Who inside have I neglected?

The Bible says.....

sometimes I hate that phrase...

The Bible says a lot of things

Some of them make me feel inadquate

Some make be feel like I am not enough

bad

judged

sinful

Ah yes!  Sin

Sinner

Some of them give me hope

"what love God has given, that we should be called the Children of God,

AND WE ARE!"

Some inspire me

lift me up!

The problem is that I am

not one 

but many

There are many versions of Stephen Paul Kliewer

or at least many parts!

and some of those parts

those persons

 

I don't like

i would rather banish them

and not allow them to participate

in my life

 

But there they are

Try as I might I can't deny them

The lost me

the lonely me

The hurting me

the sinful me

The hopeful me

the caring me

The giving me

The distracted unfocused me

 

my cast of characters

I am not sure if it is a comedy

a tragedy

or an action movie

 

Maybe all of the above

I just know that I need to pay attention

to this cast of characters

who have a way of their own

 

and when I have those moments of struggle

I need to look inside

at whom i have neglected

at who inside me is hurting, and crying

 

I need to love

and forgive

and care for 

that part of me

 

and in that caring

that loving

that forgiving

 

find healing 

and peace

 

Both And - Life with the Shadow

I am sitting in the Mile Hi City

Visiting my amazing son and his amazing wife

Two young people who make me smile

It is early morning, and loud music is blaring outside their condo

motivating the apparently thousands (seems like millions) of runners

doing a half marathon in the street below

Go Tammy K. (a person I work with in Oregon is one of them).

As I sit here I am thinking about shadows

Not the shadows created by the morning sun

but the shadows that live in my soul

the shadows that we all have

The shadows that exist in every person I know

I talked yesterday about my friend Scott

He was amazing, a giving wonderful man

But he had shadows.  There was a part of himself that was

chaotic and dark and confused

I have my own shadows.  I try to pretend the dark side of my soul isn't there

but it creeps out anyone.  

I turn my back for second, and there it is!

We spend a lot of time denying this part of ourselves

And lot of energy

we create this container

into which we put the less perfect part of ourselves

the part we want to forget

But there is a problem

it is part of ourselves

and if we want to be authentic

and real

and grow

 

We have to accept our whole self

Every part of our self we do not love

Do not acknowledge, will become our enemy (thank you Robert Bly)

We can only cover up for a while

and the

the dark self will leak

those unackowledged thoughts and feelings will erupt

will come out of us

sometimes gushing

flowing

sometimes trickling

but it will emerge

the greed, the lust

the loneliness, the anger

and there we are

unmasked

our self-righteous veneer in disarray 

So the self we must love

the self we must accept

is our whole self

we must claim the shadow

learn to live with it, manage it

work with it

For we are all both/and

both good and bad

weak and strong

righteous and deviant

givers and takers

kind and cruel

we are together, but also totally mixed up

it is how we are

and it is when we accept this 

when we let the light shine

on our whole self

that we can attend to

and forgive

the parts of ourselves we do not like

When courageously face even the parts of us that 

appear to be destructive can be transformed (F. Scardino)

It is amazing how freeing it can be

when there is less to hide

It is time to make friends with our shadow

In Memory of Scott

I remember wondering

who the heck is this?!

Scott was nothing if not unique

With that mop of hair

His gap toothed smile

That nose, oh that nose

There were plenty of distractions with Scott

a smile that filled up his whole face

his smokers laugh

that laugh, did I mention his laugh?

There were his clothes

Oh I know

People didn't quite know what to do with

ear rings

ladies shoes

with that odd mixture of male and female

that was Scott

He didn't quite know what to do with that either

Sometimes people couldn't get past those distractions

All they could see were things they didn't understand

It was their loss.

All you had to do was spend a little time

and soon all you could see was Scott

all you could see was that amazing

gentle

giving 

heart

Scott was all heart

it came out in his music

in that raspy bass 

in the 1970's hits he would play on his guitar

It came out in his words

He would often be silent

listening, taking it all in

and then he would speak

wisdom

wisdom that came out of being an alcoholic

and being in recovery

from being rejected

and loved

from living life fully, and hard

Oh yes he was wise

one learned to listen to him

(I would often glance over during sermons... to make sure my wisdom was measuring up)

It came out in his many acts of service

He mowed, and gathered wood

Cleaned, fixed, moved

He did anything he could, for anyone he could

You could see it in his eager learning

In his quick tears

You could feel it in his hugs

I will miss that mop of hair

Those wild ear rings

Those crazy shoes

I will miss him standing by me

playing the guitar

I will miss my friend

But I will not miss his heart

It is still here

He gave it away

And each one of us has a piece in our hearts

_____________________________________________________-

This summer at a choir camp one particular song really touched Scott's heart

Here are the words. They seem particularly appropriate right now

No time to tarry here,
No time to wait for you,
No time to tarry here
For I'm on my journey home.

Brothers, oh fare you well,
Brothers, oh fare you well,
Brothers, oh fare you well,
For I'm on my journey home.

No time to tarry here,
No time to wait for you,
No time to tarry here,
For I'm on my journey home.

Welcome home Scott!

THOUGHTS OF THE MODERN DAY PHARISEE

THOUGHTS OF THE MODERN DAY PHARISEE 

Who are "those people" over there?

I had never realized there were so many of them

people I must be afraid of

people who are taking advantage of me

and my magnificent generosity (I do pay taxes after all)

people who look different

dress differently

act, perhaps, a bit odd

But there are there

they are everywhere

lazing around

asking for "handouts"

making me feel uncomfortable

being an inconvenience

I am glad I am not like them

I am glad I can stand here and know

That I am so much better

That I have done it all by myself
I built it!

Yes I did, and no one helped

Ever

Nope!  I did it...

And so I am not like them...

Those... Hispanics.

Those... Blacks.

Those people with mental illness.

or addiction issues.

Those people who were born so poor they went to school hungry

(they should have sucked it up and worked harder)

or without good clothes (ok, so I teased them, so what?).

Those people who were born with a developmental disability.

Those people who went home to physical or sexual abuse

every night after school.

Those women who have been raped
or beaten
or oppressed
and live in poverty and fear

Those people who had to flee their country because of violence and hate

and now struggle to survive in a strange land.

Those soldiers who have lost a limb (thank you for your service)

Those people who are caught in circumstances beyond their control, and 

simply, positively, need help

Those elderly who need support (they should have saved more)

Those people

I can simply write them off

They are simply an inconvenience

A burden

They are nothing

They have nothing to do with me

They are not my problem...  or are they?

I am glad that I am not

like them.... or am I?

_____________________________________________________________________

 Jesus on Judging - Luke 18:10-14

 "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men — robbers, evildoers, adulterers — or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

13 "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

14 "I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

_________________________________________________________________

 Jesus on Helping the Vulnerable -  Matt 25:31-40

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34 "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37 "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

The art of self-compassion

It happens sometimes without warning

In a conversation

A meeting

On a walk through the woods

Suddenly

Inexplicably

I feel it!

That shift

That emotional slip that leaves me

out of balance

Like one who 

stepping on ice unknown

must flail 

and struggle

just to stay up

My mood drops

and suddenly I am

slipping and slidding on

the uncertain surface of fear, or anger

or worse, despair

And then I know

It is time to listen to myself!

From the day I was born

I have stored in my mind

countless opinion, beliefs

expectations

Countless experieneces

They are all there

good bad and indifferent

and life happens

and the tapes get played

Remember when you failed?

No one has ever really liked you!

You are a bad person

You are not enough

But the problem is I don't even hear my own voice

Those thoughts roar through my head unchecked

and unchallenged

Sometimes it is time to listen to myself!

Hey, what just happened here?

Where did that come from?

What did I just say to myself!?

Sometimes it is time to listen

to notice the layers of pain
the hateful self talk
the old stories of abandonment and loss
the rejections and disappointments.

Sometimes it is time to challenge

To breathe deeply

To have compassion

To breathe with compassion

And to say to myself

"I hear your pain

 May you be safe

 May you be healed

 May you be happy

 May you be ....

At ease!

The Burdens We Carry

It was a dark and stormy night

no, not outside

Outside it was beautiful

and still

star filled

But inside

the stormed brewed

If only I had

If only I hadn't

Why didn't I?

Why did I?

The tapes were rolling through my head

all those regrets

all those hurts

it was all there

kodachrome

I hadn't realized how much I am carrying forward

how much past I am

bringing into my present

they are stacked on my back

those acts I regret

those people I have not forgiven

those hurts I have not released

until I am bent beneath the weight

It is time to say

this stops here

It is time to put it all down

take one last look

and walk away

The gentle art of doing nothing

Oh, i need to make that call

Ooops, I forget to send that email

Darn, I told her I would call

and him I would visit

my head is full of conscious thoughts

pulsating 

dominating

 

my head is so full

so noisy

it is as if 75 TVs are on

all on different channels

 

I can barely hear myself speak

in fact

those deep things

those important things lurking in my unconcious

 

those thoughts that drive and define me

rarely rise

into the light

where my minds eye can see them

 

An ancient adage says

when muddy water is allowed to become still, it becomes clear

when it becomes clear it reflects its depth

 

perhaps I need to learn

the gentle art of doing nothing

perhaps in the stillness

things will be clear

 

perhaps I will recover, come back to some deep things

things I once dimly and unknowingly had

and lost

without knowing what it was 

or  where 

or when

I lost it

Forget all you know

Interesting the classroom where God says

"Forget all you think you know about me"

That is some way knowledge might dawn"

                                                  Hafiz

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I often think I know a lot about God

after all I have a degree in theology

actually two

are you impressed?

I have studied God up one side

and down the other

assuming God has sides of course

And I have formed my opinions

And it is amazing how the God I have shaped

For yes, in my humanness I fear I have shaped God 

more than accepted God

as God is

How the God I have shaped so agrees with me

about most everything

What I wonder is why the God is believe in

the God I think I know

appears to be so different from the God

others seem to "know"

I don't think my God 

would vote the way their God would vote

Or see a person on welfare the same way

or a young girl, frightened and pregnant

And yet, who is right?

The Bible says Jesus

God with us

God most concrete and visible

is the same

"yesterday, today and forever"

Frankly that doesn't help me much

As Jesus, in his ministry on earth 

was full of surprises.... 

and usually spent most of his time blowing apart

the image of God the people had so carefully constructed

So I will have to go with what little I know

and clearly that is not much

I will have to go with the God

who comes to me

in the middle of the night

in the presence of death

when I am all alone

And in those moments when I am emptied out

becomes known

as love

Mara World

I am taking a day off!

Yes, really

Not going into the office

Not answering phone calls (OK, I probably will)

Not checking email (everyone knows that is a laugh)

But I am taking the day off

Time to be with Mara

and of course Mara's mom

my amazing daughter Erin!

And it is terrifying

I means what does one do with a 3 month old child?

Sure she is cute

and her mom insists that those noises she makes 

are really her "talking"

Some things get lost in the translation

But it is terrifying because I have built

my whole life around doing

accomplishing

 

and now

for this day

I simply need to be

 

To rejoice in the grunts (and what that means - good thing her mom is here for diaper duty)

To "hear" the words in those amazing noises

 

To rejoice when those eyes meet mine

and that smile emerges...

 to feel God in that tiny body

that trustingly lies in my hands

 

To know that in this moment

I am closer to God than I ever get

 

 

 

When I am with Mara

I am a fool

but I am God's fool

 

We forfeit our Lives

"We forfeit three fourths of our lives to be like someone else."

                                                                     Arthur Schopenhauer

____________________________________________________________________

Who am?

Sometimes I think I know.

I have these images of self

that flit through my mind like

slides in a pojector

images fleeting

almost unseen

but casting a shadow over everything I see, and hear

shaping people

events

circumstances

these scripts determine what I can and can't do

what I feel

how i see the world

By these scripts I live

they are powerful 

and sweeping

they are there 

these unconscious scripts

lurking in the background

whispering in my ear

at times pumping up my ego

at times feeding rage

depression

anxiety

and they lead me far astray

from my true nature.

they came from so many places

friends, parents

the church

rarely myself

and so I have spent three fourths of my life (or more)

trying to be like someone else

trying to be this 

construct

Perhaps it is time to think for myself

to be responsible for my own definition

to leave those scripts behind that
others have planted in my soul

Because all I will really succeed at

is being me

what do I want to believe about my self?

what scripts to I want to follow?

Better, what scripts are truly mine?

God has scripts for me

planted deep in my body and soul

these scripts reflect my true self

my created to be self

Will this self disappoint me?

Will it disappoint others?

Some how I know that if I find what is really right for me

It will be right for others

This is the task beneath every task

to find that self

God created me to be.

So it leaves me with one

startling question

What do I want to be, when I grow up?

The Gift of Need

Need brings us together; that makes need sacred.

If a person did not have some kind of thirst, 

would she ever approach you on her own?

Would his eye ever ask your eye for comfrot?

Would his hand ever want to hold yours?

                                                               Hafiz/Landinsky

_______________________________________________________________

Be a man!

Good people are strong!

Never let them see you sweat!

It is not OK to be needy!

The voices in my head are clear

They are the voices of my culture

My father

Perhaps they are voices I have made up

But they are there

It is NOT OK to be needy!

It is ok to be a care giver

It is OK to offer advice

It is OK to be the one who helps and resuces

It is OK to be the person with the answers

and who has it all together

But.....

It is NOT OK to be needy.

And yet 

People need each other

People need God

OK

I will dare to say it

outloud

where everyone can hear...

"I need other people"

"I need you"

I have lived my life as

the pastor,

the boss

the therapist

To the world I have presented a self that is 

strong, competent

together

calm

a self contained universe

and yet inside

I have been fearful and lonely

a lost little boy

It has always been this way

since I was very young

Dr. Kliewer's son

The brainy little nerd

with the crew cut and black glasses

the skinny late bloomer in the  back brace

I wanted other people

I needed them

but early forays into the world of other people

taught me one could get rejected

laughed at

one could be the kid who was not picked for the little league team

The last one chosen at recess

So I became the one who was "together"

smart, strong......

and isolated

Oh it leaked out once in a while

that loneliness, that fear

that dreaded need

It leaked out as I tried too hard to impress

As I tried to hard too prove that yes, a girl or woman might like me
that i might be able to be "one of the guys'
that anyone might like me..

Me....

As I became a success-a-holic

It leaks out still

and some see and understand

some see and misunderstand

It doesn't work

One cannot be an isolated universe 

One cannot make it alone

We need each other

We need God

It is often when we come together in need

In hurt

In fear

That we actually find each other

 That we finally find love

and that makes need sacred

On our hearts

Jack Kornfield tells of a story that comes out of the Jewish mystical tradition.  It seems a great rabbi taught his disciples to memorize and meditate on teachings, and to place the lessons, the sacred words on their hearts.  One day a follower asked the rabbi why you used the phrase "on your heart" and not "in your heart".  The rabbi responded that it is not easy for such lessons to find their way into people's hearts, and that we "recite and learn them and put them on our hearts hoping that some day when our heart breaks they will fall in."

Our hearts can be broken in many ways.

I have never really seen this as an opportunity before, and yet......

___________________________________________________________

I look upon my friend
bent and frail
breathing with difficulty
and I know his journey is ending

He knows it too
and in the midst of the pain, the uncertainty
the frailty seeks to find
somewhere
in the midst of it all
a reason to grasp living in the midst of dying

I look upon my friend and my heart breaks

I watch the news, and read the blogs
I see the faces, read the words, hear the voices
of hate and angry
intolerance

It overwhelms me
rushes over me like a physical pain
I can feel it in my body
like a dread disease that grips my inmost parts
and turns me inside out

I look around me and there is pain, and loneliness
It is everywhere

And it is in me too
I face my own heartbreaks
losses
betrayals
misunderstandings
failures

sometimes it seems as if my heart
is broken beyond repair
a tattered thing.. full of holes

and yet this broken heart is one
I need to hold, gently in my hands
with the dignity it deserves

I need to listen with this heart
what can it teach me through its brokeness?
how can it lead me to wholeness?

Can not these wounds that seem
so horrible
be that by which the sacred comes in?

I need to listen with this heart
for with it I can be aware of all the broken hearts in this world
with it I can hear the songs
of all the breaking hearts that surround me.

I need to listen with this heart

and find peace

in its vast openness

The Cork atop the Ocean

(With thanks to Carl Jung)

A cork atop the ocean

Sometimes that is what I know

About myself

About life

About God

I like to think I am a rational being

And that I have insight

as if this conscious self

is who I am

And yet

all I actually know about myself

may only be a cork atop the ocean

beneath my conscious point of view

there is likely so much more

It is funny how things work

How we say and do things

with one intention

which produce oddly different outcomes

than we intended

We like to think it is all about them...

but perhaps it is the ocean

those things that lurk in the unconcious

like strange creatures of the deep

that surface

like the Loch Ness monster

fleeting

half formed

that simply come to the surface and show themselves

telling us, and those we meet

that there is more going on

than even we know

what is in there

in those depths?

What would I learn if I could

only plumb those depths and understand

the deep currents that drive my life?

Perhaps it is time

perhaps it is always time

to dive deep

into the ocean

into that unknown

scary

but also creative source

that is me

_____________________________________________

 Ps 139:23-24:  Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Plugged into the Infinite

The sun rises

day breaks

coffee brews

the day unfolds

Sometimes coffee is not enough

its a new day

but why doesn't it feel new?

Sometimes the road does indeed

seem to stretch on forever

twisting its dry dusty way

through the rocks and 

sagebrush 

of an endless desert

More meetings

another client

more fear

and hurt

and pain

to be faced

where does it come from

the love 

the comfort

the hope

we need

we need to give?

Some times it helps

to be plugged into the Infinite

 

________________________________________________

 

For just as the branch cannot bear any fruit unless it shares the life of the vine, so you can produce nothing unless you go on growing in me. I am the vine itself, you are the branches. It is the man who shares my life and whose life I share who proves fruitful. For the plain fact is that apart from me you can do nothing at all.

                                Jesus

The Principle of Least Love

It is an interesting thing about love

There are people you 'love' because

they are beatuiful

kind

giving

Because you love spending time in their presence

But often what we love most about love is that 

we get so much out of it.

There is a person, sometimes "that" person

who loves us with all their heart

and gives to us, so much

so much indeed that it seems as if not matter how much love we

pour out toward them, we are never depleted

but are always full.

God's love is that way

always giving

always filling

always giving us that capacity to keep

putting ourselves out there for others.

It is a rare thing when we find that kind of love

here

in this world

with another person

it happens

But what is even rarer is when a love exists that keeps pulsing

keeps roaring through heart

even when we aren't getting much back

God loves that way

we people?

not so much

We play this odd game of "least love" (Thank you Tony Campolo)

because for us power is also a big thing

we may love it more than love

and we  know that who loves the most

has

from a worldly  perspective, the least power

If you say you love me, and I have not returned the favor,

well, I have power over you

If my heart belongs to you

and yours does not belong to me

well, you have control.  You can ignore me, but I can't ignore you

You can manipulate me.  It is much harder for me to manipulate you.

You can leave me, let go, walk away

I just can't

Its an odd thing about love

sometimes we love people because

and sometimes we just love

and there is nothing we can do about it

At times we have amazing love

and no power
not from a normal way of thinking about power
 

but perhaps, in some mysterious kind of way

we do

Look on yourself more as God does....

Reading Hafiz in the morning really is a bad habit

almost as bad as my comics habit

and my coffee habit

and my check in with friends via Facebook or Text habit.

This morning the Hafiz selection in my reader was, 

uninspiring

So, it being a holiday, I went forward 

(Does that make me a Marxist socialist?)

The reading was about self doubt.  Something I happen to be an expert on.

My dad was wonderful.  He loved me and did all kinds of things with me.

He made sure I had enough and more than enough

But he also had expectations

and he wanted me to be the best I could be...

and perhaps a bit too much wanted me to be what he wanted me to be....

So I got a lot of comments about what I didn't get done

Where I didn't succeed, and how if I had just "tried harder"

Not a lot of "good job" or "I am proud of you."

Not until he got cancer, but by then I had 30 plus years of beating myself up.

So the Hafiz for today really struck me....

It hit me because it was so the right message for me

It hit me because I say stuff like this to others all the time,

but don't say it to myself.

___________________________________________________

Perhaps for one minute out of the day it may be of value to torture yourself with thoughts like

"I should be doing a hell ofa lot more with my life than I am ...

'cause I'm so damn talented."

But remember for just one minute of the day.

With all the rest of your time it would be

best to try looking upon yourself more as

God does.

For God knows your true royal nature.

God is never confused and can only see

Himself (Herself) in you....

you are the sole heir to the King (Queen).

_____________________________________________________________

This day and every day

I run a deficit in my mind

Oh it is not that I don't see what I accomplish

or know that I do good things

or have some talent

It is just that my head says

unequivocally

remorsefully

you could do more

you could do better

my friends know this side of me

I drive them crazy

with my emotional math

which always, somehow

creates a negative integer

not enough

it is never enough

how did I come to this place

where I must always plod, plod, plod

doing

working 

proving my worth

more to myself then to a watching world.

 Perhaps it is time to see myself as 

I know God sees me

and as a child of God

as a Prince

find that recliner

lean back in the sun

sip that drink....

and just say in my minds eye

enough is enough

Damn!  I am something!

I am someone!

All of God is so close!

Was doing my morning ritual, reading a few "daily" type books

Comics, the really important read come next,

 

when I ran across a line from Hafiz I liked... nothing like reading Hafiz to get you in the mood for preaching about Moses... "All of God , which is everything, is really so close, and caresses us now and then if our senses are alert."

 

God is in the small thing! As well as in friendship, intimacy, and deeper things.
 

This morning all the kids are home (the three mares are back from summer pasture)

and so I had to wander out early to feed them and Tres, our newly minted gelding,

and set the water in the pastures.

 

And God was really so close.

In the covey of quail that rushed from the brush pile

from the first golden kisses of the sun

 

In the eagerness of the "kids" for morsels

of wild hay and alfalfa

 

In the crispness of the air

and antics of Tess the cat 

as she leapt and twisted

mighty hunter in pursuit of yet another grasshopper

 

In the quiet of my kitchen

as I, tasks completed

return to the warm of coffee

and the joy of greeting special friends (thank you social media)

and this day

which the Lord has made!

 

Blessings!

 

 

 

Circle of Compassion

We are called to be strong companions and clear mirrors to one another, to seek those who reflect with compassion and a keen eye how we are doing, whether we seem centered or off course ... we need the nourishing company of others to create the circle needed for growth, freedom and healing. - Wayne Muller

 

______________________________________________________________ 

There he is

and there she is

that person who just makes me want to scream

that walking endorsement for birth control

that 

that

sigh

that person, loved by God

that child of the the Most High

Why is it Lord that sometimes it is so hard to have compassion

There are days when I must deal with people

I just don't like

Or who make life difficult for me

Those people who create problems

Who act hateful

Who are (in my humble opinion) 

off course

wrong

decietful

Jesus met many people like that

and it seems to me that first he listened

and then he sought to understand

and only then did he respond

Lord I so want to jump right in

to chastise, or challenge

but above all to fix

I want to fix it Lord

 

The situation

The person

And what you ask me to do

is listen, deeply

understand, and have compassion

 

 and in the circle of compasssion

create the space for needed for growth, freedom and healing

 

Help me God, to have compassion on this day

even for the person I see

in the mirror

Starting the Day

I get to see some amazing mornings

This place is amazing and in the summer

a blood red or golden sun rises above the Seven Devils

Casting its shafts of gold through the trees

changing the darkness with the treasure of light

In the winter the sun casts its pinkish glow

over the white sentinel

that guards this valley of winding waters

But I see these miracles of morning because I am wide awake

with a mind full things that have no beauty

Worries

Fears

Tasks to be done

Tasks forgotten

My mind is full, and churning

and it is this inner chaos that frames my day....

and yet

I get to chose the frame 

I choosewhere I put my focus

I choose how I start my day

I read that the Dali Lama begins his day with this prayer

"May I be a guard for those who need protection;

 a guide for those on the path;

 a boat, a raft, a bridge for those to cross the flood;

 may I be a lamp in the darkness; a resting place for the weary, 

 and a healing medicine for all who are sick. 

 For as long as Earth and sky endure, may I assist until all living things are

 awakened."

May the God who made the mountains

The sky

The sun in all is colors

May the God who greets me each more

give me this prayer

for each day

that I may awaken

and help create awakening 

 

But have not love

If I speak with the languages of men and of angels, but don't have love, I have become sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal. 

                         Paul

___________________________________________________________

 

Ok

call me a schmuck

but I have this thing about love

 

I love it

 

 I love being loved

I love loving

 

Really nothing else matters very much

Nice car

Beautiful house

Most amazing place in the world to live in...

 

If I don't sense God's love

If i don't feel loved by another,

its all empty

 

But it is more than that...

I am listening to politicians talk

its all about power

money

 

where is the love?

It is just not there

it has been destroyed

by a need for power

and need for influence

 

and so instead of love there are lies

distortions

manipulations

 

God help us

 

smoky mornings

smoky mornings

when the sun is red

and the sky is blurred

kind of like the painting 

of an impressionist

who has had too much to drink

some days are like that

not quite in focus

its like one wakes up, not quite ready for prime time

not really ready for

what lies ahead

I always wonder

on days like this

whether the problem is with my head

or my heart

can i just not think straight?

or is it more that I am out of sync

with creation

with the creator?

hopefully it is nothing 

a long hot bath

and a cup of coffee

can't solve!

An August afternoon

it is a warm afternoon

the dog days of August

dry

dusty

smoke in the air from fires

I am sitting here alone

thinking

always a dangerous thing

here I am

60 something

you would think I would have it all figured out by now

this whole

life thing

but it seems the longer I live

the less I know

the less effective I am

right now I am feeling pretty much alone

Oh there is God

I know that....

God's pretty cool that way

But other than that?

not so much

How does one live this long

and have almost no one who really gives a shit....

about you?

I know people respect what I can do

At least I hope they do....

but I have this deep down feeling

that while people like what I can do, they don't really like me

Yes, I know, it is pathetic to be saying something like this outloud

but sometimes we just have to say what we feel

and what I feel is alone

and so on this August afternoon

I will mow my lawn

and wish that I felt like i was the most important person

to one person, just one

in this world

blessings my friends

treasure the people in your lives 

who love you

and show it

Feeling at Home

"The dreams we share of freedom.

The dreams we share of love.

There is such a unison in our every movement,

our every desire;

 

we are so alike that I cannot tell the difference anymore between us

 

I could walk into any house and feel at home,

because you have arranged everything just the way I would"

                                                            Hafiz

 

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

There are moments in life

sadly they are just moments

I wish they were moments i could hang on to....

 

When one feels so connected with another

that one is simply 'at home'

 

It might be sitting on steps listening to a band

or lying on one's back looking up at the sky

It might be sipping coffee together

 

But there are those moments when life stops

and you just are

 

there is such a unison

 

It is in such moments that we know what love is

 

They are rare

To be treasured

And held close to the heart

 

I have such moments with unique and special people

those who come into my path 

a gift from God

 

And then there is God....

I have such moments with God too

Those moments when I sense the presence

The love

The acceptance

 

And in those moments

In that free and friendly space

 

I can simply be me

I can simply be

 

I am concerned

During my morning ritual I usually read "the news"

is there any such thing any more?

I usually read the opinions put out there by the various "news" agencies

And right now its mostly about politics

I really shouldn't do that.  It is not good for my blood pressure.

What I am feeling is that I am not getting any straight objective information

from anybody,

What is sense is that what we are getting from everyone in this election is lies and misrepresentations.

That is very frustrating.  How do I know how to vote?

How do I know what has really gone on, and what will happen going forward,

if no one will be honest about themselves or others?

As a therapist, I would find it impossible to help a person with so little insight

about reality

about themselves

find a way forward

How can a country, with so little insight

about the facts, about reality

about itself

and its fears, and prejudices, and greed

find its way forward?

I fear that it can't

And when I think about things biblically, it gets even worse

I am concerned about our country. About the way so many want us to go a direction that has a vast potential to hurt the poor, the weak, the ill, the elderly..... while benefiting those who already have the power and the money.  Yes, I am biased.  I admit it.  I don't see how cutting programs for the poor, cutting all the jobs that go with those programs, putting the burden of care on the middle class, while continuing to put power and money in the hands of people who have proven they don't use either wisely, is going to "create jobs" or build America.  I don't see how regulating peoples personal lives while not regulating big business is going to take American forward (I reserve the right to be wrong, but that is just where mine thinking is right now). So I am concerned.

I am reminded of Jesus comments, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed".

This makes me struggle spiritually, and makes me wonder how a country as blessed as ours can be so ruled by the powers of greed, and, well power. America today reminds me of Solomon's empire. Which with its focus on accumulation and protection of accumulation, its massive neglect of the poor, its policies which made its own people virtual slaves, and its massive military spending, had become much like Egypt, the place of oppression from which Israel had been freed. The oppressed were now the oppressors. God was not happy! Is that where we are headed?  

I do not think, Biblically, that asking those with resources to help those in need is the wrong thing to do.  Think about the year of Jubilee, where the wealth of the nation (in the form of land, it was an agrarian society) was to be pooled and redistributed.  That is God's idea of a tax code.  Talk about taxes!!!

What is going on in America is scary from a Biblical perspective, as I believe it runs counter to what I think Jesus actually was concerned about.

My thoughts this morning. Lets all think, and pray
Blessings my friends

You need not do a damn thing....

I have my little morning ritual

Every morning I get up, get a cup of coffee

and do four things

 

I read something from one of my theology or psychology books

I read through the news (today it got my spirit boiling)

I read my favorite comics on the internet (Yay, non sequitur)

and...

I read Hafiz.  Who is crazy, and irreverent, and brilliant.

 

Today's poem started with the person talking to another, I think God

 

"Tell me, love, what I need right now so that I might sing, and be alive, as my every cell craves.

Tell me, dear, what I need right now, but in a manner I won't soon forget....."

 

As the poem goes God pulls out a drum and belts out a tune.

The poem ends this way.  "Nothing to follow.. for I will move you.  

You need not do a damn thing... just laugh."

 

_________________________________

 

This morning Lord

I looked toward the day

and frankly, I'm a little tired

A little overwhelmed

 

There are so many hurts

So many people

So many needs

So many things to 

 

And frankly God, I'm not really up to it.

I don't have enough energy

Not enough love

Not enough wisdom

Not enough skill

 

Yes, God, right now it feels as if I am not enough

 

But you have always told me to ask for what I need

Lord, I need you

Lord I need your love

Lord, I need to learn to receive

 

Pull out your drum Lord

help me to dance

and remind me

that all I have to do is open wide

and recieve

and laugh

Look at the Stars!

"Look at the stars!

look, look up at the skies!

O look at all the fire-folk sitting in the air!" (G M Hopkins)

Slowly the hazy blue of day

became the smokey gray of early evening

and then the settling sun

pulled the world into darkness

Alone on a back road

no city glow to 

ease the starkness of the night

I gazed into the gathering black

into the unrelenting gloom

then like a firefly

there then gone

just an insignificant speck of light

glinting in the shadowy skies

then another

and soon the sky was filled with

particles of light

gleaming

sparkling

shining

transforming the sky

and giving it life.

sometimes it is the little things

just the little things

that give us life

A baby deer asleep in my flowerbed

A text from my best friend

The smell of overheated pines

A picture of my granddaughter

A grin from my friend Scott, smiling in the midst of pain

The sound of laughter
Just the beauty of a walk in the dark

Thank you Lord for the small gifts

which are there If I stop

and take the time

to look up