We are our Choices

“We are our choices.”

― Jean-Paul Sartre

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I get from time to time

in rather dark places

I have my moments when I complain

About being tired

About being unhappy with my accomplishments

About the fact that I am sometimes lonely

I have moment when I whine

Because my church doesn’t grow

People don’t show up for pain school when they are supposed to

And I wax philosophical

About self doubt, and low esteem

And my struggle to feel relevant

And almost without fail

There is someone who says…

“you’re an adult

  If you aren’t happy with the way things are

  Change them.”

Or another who point out that I am,

After all, being shallow and unenlightened

Their point of course

Is that I have had choices

And I have made choices

And I am still choosing…..

to continue in the situations I lament

to over work

to eat poorly (at times)

Such comments always silenced me

For I have no good answer

As to why I choose to be a human doing, not a human being

As to why I can’t say no

And have such ridiculous expectations

And seek affirmation in such ridiculous things

I am my choices

My

Choices

So here I am

Looking at 70 from a relatively near distance

I am my choices

What different choices should I have made?

How would I be different If I had chosen this school, not that one

Pursued this career, not that one

Said “no” at this moment

And “yes” at that moment

How would I be different I had told my bully brain to STFU

If I have chosen to seek value in a different way

In a sense it doesn’t matter

Because the paste is the past, and who I am not

Well that is who I am

So going forward…

What are the choices I might want to make?

I think I would like to

Say “no” more

Listen more

Sleep more

Read (yes, you read that rightly) more

Isolate less

Spend less time trying to find approval, and more time giving it

Less time worrying about whether my life has been worth it

And more time just living the life in front of me.

Choices