love lives

and in that deep place seek God, and seek, perhaps myself

St. Francis of Assisi would spend whole nights praying “Who are you, my most dear God, and who am I . . . ?”

It is a good question

But who God is love

Unfailing

Unreserved

Unencumbered

And in that love one experiences

the absolute safety of God

one finds a God who is “always and forever larger than we expected” (Rohr)

and in that Sacred space, one finds one’s True Self,

I have become a fan of self-compassion

And there are standard phrases (metta phrases)

But here is mine

“As I wander deep within

May I find myself again

In the context of Sacred love

May my body be healed

May my mind be healed

May my heart be healed

May my soul be healed

May I be at peace”

It is in those moments when I find that peace

That I can quit trying so hard to please

Quit trying to make people like me

And just be

Honest

Brave

Kind

Loving

An agent of reconciliation

So that others

Do not have to be afraid

And do not have to wonder

Am I enough?