Primitive religion is not believed, it is danced!

Arthur Darby Nock

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
And only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

Elizabeth Browning

Friday, February 8, 2019

We are our Choices

“We are our choices.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre

I get from time to time
in rather dark places

I have my moments when I complain
About being tired
About being unhappy with my accomplishments
About the fact that I am sometimes lonely

I have moment when I whine
Because my church doesn’t grow
People don’t show up for pain school when they are supposed to

And I wax philosophical
About self doubt, and low esteem
And my struggle to feel relevant

And almost without fail
There is someone who says…

“you’re an adult
  If you aren’t happy with the way things are
  Change them.”

Or another who point out that I am,
After all, being shallow and unenlightened

Their point of course
Is that I have had choices
And I have made choices
And I am still choosing…..

to continue in the situations I lament
to over work
to eat poorly (at times)

Such comments always silenced me
For I have no good answer
As to why I choose to be a human doing, not a human being
As to why I can’t say no
And have such ridiculous expectations
And seek affirmation in such ridiculous things

I am my choices

So here I am
Looking at 70 from a relatively near distance

I am my choices
What different choices should I have made?
How would I be different If I had chosen this school, not that one
Pursued this career, not that one
Said “no” at this moment
And “yes” at that moment

How would I be different I had told my bully brain to STFU
If I have chosen to seek value in a different way

In a sense it doesn’t matter
Because the paste is the past, and who I am not

Well that is who I am

So going forward…
What are the choices I might want to make?

I think I would like to
Say “no” more
Listen more
Sleep more
Read (yes, you read that rightly) more
Isolate less
Spend less time trying to find approval, and more time giving it
Less time worrying about whether my life has been worth it
And more time just living the life in front of me.


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