Inside Out

“There is an inmost center in us all, where truth abides in fullness;....and, to know, rather consists in opening out a way where the imprisoned splendor may escape, then in effecting entry for a light supposed to be without.”

― Robert Browning

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I have always suspected

that my soul has a slow leak

for I have struggled, for as long as I can remember

feeling a profound degree of hollowness

as if somehow I was emptied out

a cracked vessel

dry

there is a certain desperation that comes

from being in such a place

it is not that I have not believed in my giftedness

for gifts I have

it is merely a sense that everything

respect

success

value

love

everything

is slipping away

vanishing

leaving me gasping for respect, and value, and love

and so most of my life

has been spent, trying to fill my soul

with achievement, knowledge, affection

and I have done wonderful things

and I have done horrible things

seeking to fill that void

I have sought relief through work

and relationships

through activity and creativity

I have abused myself

and tried to use others (how does one apologize to all those one has hurt in the process?)

seeking to fill the inner cup

and still the emptiness has returned

now I sit on the edge of forever

watching the sun rise

and the glint of the golden sun on mountain snow

one who is no longer young

knowing this one thing

(I have been a slow learner)

that one can only fill the cup

from the inside....