Anger

What is the real origin of my own anger? Is it the ego defending its territory, or is it something that has its source in the desire for the well-being of all? (73)”

                                           Jean-Yves Leloup, Compassion and Meditation:

                                           The Spiritual Dynamic between Buddhism and Christianity

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I find myself angry these days

Not a “happy place” to be sure

I don’t like it when I am angry

I don’t like myself when I am angry

the quick wit and sharp tongue

that was so handy growing up as a ‘late bloomer”

(and thus physically smaller than my peers)

is way too evident in these trying times

I find myself deleting a lot of my own comments lately

Ashamed that I ever wrote them

I find myself listening less and talking more

(a read feat for me)

and so I have begun to wonder

what is this all about?

where does it come from?

It could be that I am just trying to establish myself

Carving out space for my ego

or I could be defending my “perspective”

and trying to convince everyone that I am right

(and they are wrong)

I think there are elements of this

to be sure

in far too many things I write and say

but I think that it is more than that

I think at least part of it, I pray that part of it,

is an understanding  that there are just some things that must be said

and certain things that must be fought for, and against.

I hope that my anger, such as it is

Truly has, at times,

 “its source in the desire for the well-being of all”

that my offense is for the poor, the vulnerable

the oppressed,

the minimized

the problem is of course

knowing when it is ego, or fear

and when it is what

for the sake of anything better,

I will call “righteous anger”

God!

Help me to know the difference!

And teach me how to respond differently!