More on resentment

Resentment, Part Duex

Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown.

                                                   (Narcotics Anonymous Book/page 33)

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it lies there

like Southern Smokehouse Bacon Burger,

your mother’s meatloaf,

or a dry fruitcake.

sitting there, in that deep inner place,

a foul presence

that contaminates our souls

rot, rot, rot

fester, fester, fester

that stuff we carry

that stuff that weakens our heart

clouds our minds

blurs our sight

and leads to

resentment

which leads dark things

like retribution, and cruelty

once upon a time

I was stabbed in the back

It was not that I was blameless in the situation,

but the options were there for openness

and healing

instead there were assumptions

and outright lies

this person was the first person I knew

who owned a minivan

a Dodge

minivan (the only kind there were at that time)

the impact of this person’s feelings, attitudes

and behavior

were profound

and even though the eventual outcomes was just

the facts were twisted

and the offense multiplied

and so for years

every time I saw a minivan

my heart pounded

a lump formed in my stomach

and bile rose

I was not free

I was burdened by the fact

That I could not let go

Could not even try to understand

What it was within this person

That caused them to do what they did

Eventually I got there

And was able to travel

Lighter

Not light

It is really difficult to travel light

Not to pick up

All the things that come our way

The hard comments

The misunderstood statements

The harmful behaviors

The dysfunction

We grab them and hoard them

And if we are not careful

They become our dragon’s hoard

And we wallow and revel in our hurt

and it becomes valuable to us

definition

it becomes who we are

it becomes comfortable

familiar

but it is not who we are

we are Sacred Children

designed for freedom

designed for compassion

and forgiveness

generosity

and love

and so as we sit

staring at the TV screen

hating the voice, the sight of one we abhor

as we see that person who has

“done us wrong”

sitting a few desks away

or a few pews away

or across the kitchen table

as we struggle with our resentment

we are not ourselves

it is resentment

and retribution that are the unnatural acts

that separate us from God

and from one another

As he left a life of imprisonment

and walked down the path to freedom

Nelson Mandela is reported to have said these words,

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

By contrast, the people of Israel

faced with the broad expanse of the desert

and freedom, and newness

are said to have proclaimed

“we want to go back to Egypt”

“Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred

because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain.”

And make no mistake

Letting go is scary

Forgiving is scary

Trusting is scary

Giving of yourself

Is terrifying

But God calls us to lay down our fear (be not afraid)

And step forth

Into freedom

Resentment has no place

on the journey

to the Kingdom