Slightly outside the circle

it happens every time

every time there is a funeral

a celebration of a person’s life

more, a person’s being

family and friends gather

and love flows

toward the one who is gone

toward those who remain

and people cluster

in the kitchen

the living room

wherever there is space

circles of friendship and compassion form

and I stand

somewhere outside the circles

not quite out

not quite in

it is the place

where I have spent most of my life

it is not mystery to me

for the most part

why I stand here, a bit aside

why the circles form without me

and why, when I try to enter in

I try to hard

a 12 year old in a 62 year old body

awkward and afraid

oh I act secure

confident

perhaps too confident

oh yes I have stories to tell

and accomplishments to flaunt

but therein lies the problem

too many times I have been so passionate about my agendas

my plans, that I have imposed them on others

too many times I have been too busy

running here and there

to sit down

and listen

and be a gentle presence

too many times I have tried to prove myself

and have made the conversation about me

and so I become a pastor who is not connected

and a boss who is isolated

and so I stand and watch

slightly outside the circle

slightly alone

watching the love and compassion flow

and I rejoice in the people I see

I marvel and admire them

for they know how

to be

friends

________________________

My special thanks to Erin, Bryce, Midge, Susan and Mavis Jean

Those who have stuck with me, and have been not just sister, children, and

not just a spouse… but friends