Gentle at the end

‘Tis the gift to be gentle

With your self at the end

of a day when you’ve given

of a day when you’re spent.

To re-create, to breathe

and to rest

and to treat your own self

as your own

welcome guest

                     Padraig O’Tuama  (readings from the book of exile, p.29)

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sometimes I sit

at the end of the day

anxious soul that I am

judging

and without compassion

for my own soul

and let the jury in my head

debate about my worth

with endless patience I replay

that visit with the dear old saint

tired at age 93

who seeks repose

and thinks I’m wonderful

“such a good boy”

But am I?

Did I really listen?

Did I say what she needed to hear?

I think about that client

Anxious and depressed

Fearful

who shared such deep things

and I wonder

did I help?

Was I focused enough,

Was I able to help that person find calm

And hope?

I rate my sermon

Which although written reasonably well

I did not have time to practice

Did I feel as if I were just reading it?

Did I make eye contact?

Did I help anyone?

Anyone? Anyone?

And so at times I suffer

Suffering being that profound gap

Between what I want and what I have

Between who I want to be, and who I am

Sometimes I sit

and as I sit I breathe

and I wonder

how Jesus felt at the end of a day

at the end of the journey

at the end of his life

as he hung there between thieves

the world stretching beneath him

seemingly the same as it was

when he was born

no Kingdom of Heaven there

and then I remember

that even on the cross

even in that moment of magnificent defeat

that Jesus noticed the thief at his side

and the woman at his feet

and comforted

he was not replaying his life

his ministry

his moment of anger in the temple

his words to Pilate

he was just there in that moment

being who he was

Son of God

Child of God

I believe

That Jesus could not have noticed and comforted

If he did not feel noticed and comforted

Knowing that in the end

He was not forsaken

But loved, and valued

And so I sit

And breathe

And remember that I too

Am a child of God

And I wish myself well

I practice self compassion

I breathe in and breathe out

Knowing that

As I go inside to that place that defines me

To that place where Sacred dwells

I will find Sacred

And I will find myself

And I will find love

And I will find acceptance

Unconditional

And in the context of Sacred, unfailing love

My body will be healed

My mind will be healed

My heart will be healed

My soul will be healed

And I will find peace

At the end