Shouting at God

“There is a story I would like to tell you about a woman who practices the invocation of the Buddha Amitabha's name. She is very tough, and she practices the invocation three times daily, using a wooden drum and a bell, reciting, "Namo Amitabha Buddha" for one hour each time. When she arrives at one thousand times, she invites the bell to sound. (In Vietnamese, we don't say "strike" or "hit" a bell.) Although she has been doing this for ten years, her personality has not changed. She is still quite mean, shouting at people all the time.

A friend wanted to teach her a lesson, so one afternoon when she had just lit the incense, invited the bell to sound three times, and was beginning to recite "Namo Amitabha Buddha," he came to her door, and said, "Mrs. Nguyen, Mrs. Nguyen!" She found it very annoying because this was her time of practice, but he just stood at the front gate shouting her name. She said to herself, "I have to struggle against my anger, so I will ignore that," and she went on, "Namo Amitabha Buddha, Namo Amitabha Buddha."

The gentleman continued to shout her name, and her anger became more and more oppressive. She struggled against it, wondering, "Should I stop my recitation and go and give him a piece of my mind?" But she continued chanting, and she struggled very hard. Fire mounted in her, but she still tried to chant "Namo Amitabha Buddha." The gentleman knew it, and he continued to shout, "Mrs. Nguyen! Mrs. Nguyen!"

She could not bear it any longer. She threw away the bell and the drum. She slammed the door, went out to the gate and said, "Why, why do you behave like that? Why do you call my name hundreds of times like that?" The gentleman smiled at her and said, "I just called your name for ten minutes, and you are so angry. You have been calling the Buddha's name for ten years. Think how angry he must be!”

― Thích Nhất Hạnh, Being Peace

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how many times have I cried to  God

fix this

fix that

fix me?!!!

how many times have I raised my lament in a way

that would do the Psalmists proud

how long oh lord how long?

How often have pleaded and cajoled,

plea bargained

even threatened

(I am going to take my faith and god home!!)

and had nothing noticeable happen

I’m still hurt

still angry

still needy

still empty or lonely?

I wonder though

how long has God been at the gateway to my soul

my deepest place

pleading, shouting

Stephen

Stephen!

Stephen!!

Stephen!!!!!!!

and I haven’t heard

the noise of my own voice, my own agenda

being so loud?

I don’t think God is angry

Nope

frustrated?

quite likely

sad?

most definitely sad

how much pain

the Sacred could spare me

if I would take the time

to listen